


Martyr of the Free World

by FPwoper



Series: NaNoWriMo challenge 2016 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, Murder (Non-Graphic), Prison, Religion, Slightly medieval AU but not really, Slow Burn, demisexual!Cas, i might have forgotten some tags i'm really bad at this, mention of paedophilia (non-graphic), monk!castiel, violence (non-graphic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:31:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9280061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FPwoper/pseuds/FPwoper
Summary: Castiel always stood behind his own ideals, so when he lands himself in prison because of those ideals (and a tricky contract with a set of monks), no one is surprised that he is still not changing his mind. He even manages to befriend Sam, who is the guard keeping Cas (and the other people in the prison) under his ever watchful eyes. Castiel and Sam become friends, but then the prison is attacked by Sam's 'hero' brother Dean, who is on a lone quest to free the world by playing Robin Hood.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So I really need to thank the best beta I've ever had, [hit_the_books](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hit_the_books/pseuds/hit_the_books). Thanks for putting up with my tense-switching, religion-switching, and weeding out stuff that suddenly appeared but should have been explained before. You are the literal best. Thanks <3
> 
> I wrote this during NaNoWriMo 2016, and at that point, this story had been stuck in my brain for... two or three years, I think. I'm not even sure at this point. All I know is that I had to get it out, and the result was a sprint in November to finish the first draft, and now (in January 2017), it is really finished, edits and all. I apologise for any mistakes that might still be in here - you can point them out to me in the comments, please do (and don't blame hit_the_books. All mistakes I made after the beta are my own.)
> 
> I couldn't have done this without the support of the Write-Ins at York (UK), and the [Weekend Writing Marathon](http://weekendwritingmarathon.tumblr.com) (sprints and weekends).
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://fpwoper.tumblr.com).

#  [[Prologue]]

 

“What goes around will come around

Don't deny your fears

So let them go and fade into light

Give up the fight here”

~ _Chasing the Dragon_ \- Epica

 

Castiel Novak was considered an obedient child. His parents were proud of him and encouraged his education by paying for it. Of course, Castiel was a dedicated student because he wanted to learn, not just because he felt indebted to his parents. His parents also called him ‘eccentric’ for the same reason. Castiel’s proclivity to be stuck in the world the books provided for him did not make him the most social of people, and introductions to new acquaintances often bounced right off him as he did not care for them as much as he cared for his books. He did feel indebted, but his craving for more knowledge on the various religions of the world were more overpowering in this aspect. When asked, he would always say that religion was the driving force instead of his parents. Castiel tended to forget the huge influence his parents had over him concerning said religion - some people might say that his religion was forced on him by his parents.

 

However, Castiel did not believe that. He thought it was nonsense. His parents were sort of strict about religion, but he knew that he was not forced to follow theirs if he decided against it. They believed that everyone had choices in life, and that religion was one of those choices. His parents’ faith had thrown him into the path of preaching – or rather, he had stumbled upon it and had liked it. It did not matter that he was not a member of a certain congregation for the monks Castiel decided to join. They saw his name as a sign from a higher being - Castiel was destined to join them, follow their congregation and then follow in their footsteps when they were old and brittle.

 

The monks were welcoming, which was new for Castiel. He had never found his role in the world and had always felt out of place, but here, in the deep woods near Maerthyr, he felt at home like he had never before. Joining the congregation was easy, and the patterns were working wonders for him. He loved the absolute steadiness of waking at five in the morning to join a shared morning prayer and going to bed at 8.30 in the evening – after the late and private prayers for a good night of sleep and some well-wishes for the less fortunate of the world who had to sleep somewhere on the streets.

 

His life had always followed the steady ebb and flow of his superior’s life – first his parents, then his school, then the monks – but he had enjoyed it and did not see any reason to change his path or his habits. So, when the monks decided that Castiel was ready to teach the believers about God’s plans for them, he did not know what to think of it. Cain, the preacher at his home, had always told him that Castiel had the natural ability to catch other people’s attention, but he was not yet convinced himself. Somehow, the monks had been so much more perceptive than Castiel had thought, and they had asked Cain to step forward as his superior, so that Castiel would not feel so lost.

 

When Castiel heard that Cain would be helping him (or actually the other way around: Castiel would be helping Cain with his masses as he was not yet ordained to lead the mass himself), he decided to agree with the monks. He had to stop living with them anyway, and even though the monastery would always be open to Castiel, he was starting to feel as if he was overstaying his welcome.

 

Cain came to pick him up two weeks after the announcement, and Castiel was fully prepared for the long journey ahead of him. After all, it would take them about eight hours on horseback to reach his home village. Cain surprised him, though, by bringing a carriage with him and promising that they were not going to his village, but to Ademanthe. Cain had made sure that Castiel would not be embarrassed by having to lead a mass in front of his parents first, and Castiel appreciated that greatly.

 

Their travels were swift, and they did not get held up anywhere. On their way they discussed the way the masses were supposed to be led, and how Castiel could contribute to the making of the mass, and what his actual role during mass would be. He was excited and afraid but Cain did a great job of calming him down.

 

When they arrived in Ademanthe, Cain insisted that Castiel come live with him at the small cottage the church had provided him with. Castiel graciously accepted, having learned from the monks that living quarters were something that one could desire for their own. He did not want to bother Cain, but Cain made it perfectly clear that Castiel would be no trouble, and that he was actually glad for Castiel’s help as he jokingly said: “I’m not getting any younger and I can’t always do the dishes right after dinner.” It was mutually beneficial, so it diminished Castiel’s issues even more.

 

The masses he prepared with Cain were a joy to perform, and Castiel loved the idea of being able to preach here one day too. He did not want to take Cain’s place, definitely not, because Cain was about the best preacher one could get or one could wish for, but the whole community was amazing in its own respects. When Cain and Castiel spent time together, it was often because of the masses, and Castiel soon realized that he absolutely loved choir masses. He loved trying to find the right tunes and right psalms and the thought of maybe writing his own someday. Cain of course noticed, and soon let Castiel fill out all the musical masses to Castiel’s absolute delight. The joy Castiel displayed was contagious and soon every single person in Ademathe was excited about the choir masses. Word travelled, and after a few years, the monks in Maerthyr took notice too. They called upon him and asked him to conduct his own mass in Maerthyr, with his ‘famous choir’. Castiel could do nothing but accept, and so five years after his departure from Maerthyr, where the monks that had taught him so well, he returned to the lovely place.

 

When Castiel arrived in Maerthyr, he was excited. He wasn’t alone this time, and he was in his element. This was something he was good at: combining music with the holy masses. The monks welcomed him and the choir with open arms, and were glad that even Cain had decided to come along. Apparently it had been way too long since Cain had last visited the monastery but all was forgiven soon after they arrived, and everyone had been assigned their sleeping quarters. Castiel was nervous, but he knew how to control the tightness coiled in his stomach, so he decided to take the afternoon off to calm down and pray and concentrate on the evening that was lying wide open before him. His mass would not be performed until the next morning so there was still enough time to prepare and Castiel had agreed with the choir that they would be practising in the monastery in the evening to test acoustics and see if everything was working as it should. They actually sailed through the rehearsal, as everything went so much better than they had dared to hope for.

 

Castiel slept much better after the amazing practise, and, according to the monks, the morning mass was amazing. A few of the older monks asked Castiel to join them in private prayer after lunch had been served, and Castiel quietly agreed. He knew that the pretence of private prayer would be held up by actually praying, but the time after lunch was actually spent talking about all kinds of deals that could enable the monastery to expand its expertise.

 

He was proven to be right when after prayer, the monks came to the point fairly quickly: they wanted him to introduce more and better choir masses all over the country. It would take him years, but he was allowed to train other monks (if they were approved by the Maerthyr monastery) and have them go in his place. There was one slight disadvantage: as Castiel was technically still a monk of the Maerthyr monastery (he had not yet been ordained as a priest), he had to stay at the monastery again. Still, it was a lovely offer, but Castiel did not know what to think. He was young, and he had only just found his place with Cain, and he liked that place well, thank you very much. He didn’t know if he wanted to go back to the Maerthyr monastery that had been his home for so many years – he enjoyed living at Ademanthe. He did know that this was a once-in-a-lifetime offer, but he had to think about it. The monks gave him an ultimatum - he had to accept or decline before the whole caravan would leave again, which was in a day.

 

The day went by far too quickly. Castiel barely had time to talk to his choir and to Cain, and while everyone was packing, Castiel was still thinking. Ten years earlier he would have clearly seen the road ahead of him, but now that he had settled in with Cain, he was unsure if he should accept such an offer. It was something that would influence many churches and if everything went to hell, it would of course be his fault. On the other hand, as the monks had stressed, this was a positive change, as the amount of actively religious people had dropped drastically in the past few years and music in church would definitely improve their visiting numbers. In the end, it was still his decision to make and Castiel knew it had to be sooner rather than later. He could be preaching with Cain for the rest of his (or Cain’s) life, or he could become a pioneer.

 


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is the longest chapter in this work. I'll probably update more often than I originally thought :)

#  [[Chapter 1]]

 

“It's a miracle

Life till now has been a waste

You have proved to me

By your hand I'm truly graced”

~ _A Feast for the Vain_ – Kamelot

 

_A few years later, Maerthyr_

 

Balthazar shook Castiel awake well before Castiel even wanted to be awake. Castiel groaned and turned around, shaking Balthazar’s hand from his shoulder.

 

“What?” he asked, his voice hoarse from disuse and anger.

 

“It’s so exciting, Cas,” Balthazar said, the volume of his voice too much for Castiel, who flinched and finally opened his eyes.

 

“What’s exciting, Balthazar? What is so very exciting that you had to wake me up at ass o’clock in the morning, hours before morning prayers?”

 

Balthazar grinned. “The new choir boys have just arrived and you will absolutely love them.”

 

Castiel sighed. “I will be with them in a moment. Please leave, I’ll go find you in the hall in about ten minutes, okay?” He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and quickly dressed. “Oh, and would you please make sure that they all get something to drink and some food? We wouldn’t want them starving or parched, they are expected to sing this morning in the Mass.”

 

Balthazar nodded, and Castiel went through his morning rituals without thinking about it altogether too much. The children were set to arrive last night, but they were held up in one of the cities when they were asked to sing for one of Father Sebastian’s other churches. He sincerely hoped that they were not too tired, and that they had been able to sleep at least a little bit during the night. Tired children were a nightmare to work with, and no amount of experience made it any easier. One could never get really used to them.

 

He sighed once more and then quietly went downstairs. He never had to come in to pray in the dead of night, since he wasn’t technically a monk any more, but he often did anyway. He checked the night candle and saw it was three in the morning. The children could probably even sleep a few hours if they really needed to. Castiel thanked God once more that he was doing what made him happy, even if it was in the dead of night and he really just wanted to sleep some more. His religion did ask him to think of the needs of others before his own, so that was what he did.

 

He saw the children lurking quietly in the hall, all eyes tired and some children even nodding off on the floor. He searched for their handlers amidst the mass of children, and quickly found the tired-looking adults. Two women and two men, all still young but too old to be part of the youth choir, and they were also looking worn out. Castiel walked towards them quickly, and spread out his arms in welcome.

 

“Welcome in our monastery. I hope Balthazar has provided you with some food and drink?” He purposefully ended his sentence with a question mark, knowing how some people thought monks should not be contradicted. And he also knew how Balthazar worked.

 

“Yes, thank you. You are very kind, to still welcome us at such an ungodly hour, sir,” one of the women said.

 

“It’s not a problem,” Castiel said, his voice still quiet. “Please call me Castiel, though, not sir. I do not stand for such formality, and certainly not at this hour.”

 

“Okay, Castiel,” one of the men said. “I am Daniel, by the way. The blonde woman-” the one who had just spoken to him “-is called Jessica. The other woman is called Mary, and my only other male traveller is called John.”

 

“Welcome, all of you,” Castiel nodded in greeting to the other handlers. “Shall I lead you to your rooms? The children will have their own sleeping quarters, located two doors down from your rooms.”

 

“I suggest we settle the children first, si- Castiel,” Jessica said. “They have been travelling all day, and if they are to perform at the ten a.m. Mass, we should get them into bed as soon as possible. I hope you don’t mind?”

 

“No, of course not,” Castiel said, smiling. It was good that they cared for the children so much that they put the little ones’ needs before their own. They were truly faithful people of the good kind. “I’ll lead the way, if you’d follow me, please…”

 

The procession up the stairs was quiet, and soon he heard tiny stumbling footsteps on the poorly lighted stairs. They all seemed to arrive on the landing without anyone losing their balance or accidentally falling down the stairs. He exhaled quietly and opened the door to the sleeping quarters for their guests. The room for the children, which was basically a large room with a lot of bunk beds in it, was at the end of the hallway, and he led them quickly there. He stopped Mary and John for a second to talk them through the schedule for the next day – breakfast would be served until about 8.30 and then would not be available any more unless they wanted to cook something themselves. He also told them that they would probably be woken up around seven for morning prayers, because the bells tolled quite loudly in the quiet mornings at the monastery. If they wanted any breakfast, Castiel informed them, they would have to go downstairs and through the hall to the large hall. Food would be served there from seven onwards. The children needed to be ready by nine for the morning Mass, regardless of how tired they were. Castiel still needed to hear them sing, and determine how best to do the setup.

Mary and John were easy people to talk to, and they showed that they were actually paying attention.

 

“Do you need to help Jessica and Daniel with the children?” Castiel asked, a tad nervous. “I have the feeling that I am keeping you from doing your duty.”

 

“No,” Mary laughed. “We have done everything during the day, Jessica and Daniel volunteered to do anything during the night, as they actually got some sleep during the day. I feel like I’m sleepwalking now. I don’t think I’ve shut my eyes since last night.”

 

“Did you travel all right, then? Was the journey too long?” Castiel asked concerned.

 

“No, not at all,” John interjected. “It’s just that the last leg of the journey was quite hard. The children were tired of travelling and just didn’t want to do anything, including sleeping. They managed to impress Brother Sebastian’s church, and they seemed to be on some kind of high after that, so it was hard to get them to sleep.”  


“I also think that one of the children might be homesick, and he has been talking to the other children about going home again, and getting all of the children’s hopes up that they’ll be back with their families in no time,” Mary added. “It’s sometimes really hard to convince them that they still need to sing here, and that the journey back will be longer than the journey here.”

 

Castiel looked at them in confusion. “What do you mean? Are you taking a longer route back? I thought the children would probably like to be home sooner rather than later?”  


“Yes, that is what we thought too,” Jessica said from behind Castiel’s back.

 

“We just wanted to visit some churches on the way back, especially if you enjoy their singing,” Daniel said. “Especially if you think the children are singing very well. I know you have written quite a lot of songs lately, and that you and what’s his name… Balthazar?” Castiel nodded, and Daniel continued. “Now that you two are rumoured to go and broaden the idea of more singing in a Mass… We’d like to make a name for our choir before that. We might get more visitors to our church, and I think our local priest would like that very much.”  


“Sadly, our church seems to be more and more abandoned, lately,” Mary said, her voice conveying that she actually regrets that. “The young people don’t feel like visiting, the old people don’t like the Mass as much anymore, and the children are only there because they are in the choir. I think your idea of more singing in Masses might attract more visitors, too, if the Mass is livelier. I rather enjoy the idea.”

 

The other three nodded in agreement and looked at Castiel. Castiel cleared his throat and said: “Balthazar and I are indeed working on expanding. We’re starting off small, though. If you really enjoy it, though, I could send Balthazar over to your church to help your priests, and maybe we can also implement more singing in the Mass. I’d have to talk to the monks here to see what they agree with. Technically, I am still under their protection, so I’d have to ask for permission. It’s all very intricate at the moment. I’ll talk to the monks today, though, and I will discuss it with you later, if you wish?”  


Mary nodded enthusiastically. “I’d love that, actually. If you want to do that for us, we’d love it. If the monks agree to you being ‘on your own’, kind of, we could probably get our church or at least our priest to agree to Balthazar coming over and looking into the Mass. It would be such an improvement… and I think it would also feel more like prayer than it is now. Listening to a priest talk about what has been written about religion doesn’t feel like prayer to me.”

 

The others agreed quietly, and Daniel yawned afterwards. “As much as I enjoy talking about clerical and ecclesiastical improvements, I think it is time for us to go to sleep. It has been a long few days, and will be even longer on the way back, so I say we should rest.”

 

Castiel agreed, and led them to their rooms. “There are two rooms, so you can split according to gender. We are not very strict in this respect in the monastery, but I think we would all prefer no mixed sleeping arrangements. I hope you don’t mind terribly.”

 

“No, of course not,” Jessica said. “We are here, and this is how it’s done, so we’ll follow your traditions. They are very common, Castiel, so you shouldn’t worry about upsetting us. Mixed sleeping quarters are not done.”

 

Castiel bid them goodnight afterwards and quietly went downstairs again. Now that he was awake, he’d better find Balthazar and make sure that his fellow monk was checking if everything was ready for the children. He also still needed to notify the cooks that the children had finally joined them, so that they were prepared when they started to make breakfast in the morning. Castiel sighed. He had a very long day ahead of himself, and even though he was excited to see the youth choir perform, he was also sceptical about how much he could pretend that he slept his normal hours – he was already feeling tired and he’d only been awake for about an hour now. _Well, I just have to deal with it, don’t I?_ he thought to himself, and then resigned himself to having to put up with everything for just one day.

***

When the children woke up after the tolling of the bell, all Hell broke loose in the monastery. After a quarter of an hour, the whole monastery seemed to be filled with the patters of small feet and excited squeals from children coming and going from every corner of the building. They were not everywhere, though. They were all seated in the hall, eating breakfast and talking amongst themselves about the size of the monastery – or whatever else they were talking about. Castiel was not paying attention to them. He was talking to the monks about branching out differently to their prior agreements, and shared Mary’s enthusiasm for the cause. The monks seemed to be rather sceptical, but agreed to try it. The parish of St John in Wyntherby would be the second place in which they were going to try and incorporate more song into the Masses, as long as the priest would agree. Balthazar would be sent out with the children and Mary, John, Daniel, and Jessica when they were set to leave, and Balthazar would talk to their priest. If the priest accepted, Castiel would go over, too, and finalized plans would be presented before the Masses were actually carried out. Balthazar would stay for supervision and to help the choirs, and Castiel would be travelling back if he thought Balthazar could handle it on his own.

Castiel was glad that it was all talked through, and after eating his breakfast, he went to find the children and their handlers to do a sing-through of the Mass.

 

Mass, of course, was stunning. The children had beautiful voices, and their song rose up to the skies with smatterings of applause as the parishioners and other monks enjoyed the Mass and even started to sing along. _Mary was quite right_ , Castiel thought, _praying is easier through song_. He was proud of the parish of St John. Their choir was amazing (their youth choir, he did not know if they also had an adult choir), and they were very progressive. It had probably something to do with the fact that he was so proud, that he went to talk to the handlers about taking Balthazar with them immediately. He told them about the monks’ decision, and the fact that it would be a trial, so there would be more depending on the outcome than just the number of people turning up to Mass again. The four handlers of course understood the importance of the task, and they accepted it. Castiel smiled at them, and went to get Balthazar to tell him about the good news. He did not want to overwhelm the man, or surprise him. Balthazar could get very angry over surprises, Castiel had noticed over the past few years.

 

When he had finally found Balthazar, somewhere near the children’s handlers, somehow, and talking to the women, he had to pry him apart from the conversation. Castiel needed to stress that talking was of the utmost importance without immediately giving away what was the matter. He needed to ease Balthazar into this, and make sure his fellow monk was ready for the life outside of the monastery.

 

“Balthazar, listen,” Castiel began. “This is actually important, and I think I agree with the monks that you are ready for this, but please don’t make a mess out of this, okay?”  


Balthazar looked at Castiel with one eyebrow drown. “That does nothing to soothe me, Castiel. Please just tell me what it was that was so very important that you actually dragged me out of a riveting conversation.”

 

Castiel took a deep breath. Sometimes Balthazar could be… difficult to deal with, and that often had to do with the fact that he was actually interested in women and… all that came with them. “You are to travel to Wyntherby to introduce our new ideas on the inclusion of more songs in Masses to the priest of St John’s parish.”

 

“That’s it?” Balthazar asked, his voice incredulous. “You dragged me away from people I was trying to befriend for this? Something that is going to happen somewhere in the future, and is not yet actually decided?”  


“No, Balthazar,” Castiel said. “This is actually already decided. You are going to leave tomorrow.”

 

Balthazar froze, and his jaw dropped. “What?”

 

“Yes. That was why it was important that you knew right away. You’ll be travelling with the children’s choir and their handlers, and you will talk to the priest about these ideas, because he will probably agree with them. We want you to spread this idea within the parish, and to have the children’s choir perform more often during Mass. You should also find out if there is an adults’ choir as well, or if it’s just the children singing. I will be travelling to Wyntherby as well, but I have to stay here for at least one month to wrap up some more work, and to talk to the monks about the connections of Maerthyr to this idea.”

 

Balthazar was still frozen but he seemed to be processing the idea of having to travel on such a short notice. “So… I have to travel five days to some godforsaken place to convince a priest to take up our little project which we wouldn’t be spreading further than Maerthyr for a few years?”

 

Castiel sighed. “Don’t swear, Balthazar. I do think that that about sums it up, though. That’s exactly what you are going to do. Then I will visit you one month in, and we’ll see what happens then, okay?”

Balthazar nodded. “Yes. I guess I’d better get ready, then, right?” He got up and stretched. “You know, saying goodbye to every monk in this monastery, and hoping for the best, do some more praying for a safe travel… that kind of stuff.”

 

Castiel nodded, and looked at Balthazar’s retreating back. The following few days would probably be hard on him, too. Not only was his project on the line, he was also losing his closest friend in the monastery. Balthazar was exactly what you expected, but at the same time not the standard monk – and that’s why Castiel liked him so much. Every monk in Maerthyr was normal, and kind of boring sometimes, but he could find his distractions in Balthazar if he needed to.

 

He sighed. The upcoming few weeks would be hard on the both of them, but they would undoubtedly survive. He would be busy, and Balthazar would be busy, and they would both be furthering their project if it all worked out. Castiel did not actually doubt that the priest in St John’s parish wasn’t interested – anyone with a slowly diminishing parish would like to invest in something new to attract worshippers. He was just worried about Balthazar in the wild. Sighing again, Castiel also got up, and walked to his sparse room. He would be praying in his room if anyone desired to see him, and he would definitely be praying for safe passage for the caravan with the children’s choir, their handlers and Balthazar – and also for the sanity of the children’s choir and their handlers. Balthazar was a lot to handle.

 

The following morning, the whole caravan was ready to depart, and Balthazar and Castiel said their quiet goodbyes away from the crowd of children. They would miss each other, but Balthazar was going to be very busy, and Castiel too, so time would be flying by.

 

Mary came up to Castiel to thank him once more for trusting her and putting in a good word for her parish. Castiel got the feeling that Mary was the most invested in their parish of the handlers. He sent her a smile, and the caravan left as soon as Mary got into her designated carriage.

He waved, and then went back into the monastery. It was time for him to talk to the monks about how they were going to market this thing, without actually connecting everyone to the Maerthyr monastery. The monks did not want that, at all, and did not want to be associated with it except maybe to include that Castiel was raised at their monastery. It was going to be a minefield to navigate, but Castiel was pretty sure that they would be able to get through it and that they would manage to find a way to split the involvement of the Maerthyr monastery to only be included in Castiel’s background, and not in the actual ‘choir movement’, as it now had been dubbed by the monks. Castiel still smiled when he heard it. They should have called it ‘more music in Masses movement’. It sounded better and it alliterated.

 

***

 

Castiel had hoped that everything was going well at St John’s parish when he went there a month later. When he arrived, however, Balthazar was nowhere to be found, and the priest whose name he still didn’t know was waiting for him, seemingly fuming.

 

“Hello, sir,” Castiel greeted politely as he got of the carriage that had brought him to Wyntherby. “You look troubled.”

 

“Hello,” the priest greeted, his voice short and clipped. “There is trouble, alright. You are Castiel, right? From the Maerthyr monastery?”

 

Castiel nodded, and went in to ask for the priest’s name, but the priest interrupted his thoughts. “Castiel, then. I’m Robert. You can call me Bobby. I have a question for you. Why did you send Balthazar, of all people, to my parish?”

 

“Sorry, sir?” Castiel said, still not understanding what Bobby was driving at. “I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

 

“Quit calling me ‘sir’, boy.” Bobby huffed. “That man, Balthazar, he hasn’t done anything yet. I know he was supposed to introduce me to that new choir thing of yours, but all he’s done here is lie around in bed most of the day while eating every damn thing that comes within reaching distance.”

 

Castiel blinked. He didn’t know what to say. “Balthazar… he wasn’t like that in the monastery. He was very pious, sometimes a little more… free than we’d like, probably. But he did his work, and he did what was expected of him. I’m deeply sorry for this, Bobby.”

 

“Yeah, you can quit being sorry. Just drag that lazy ass out of his bed and get him started on doing the work he’s supposed to do.”

 

With that, Bobby turned around and marched back into his church. Castiel sighed. He had hoped for the best, but since he hadn’t heard anything from Balthazar at all, so he had no idea this would happen. He had not expected Bobby to be so crass or forward. He’d expected a quiet and kind and modest priest. Not that Bobby wasn’t kind – of course he was, otherwise Balthazar would have been kicked out already. He sighed again and started towards the house where Balthazar’s bedroom was surely located. The house was sparsely furnished, fitting for a priest, but also very rustic. He walked up the sturdy stairs and went for the one room of which the door was still closed. That was probably Balthazar’s room. He knocked on it and then went in without waiting for an answer.

 

“You are the absolute worst, you know?” he heard from within. “I was finally free and now you’re here to bind me again.”

 

“Balthazar?” Castiel asked, slowly stepping into the room while looking around. This room was also very sparsely decorated, but it did have a rather lavish mirror.

 

“Of course, Castiel. Who else would be in this room, do you think?”

 

Castiel sighed again, and immediately felt bad for it. He had to see this through, though. “I don’t know what to think any more, Balthazar. I sent you here to actually do some work, and now I have to hear from Bobby that you haven’t done anything yet. He doesn’t know about the plan. What have you done?”

 

“You mean, what have I not done, Castiel?” Balthazar appeared before him, now fully dressed but a little mussed still. “I have done so much here.”

 

“Well, you haven’t done as I asked,” Castiel said, his voice even. “As you were asked to do when you left the monastery.”

 

“Did you stop to think that maybe I wanted to leave the monastery?” Balthazar replied, his voice as even as Castiel’s.

 

“Balthazar, you know I like you, but… please. You- I have been talking to the monastery. Maerthyr monastery doesn’t really want to have too much to do with this choir thing. They don’t want it to backfire on them,” Castiel said. He needed to explain this properly before he let Balthazar interrupt him again. “So basically, I’ll go back to Maerthyr and have my rooms there, and I will be part of the Maerthyr monastery but the expansion of song in the Masses would not be part of their monastery. I would be operating it on my own. Or with you, if you actually could get up and do what I asked of you.”

 

Balthazar looked at Castiel with narrowed eyes. “When did this happen?”

 

“Have you read any of the letters I sent you?”  


Balthazar gestured towards the stack of unopened letters on his dresser and shrugged. “I guess not, Castiel.”

 

“Okay.” Castiel took another deep breath. “The monastery and I have been talking about how we were going to do this. We decided that because the sung Masses were my idea, I would be fully responsible for it. So if anything goes wrong, I can’t drag them down with me – not that I wanted that, but it’s all about the idea here. So, there were some contracts involved so they can prove that they might have been the inspiration, and that they were the ones who helped develop it, but I am fully responsible for whatever happens. It’s like I have employees now, but all of them are monks and I don’t have to pay them. Basically. Do you follow that, Balthazar?”

 

Balthazar nodded, but his eyes were still narrowed and he looked like he didn’t really trust what Castiel was saying.

 

“Okay, so that means that if you start to ‘work’ for me, as it were, you would be able to leave the monastery, and not be a monk in Maerthyr anymore but instead be a monk _for me_. You’d be able to go where you wanted as long as you would do as I asked. I need to add that I reserved the right to return monks to Maerthyr if I thought they were misbehaving and not following etiquette.” Castiel glared at Balthazar. “And you are getting dangerously close to getting sent back to Maerthyr and having to attend all early morning and late evening prayers.”

 

Balthazar gulped, and sat down on his bed. “So, Castiel, you are offering me a way out of the monastery while also keeping me in a monastery. But not really. And all I needed to do was to spread the word about the choirs, right?”

 

“Well, you’d have to actually help them establish the choir and help them set up Masses, and then you’d have to go back occasionally to check in on them, but that would essentially be it, yes.”

 

Balthazar’s eyes glinted, and he seemed to actually get more interested. “I think I’d like that, Castiel.”

 

Castiel smiled. “I’d like it if you joined me. But I’d need to have confirmation that you’re actually doing something, so let’s start here. You are going to convince Bobby to change his Masses, and you’ll write me regularly with updates. I’ll reply and help you from Maerthyr, and when you think the Mass is done, you invite me to attend. If we can agree that it is significantly improved, _and_ Bobby feels confident in this change, you can move on to a new parish. What do you think?”

 

“So you’re just going to leave again?” Balthazar asked. “I thought I’d be seeing you for a few days at least now.”

 

“Yes, sorry about that,” Castiel said and he tried to mean it, but he couldn’t. “I’m actually here because Bobby wrote me about you not doing anything. I was so glad to hear from him that I travelled here immediately and I think that was a good decision. I _hope_ it was a good decision.”

 

Balthazar looked down like he was ashamed, and it’s the first time that Castiel actually believed that Balthazar might really be ashamed. “I’ll try, Castiel.”

 

“I sure hope so.” With that, Castiel left and went to find Bobby to tell him he’d be back in a month or so, and actually expected Balthazar to do something now – he included that Bobby could now threaten him with being sent back to Maerthyr. Then he took his leave and took the five days he was travelling back to Maerthyr to sketch out some more plans on the choir movement.

 

***

 

A month later Castiel travelled back to Wyntherby to meet up with Bobby once more, only to find Balthazar looking more ready than ever. Balthazar had sent him regular updates now, and had actually managed to get the choirs ready. He even told Castiel in a letter that he thought that the choir was very much ready for the Mass, and that Bobby actually enjoyed doing these kinds of masses instead of the normal reading ones. It turned out that St John’s parish had multiple choirs, and combining them had been a golden hit. They were comfortable, and Castiel had not seen a beautiful Mass like that in a quite some time.

 

He deemed Balthazar to be ready, and directly after Mass, Castiel met up with Balthazar and Bobby. Bobby was not only newly converted to this type of Mass – he seemed to love it just as much as the parishioners did – but he wanted to support them.

 

“I don’t think there is a lot I can do for you boys,” Bobby said. “But I can at least spread the word that this is a new thing, and if parishes are interested, I will forward you their information so you can actually go to people who want it, instead of trying to convert random parishes to follow your lead in something so completely different.”

 

Castiel smiled. “I would love that,” he said, the smile clear in his voice. “You can always send us letters with contact information. I will be residing in the Maerthyr monastery still, but I think Balthazar enjoys being out there more than I do.”

 

Balthazar nodded in agreement. “Castiel should definitely be the one who is behind all of this, and I will be the one to go out and do stuff.”

 

“Good,” Bobby said. “I will send you home, then, because you have done what you can and I think I can handle it from here. I will send Samandriel with you, however. He wants to join the Maerthyr monastery, but he also loves singing. So you can ask him if he wants to help you, too.”

Castiel didn’t know what to think about it, but he accepted. Apparently Samandriel did actually want to go into a monastery, and his parents did not mind. He was a bubbly young boy of about 10 years old, and Castiel liked him immediately. He agreed with Bobby that Samandriel was going to be schooled in the monastery and would then join his movement if he wanted to. Balthazar, Castiel and Samandriel managed to leave the same day, and the journey back was at least a bit brighter with Samandriel on board.

 

A few years later, their movement had exponentially grown, and Castiel was very much still involved with everything, as was Balthazar. They decided that they would both head the organisation, and that the younger monks would be travelling around now. Balthazar scoped parishes initially, then went in with a younger monk, and stayed to supervise. Castiel took on new parishes, and sent out word to Balthazar when he was needed somewhere. The system really worked, and their movement was growing still. Most parishes had now at least heard about it, and about the success it turned out to be. Most churches were dealing with lower attendance numbers, and Castiel’s method helped churches to gain more worshippers, as the singing attracted younger people as well.

 

***

 

Then, one day, everything crumbled before Castiel’s eyes. Castiel was still responsible for everything and everyone, but the younger monks were not actually under his supervision. They were sent from other monasteries as well, those who had taken an interest in Castiel’s mission and wanted to support him. Castiel never forced them to leave their monastery if they didn’t want to, but if they wanted to, he always asked them to become a member of the Maerthyr monastery so that they could still learn while teaching others. It was a safe way of making sure that Castiel was not actually responsible for all of the monks – their numbers had grown somewhere in the thousands now, and it was actually scary. The only person he was actually still responsible for was Balthazar, but he had settled down in his wild manner from years before – or that was what Castiel thought.

 

Until the day when he was called towards the magistrate to answer for the crimes of someone in his care, someone he was responsible for. Castiel didn’t understand what he was doing there, and it took the magistrate several times to explain.

 

“Mister Novak, you understand the grave charges before you?” Castiel shook his head. He still didn’t get it. What had happened to him? To Balthazar?

 

“Sir, your protégé, or whatever you want to call him, has committed a grave crime, and seeing that you are still stated as the person responsible for him, and in the light of this… _interesting_ turn of events and your well-known mission, we have to convict you as well. This was how it was stated in the contracts you signed with the Maerthyr monastery.”

 

“But… What did Balthazar do, then?”

 

The magistrate sighed. “I almost don’t want to tell you, because you will be serving time in prison regardless, and while your sentence will be less harsh than Mr Freeley’s, it will definitely be around ten years still. Do you want to know what your friend slash protégé did?”

 

Castiel was confused. There were only a few things that would warrant such a high amount of years, and he was very much on the line about what he wanted to do: did he want to know or did he really just want to be oblivious. Castiel worried his bottom lip. In the end, he _was_ responsible for Balthazar, so he would need to talk to Balthazar about what happened when the both of them were… free again.

 

“I think I have to know, sir,” Castiel whispered.

 

The magistrate shrugged. “Your funeral, sir,” he said, his voice void of any indicators. “Balthazar Freeley was found a fortnight ago in a church in St Rotherford’s parish, with his pants at his ankles and his...” – The magistrate had to cough here – “… his penis in a choir boy’s anus.”

Castiel went white. The magistrate had been right. He definitely didn’t want to know this. His best friend, his _closest_ friend was a homophile? And a paedophile? Castiel’s legs went wobbly and he had to sit down. He really couldn’t deal with this. He definitely couldn’t ever see Balthazar again. Balthazar had completely violated Castiel’s trust, and he didn’t even know if this was the first time it happened. Maybe it had happened before.

 

Suddenly Castiel felt sick. He gagged, and one of the court helpers rushed to his side with a bucket. He threw up just as the boy placed it in front of him, and Castiel was glad for it. He shuddered and wiped his mouth.

 

“I… I think you were right, sir,” Castiel managed before throwing up again. “And I definitely think I deserve to be put away in prison for that. I can’t handle imagining how many other young boys I have exposed to Balthazar, and I wish I had known before, and I wish I could have done something about it. I’m guilty as charged.”

 

The magistrate looked upon Castiel with something close to pity. “There is no evidence that this has happened before, Mr Novak,” he said. “And I wholly believe that you don’t have anything to do with this, and that you _would_ have done anything you could have to prevent this. We are in the process of abolishing contract-bound imprisonment, but unfortunately I cannot let you go yet without a sentence, which is why I sentence you to only ten years. It is the lowest sentence I can give you with this contract and the crime. On top of that, I will put you in a different prison from Mr Freeley’s, and yours will be more accommodating. You will be transported tomorrow, and you are to return to the Maerthyr monastery until you are transported, and you are not to leave the monastery grounds. This is my verdict.”

 

With a last tap of the hammer, Castiel’s fate was sealed. He knew he deserved it – he had stopped supervising Balthazar a year back because it was so very busy and he just didn’t have time, and… he knew he should have made the monks go by pairs, and he should have…

 

Full of guilty thoughts, Castiel was returned to the Maerthyr monastery, where he went to his sparse room immediately. He slept fitfully, but he slept. Still, he knew he deserved all of it.


	3. Chapter 2

#  [[Chapter 2]]

“The banners wave upon the promenade.

Colors fly and the funeral march is played.

There is is there a foul taste in the air.”

~ _Invitation to a Funeral_ – Two Gallants

 

When Castiel woke up the next morning, it was with dread filling his stomach. Memories of the day before returned with a vengeance, and Castiel felt ill. He knew he was not going to be able to keep it together today, and he knew that the monks didn’t want anything to do with him today, so he decided that he would be going down for breakfast, and would then hunt Samandriel down. Samandriel would want to talk to him, quiet and caring and non-judgmental as he was.

 

Castiel slowly got dressed and moved towards his dresser. He knew he couldn’t take anything with him to prison, but he didn’t want to leave all of his belongings here for ten years, taking up space the monks might need. He took a deep breath, and went downstairs in search for food and Samandriel. Food was easily accomplished, and he ate in silence. He hated the judging looks the other monks threw him, but he couldn’t do anything but feel the same. He was still judging himself for not interfering any sooner. He wanted the prison cart to come and get him now, instead of only at three in the afternoon. He didn’t want to be in Maerthyr any more, not now everyone knew what he was responsible for. What _monster_ he was responsible for. He sighed once more before bringing his empty plate over to the stack near the cooks, and then quickly left the hall, his head ducked down in shame.

 

His next mission was to find Samandriel. He really needed to talk to the boy. Maybe he’d want to keep the mission going, still. The idea was not tainted, just Castiel and Balthazar, and they had been leading it. As long as there were no other incidents, Samandriel would be able to carry on with the mission and do it _well_ , while absolutely loving everyone at the same time. Good God, Castiel was still judging Balthazar, and that went against everything he ever wanted to do in life.

 

“Castiel, are you okay?” a voice asked to his right. Castiel looked up, startled, only to see Samandriel looking back.

 

“I…” Castiel sighed and decided that he didn’t have anything to lose any more, so he’d better be honest to the one person who might like him after this. “No, I’m not okay. I was actually looking for you. I think we need to talk, Samandriel.”

 

Samandriel looked at Castiel and understood the severity of the situation. He nodded, and gestured to his room. “We can talk in my room. You don’t have to, you know.”

 

“No, Samandriel, you don’t understand.” Castiel dragged a hand over his face, and exhaled. “I do need to talk to you. I won’t be able to talk to you in the upcoming ten years. They are not _allowing_ me any contact with anyone in the monastery.”

 

“I don’t understand,” Samandriel said. “What do you mean?”  


“I mean that…” Castiel stopped. “Did you not hear about what Balthazar did?” How could someone possibly have missed that, _and_ the fact that Castiel was sentenced to a life in prison for at least ten years as well?  


“No?”

 

“Balthazar did something very wrong, and because of the contract I signed with the Maerthyr monastery, _the very contract Balthazar had co-signed_ , we have now both sentenced to serve time in prison. Balthazar got a lifelong sentence, and I will be serving ten years. I don’t want to go into detail with what exactly he has done, as it disgusts me, but I do need to talk about what will happen now.”

 

“Do you know what will happen with the choir movement, Castiel? You can’t run it from prison, can you?” Samandriel asked, his voice a tad higher than normal. Of course the boy was worried. He had apparently found his calling in the movement, and really enjoyed being on the road and helping people set up new Masses.

 

“That is exactly what I want to talk about with you,” Castiel said, his voice heavy. “You know how it all works, right?” When Samandriel nodded, Castiel continued. “I think you are best equipped to keep doing this. I’m really not allowed to do anything from prison, but you can maybe write to me once a month, to just keep in touch. I will probably need that, too. Keep me updated, you know. Keep in touch with the world.”

 

Samandriel nodded again. “I think I understand. You once told me that it wasn’t even that hard, just keeping track of the letters and where the participating monks were. I think I can do that, Castiel. I love the movement, and I love being a part of it, and I really don’t want to let you down.”

 

Castiel smiled. “I didn’t expect anything else, really. I’ll help you set up now, but I still need to do a lot. Shall we meet again in this room in about half an hour? I will bring my correspondence on the movement with me, and some other possessions I want to give you, and then I will walk you through it all.”

 

After bringing Samandriel everything, including his normal books and the other possessions he wanted Samandriel to have, he quickly walked the younger man through it. He was very confident in Samandriel’s abilities, and he knew that he would be leaving the movement in very capable hands.

 

“Now, the last thing you need to remember is that you don’t sign in my name, but rather in your own. I cannot be linked to the organisation any more. Soon, everyone will know about the incident, and I will definitely be condemned. I don’t want the movement to suffer for mine and Balthazar’s mistakes. Do you understand that?”

 

Samandriel nodded.

 

“Okay, good. I think that was about it.” Castiel sighed. The moment he needed to say goodbye to it all was coming very close. “If there’s anything you don’t understand, or if you need help, the monks will be able to help you. They might not look very favourable upon me, but they will want to further the movement, and they like you, too.”

 

Samandriel smiled. “I don’t think I’ll be the best replacement,” he said. “But I will try, for you. I hope that you’ll come look for me when you are free again.”

 

“Thank you, Samandriel,” Castiel whispered. He felt that the conversation was over, and hugged Samandriel in goodbye. It would be a long time before he would be meeting the man again, and Castiel wanted Samandriel to have mainly happy thoughts of himself, so he left it at that.

 

An hour later found him giving his final confession to one of his fellow monks. The confessional was designed to disguise the person confessing, but the priest still knows. Castiel feels it when he starts speaking.

 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” Castiel murmured, his voice just loud enough to be heard.

 

“Please, my son, speak up, and your sins will be absolved,” the detached voice said. Castiel heard the thinly disguised contempt in the voice, though, and he almost lost his courage, but then he thought of the ten years he would have to do without being able to confess, and he pushed through.

 

“I have not been kind and unforgiving. I have condemned a friend, and I have talked about him behind his back. I have not looked after my fellows and I regret that. I… I have not been able to stop my friend from doing unspeakable things to a child, and I have been punished for that, but I don’t think it is enough. What should I do, Father?”

 

The priest sighed loudly and then started talking. “You are already punished for the last sin, but to be absolved further, you should do fifty daily general prayers, and ten daily prayers to pray for the soul of the sinner himself. Whether that is you or your friend, or both, is not important. Sixty prayers a day will be enough for the duration of the worldly punishment. Will you be able to do confessions during your punishment?”

 

“I don’t think I will be allowed, Father,” Castiel replied. The monk had been rather mild in the amount of prayers, in Castiel’s opinion.

 

“Then you will have to return after your punishment for a new confession. That will be it. Amen.”

 

“Amen,” Castiel amended, and then got out of the confessional. Sixty prayers a day for ten years would be doable. It would help ground him, and he would be able to come to terms with Balthazar’s betrayal of his trust, and how Castiel has failed his friend. Castiel took a deep breath, and tried to steady himself, before going to the door. The confession was the last step before he had to go to prison, and he was ready to leave. No one looked upon him favourably any more, and no one except for Samandriel wanted to talk to him, so he didn’t even feel at home any more.

The carriage stopped in front of the monastery, and Castiel stepped into it. He looked back to the monastery, and then mentally said goodbye to his home. He silently wished that the prison would be cold and impersonal, and not warm and welcoming and _home_ which he’d then just lose again. He just wanted to lose all sense of himself after this. He deserved to be a shadow of himself after what he had done – or rather, what he had _not done_.

 


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous chapter was pretty short, so here's another one :)

#  [[Chapter 3]]

“I walk alone

On the path of self-extinction

With all these chains to pull me down”

~ _My Therapy_ \- Kamelot

 

Castiel’s arrival at the prison was rather uneventful. After arriving, he was checked in by the prison guards, and searched for any objects he is not allowed to bring in. It is humiliating, but Castiel knew it is necessary. Even though the guards knew he was a monk, he couldn’t be treated differently from the other prisoners. He could be prostrated before them and they would not believe that he wasn’t smuggling contraband in. It was a prison after all, and on an intellectual level he knew that it is a place where criminals resided and that criminals are not to be trusted, and that behaviour like that will be extrapolated to everyone who was entering the prison. Still. He felt uncomfortable and mildly humiliated.

 

In the prison, everything was clean, and Castiel thanked his lucky stars, and God, for that one little fact. He didn’t know what exactly he was expecting, but a very clean prison apparently wasn’t really on the list of expectations. It was more or less on the list of things he’d hoped for, or best case scenarios which he didn’t think would be true. He was led to his cell by one of the guards who had introduced himself as Garth, and who was idly chatting away at a speed faster than Castiel thought humanly possible. Garth seemed more nervous than Castiel, but Castiel let him chatter on until they reached the cell. Then Garth seemed to take a large breath, and actually continued talking at rapid speed:

 

“This is your cell and you’ll be staying here at all times except for when someone asks for you and the request is approved by the highest instances and then you will be let out of the cell but you will still be escorted to the meeting room with a guard and that guard is to stay with you at all times, and there are no exceptions. Also you will get your mail once a week, and you are allowed to reply to them once a week, as well, and outgoing post will be collected on Saturdays while incoming post will be distributed on Wednesdays, and if you want to reply to someone’s letter but don’t have any writing materials or utensils, you can always ask a guard for some stuff, and they will pass your request on to be evaluated by the highest instances and if it is approved you will get your stuff. So this is your cell and do you have any questions?”  


Castiel thought for a few seconds. So he was in solitary confinement. He was still processing most of what Garth had just told him. “Am I allowed to have books sent in? Or can I read somehow?”

“You’ll be having a standard-issued book that details prayers from your religion, but apart from that we don’t have standard-issued books,” Garth replied, the speed finally gone from his voice. “You can borrow books, and you can put in requests for books. Those will all have to be approved, however, and that will probably take a while, especially if it’s literature that no one has read yet. We need to see if it’s not anything rebellious, you know. Or something that has been marked as forbidden literature for the prison. If you wanted, I could leave you a list of the forbidden literature, and the books we have in the library?”

 

“Thank you, Garth, please.” Castiel was glad that the prison guards were not as horrible as he’d worried they would be. The solitude of the place would probably help him deal, and even though he didn’t want the prison to become his second home, he thought he could at least kind of settle in now. _Home_ wasn’t a good word any more, and he didn’t want to settle down anywhere, but in this case he really didn’t have any choice in the matter, and he thought that maybe he could at least make the most of the literature he could read during his captivity. When he wasn’t doing his sixty prayers a day, that was.

 

“Okay, will do. Your evening guard will be by this evening with your meal, and he will provide you with the list. You may also ask him for a book to read. I think I now have to lock you in, though. We have been dawdling long enough.” Garth produced a large set of keys, and proceeded to open the door in front of them. “Of course you also have your own toilet and bathroom, and food will be brought in. You have one towel, and you are expected to shower daily, and then give the towel to the guard bringing in the meal closest to your shower. In the morning, you will be provided with a fresh towel.”

 

Castiel nodded. He didn’t know what to say. It was so final, and up until now it hadn’t really felt real. The cell was clean too, and he couldn’t actually say anything about how and when Garth could lock him in his cell, so he decided to just let it all flow over him.

 

“Okay,” Garth said. “Please step into your cell. Like I said, your evening guard will bring by your evening meal and the lists. I will see you again in the morning.”

 

Castiel stepped into the cell, and he heard the heavy door close behind him, and then the ominous creaking of an old key turning in a lock. That was it: the beginning of his ten years of incarceration. He looked around in his cell, and saw the cleanliness, but also the blankness of the whole room. He could lose himself, his personality, in there, simply by being bored. Castiel took a deep breath and surveyed the rest of the room. There was a simple bed, a chair and a table, and a couch. He didn’t have anything else, but he didn’t need anything else. The bathroom was actually a different room, with a door and all, and the shower and toilet looked clean as well. Castiel was overall pretty happy with what he had but he knew he couldn’t be. He _shouldn’t_ be. This was punishment. He was supposed to not be happy and repent for everything that he had done wrong, and for what Balthazar had done wrong. He needed to repent, he needed to be reset. He didn’t deserve luxury and he certainly didn’t deserve to educate himself in the prison. _I need to repent, this is punishment and I should act like it_. The world was unfair for sticking him in that luxurious prison and having him enjoy it. He shouldn’t, he couldn’t…

 

Before Castiel knew it, he was crying on the floor. It was the first time he had shown any form of emotion since the whole sordid affair had been revealed, and he knew that when he broke down, he would break down hard. Everything was just very unfair. He had never asked to actually be responsible for Balthazar, he never _asked_ for Balthazar to be a deviant. All he ever asked for was for Balthazar to get his act back together or be brought back to the Maerthyr monastery, and apparently Balthazar didn’t get his act back together. Or not completely anyway. It was _his_ fault, it _was all my fault and I should have known before_. Castiel was sobbing into his hands before he knew it, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. He didn’t want to be crying over the horrible things his best friend had done. Castiel stopped himself. Balthazar was definitely not his best friend any more. He was now downgraded to _former_ best friend. He didn’t want anything to do with the man, and actually hoped to never cross paths with him again. Castiel knew that was not even just a possibility but reality: Balthazar was in for life, and he would never get out of prison again.

 

Castiel slowly calmed himself down. He didn’t know why the crying fit had come over him, but he did know that he had realized a few important things in the process. He now knew that he had to stop referring to Balthazar as his best friend, and he had just taken the first steps to forgiving himself. He also really wanted to read books he liked again, even if they were on religion. Castiel enjoyed reading about religion, and not just his own, but others. They interested him more than world histories, for instance. World histories tended to be long and boring pieces written from a certain perspective, and they never actually told all of the world’s history. Just parts of it, and those parts were often the parts that that specific writer or the specific subject benefitted from. Castiel did think they were interesting to study, but he never actually thought of them as literature worth reading just for pleasure, as they tended to annoy him after a few minutes of reading.

 

He settled down on the couch, and grabbed the book of prayers from the table. He’d better get started on the daily prayers he had promised in the confessional, since he didn’t have anything else to do until his food would arrive.

 

***

 

Everything seemed to go so quick. In a month, Castiel had settled into a rhythm, and he actually enjoyed the time he had for introspection. He learned to get up early and get a shower when the hot water was actually still hot, then pray until his breakfast was brought in by Garth and the wet towel was taken away. He would read until around lunch, when Garth would once more come in to provide him with food, and after lunch, he would work out for a bit, and say twenty of his daily prayers. In the evening, when the guard called Sam came in, he took in his evening meal, and then got to think on which books he wanted to read next. He would say his final prayers, and when Sam would come in to take away his plate, they would talk for a few minutes. Sam was very intelligent, and recommended a lot of books. Castiel enjoyed their conversations. It made him feel a tad more human, and while Castiel knew he was still a prisoner, Sam didn’t seem to care. Castiel got the feeling that Sam was happy to have someone of his own intelligence talk to him for a while, especially when he mentioned a brother with contempt in his voice. Apparently Sam’s brother was very stupid – Castiel didn’t know if that meant he was dim-witted, or if he just didn’t think his actions through – and Sam hadn’t spoken to him in a while.

 

It was interesting to talk to the prison guards about books, and about how the outside world was doing. They were not supposed to tell him, but between Samandriel’s monthly letter and Sam and Garth’s information, Castiel managed to find out that the world was slowly changing, and that his movement was still going strong, and that even royalty were now joining their Mass. When Castiel heard that, his chest swelled with pride for Samandriel. The boy really had made it very far, and his trust had not been misplaced. _Not as it apparently was with Balthazar_ , a treacherous voice in his mind whispered. Castiel had to put in conscious effort to squash down the voice and just be proud of the boy. He deserved it.

 

His conversations with Sam turned more to religious topics once the guard realised that Castiel used to be a monk before he was sentenced. Sam was very interested in his life, and Castiel appreciated the interest, even though he didn’t really want to think about the Maerthyr monastery at all, as they had all abandoned him. The interest in his life did help him perk up, however, and Castiel was overall glad that he could talk to Sam like he was an equal.

It was nice to have some kind of conversation partners in prison, even if they were his prison guards.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not uploading earlier but I had a shitty week because of something that happened on my old secondary school and involved a teacher I knew very well. I am not coping too well, and I'm stressed out because of work. So, I'm sorry.

#  [[Chapter 4]]

“When I'm free

When my sun has set

Released my soul forever

I'll have no regret

To be free

I'll exist again

No more lost endeavors

Nothing to contend

When I'm free”

~ _Unleashed_ \- Epica

 

Sam became one of the most important people in Castiel’s life in the prison. Conversation seemed to flow naturally, and they actually enjoyed each other’s company. So when one day someone else took over Sam’s shift, Castiel was shocked and slightly worried. He started thinking what might have caused Sam’s absence, but couldn’t come up with anything. The guard who had taken over Sam’s shift was less conversational, and did everything with the air of someone who just wanted to be done with it and go home afterwards, so Castiel didn’t bother to try and ask him. Instead, he resolved to ask Garth in the morning.

 

Morning couldn’t come quick enough for Castiel, as the night had not brought him much solace. He had actually slept fitfully, instead thinking about what might have happened, and how Sam hadn’t mentioned his brother in a while. Maybe something had happened with his brother. Castiel’s thoughts had spiralled from there, and it had woken him up several times during the night.

 

When Garth gave Castiel his breakfast, Castiel softly touched Garth’s wrist. “Do you know where Sam is? Is something wrong?” Castiel asked, the worry he’d felt all night now overflowing into his voice.

 

Garth stared at Castiel. “Nothing’s wrong. He’s taken some personal days off, he’ll be back tomorrow. Something with his brother being stupid again, I thought. No one actually knows. He just mumbled something and then took the personal days he had left.”

 

Castiel exhaled in relief. “I’m sorry, I just… I missed him last night, and I… I got worried.”

 

Garth shrugged. “I hear you talk often, so it’s understandable. Also, Adam is kind of detached from the whole prison scene, he only started last week, so he’s the newbie here.”

 

Castiel smiled. “Thank you, Garth.” Garth nodded in acknowledgment, and then left.

 

That was good. Nothing was actually wrong with Sam. Sam was fine. It was just his brother doing something. Castiel thought he was worrying irrationally, but at the same time he remembered that he hadn’t been worried at all about Balthazar, and that made him realise that, while the situation was very different now, he just didn’t want a repeat of someone he cared for doing something stupid and landing them (or just him) in a sticky situation. He _cared_ about Sam, and he didn’t want anything happening to one of his three ways to get into contact with the outside world. Samandriel was still writing him, but he was busier than ever, so Castiel didn’t even expect a monthly letter any more, and learned to appreciate any letter that was sent. Garth was sparse with information, but he knew Castiel’s interests, and if he heard anything about it, he would divulge the information. Sam, on the other hand, Sam was becoming a friend, and they would hold actual conversations. So sue Castiel, he was actually worried to lose the only person with whom he could hold a real conversation with.

He was just worried about that, he kept thinking. Deep down, though, he knew something was going to happen.

 

After a few days of tolerating Adam and his anti-social behaviour, Castiel had finally found that he could let go of some of the things that were keeping him in his daily schedule. He had interesting books, but the prayers couldn’t always hold his thoughts. While he still considered himself to be religious, he now started doubting the amount of prayers he was assigned after his confession. He thought that he had started to forgive himself for what he had done, and after three years in prison he was conscious of the fact that _Balthazar_ chose to do this, and that he knew the effects of his misdeeds. Castiel was starting to see that the blame was not fully on himself, but instead almost completely on Balthazar, and that he was just caught up in the contract. Still, Castiel thought that was reason enough to lower the daily amount of prayers to twenty instead of sixty. With that, he managed to read more throughout the day, and pray a little less while still practising his faith. He had calmed down and was resigned to the fact that Sam might take a few days to come back. With that in mind, he was able to sleep a whole lot easier, and sleep even came quicker to him than before. Making peace with the mind was apparently more sleep-inducing than he thought.

 

In the middle of the night, however, Castiel was woken by pounding on his window. His mind still addled with sleep, he got up and went over to the window. He looked out of the window blearily, and rubbed his eyes to see better. He didn’t know if he was dreaming or not, but there was a man dangling in front of his window.

 

Castiel tried to communicate that he couldn’t open any windows but the man didn’t seem to get it. Castiel signalled that the man had to hold on for a second, and went to look for his writing materials. He quickly found a pen and paper, and wrote down on the paper: “I’m in a prison. I can’t open the window.”

The man laughed, actually laughed out loud, and Castiel could hear it through the window. The man did a thumbs up, and then left Castiel’s eye sight. Castiel shrugged, thought that it was a weird instance, and went back to bed. Never before had he had such a weird dream.

 

An hour later, Castiel was once again woken, but this time around it was because someone was opening the door to his cell. Castiel woke up quicker this time around, and he was startled to see a very shifty looking Sam entering his cell.

 

“Sam, what–”

 

Sam shushed him quickly and gestured to get dressed. Castiel quickly put on his clothes and shoes, and then followed Sam. He knew he was getting busted out of prison, and he didn’t yet know if he should appreciate the effort. Sam was in on it, though, so it was probably fine. Castiel prayed to God that he would get out of this in one piece, but Sam seemed to know what he was doing, so he would trust Sam on this. And then ask for clarification _after_ he was out and felt safe once again. Getting out of prison was apparently not that hard, and there were not that many prisoners out. Most of them were still in their cells, and it didn’t look like they were going to be freed. Was this some kind of weird attempt to bust out a few people but leave the rest in? Castiel just didn’t get it.

 

The first breath of fresh air threw Castiel for a loop. He didn’t know how he had been able to get through three years without missing _fresh air_. It had always been very important for him, but he was able to forget the smell of the earth very easily apparently. Sam led him to a group of people on horses, and helped Castiel on top of one of the horses that didn’t have a rider yet. Castiel looked up, startled. He had never ridden a horse before, and he had no idea what he should be doing. One of the other horse riders took the reins of Castiel’s horse, though, and soon they were off.

 

They travelled for quite a while, and Castiel started to feel sore before they reached their final destination. He also needed to use the toilet badly but was too afraid to say anything. The rider navigated the forests easily, and Castiel felt sure when he said they had travelled at least a few kilometres before they stopped at a clearing where a few tents were set up. When they stopped, the rider helped Castiel dismount, and chuckled when Castiel basically slid to the forest ground after getting off the horse.

 

“First time on a horse?” The voice was distinctively male and his amusement at Castiel’s dismount was clear.

 

Castiel just looked back at the horse, and nodded. “I’m not used to travelling anyway, and when I did, it was by carriage.”

“What’s your name, stranger?” the man asked, voice kinder now.

 

“I’m Castiel.” He didn’t particularly feel the need to tell the stranger his last name. No one had any right to know more about him right now. He needed to know where he was, and most of all _why_ he was where he was. What came out next wasn’t actually what he wanted to know. “Who are you?”  


“I’m Dean,” the stranger – Dean – said, his voice easier. “Sam will talk to you when he’s back. He’s liberating the last of the relevant prisoners.”

 

“Dean?” Castiel asked. “As in Sam’s brother Dean?”

 

“Huh,” Dean said. “Did Sam actually tell you about me? That’s a first. He never does. He must have had _intelligent conversations_ with you, then.” Dean said the words ‘intelligent conversation’ as if they were poisonous, but Castiel got the feeling that he didn’t actually dislike it – more that Dean was distrustful of that kind of thing.

 

Castiel was defensive immediately, though, and didn’t try to spin out more of a conversation. Even though he craved to talk to someone who was not in the prison anymore and wanted to know more about what had just happened, he would just have to wait for Sam, didn’t he?

 

Dean seemed to enjoy the quiet as well, and after a few seconds Castiel got up. “I need to use the toilet,” he said.

 

Dean shrugged. “Go use a tree. Don’t wander off too far, though. We don’t want any of the guards to find you again, and have you leading them back to us.”

 

Castiel glared at Dean, and bristled at the suggestion. He understood, though that didn’t mean that he had to like it. He quickly went about his business, and then returned to Dean. The man was still quiet, but it seemed like he was listening intently to the forest. Castiel obviously didn’t get what Dean was hearing when he perked up, but a few minutes later Castiel saw what Dean had been so excited about. Sam and a few other riders came out through the trees. They all got off their horses. Sam tied all the horses to the trees around the clearing.

 

“Hey Dean,” Sam greeted. “Here we are. I think it’s best if you go cook them something, and get them something to drink, and I’ll explain in the meantime.”

 

Dean nodded and went back into one of the tents. Sam turned towards the group of four people who were standing in the clearing.

“Hi guys!” he said, voice bright. “You all know me, and the guy who went to make you food is Dean. We try to help people as much as possible. In your case, this is releasing you from prison. None of you deserved your sentence.” Sam stopped for a second and saw the protest in Castiel’s eyes. “Look. All of you were sentenced because you were bound to _someone else_ who actually did the criminal offense. You were only involved because of that contract. Contract law has been banned for several years now, and Dean and I are rescuing people who were involved in this and were thus unlawfully sentenced according to current law.”

 

Castiel felt his jaw go slack. He was actually almost _lawfully_ _free_ now. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. One of the other prisoners – well, ex-prisoners, actually – spoke up before any of the others could.

 

“So what, we free to go now?” he asked. “Or are you going to keep us here?”

 

Sam smiled. “Technically, you are free to go. However, _if_ you go, we ask that you stay on the down low. You are still on the run, now, and if you are caught they will make an actual case against you for escaping, and that would be nasty. You can also stay with me and Dean and a few other people. You’d be safe, and we wouldn’t ask you to help us with rescuing anyone, just do some stuff around the camp and keep people entertained, whatever you’d like, basically.”

 

Two of the prisoners huffed and made to leave already.

 

“Oh, also,” Sam went on to say. “We do strongly encourage you to stay for food, at least. Please join us for a… hearty meal in the middle of the night to get up your strength. And then you can leave.”

 

The four of them sat down, and Castiel found that he actually looked forward to the meal. He was hungry, and knew that he would be glad to have at least eaten before he made his decision. Obviously, two of the ex-prisoners really wanted to leave. The other didn’t seem to have made up his mind just yet, and Castiel was undecided for one of the first times in his life. He absolutely didn’t know. He did know that he couldn’t stay where he was, and he couldn’t go back to prison now that he was free. The monks in Maerthyr didn’t want him back, and he also couldn’t just start rolling into Samandriel’s life again and start taking over the movement as the leader he once was for it. Castiel supposed that he could join Dean and Sam for a while and just see how that would pan out… He really needed more time to think. He sighed, and sat down next to the ex-prisoner that wasn’t so outspoken over leaving or staying. Castiel didn’t feel much like socialising, so he was content to just sit in silence until food was brought before him.

 

Dean actually sat down next to Castiel, and Castiel was surprised. Apparently the two brothers knew what everyone was in for, and Castiel couldn’t understand why someone affiliated with a paedophile should be freed. He just didn’t get it, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. Just not while he was eating. Dean had made a simple stew, but it was delicious, and it was warm, and it had been way too long since Castiel last had something like stew, which of course wasn’t served in prison – they would mainly get bread and water, and for the evening meals something with actual vegetables in it. They didn’t often get meat at all.

 

“So, Cas, do you mind if I call you Cas?” Dean asked. “I mean, Castiel is kind of a mouthful and I would like to avoid that. Also, it’s way too formal.”

 

“I prefer Castiel,” Castiel replied stiffly. Before someone had provided him with answers, he would not be joining Dean and Sam, so he wouldn’t stand for nicknames, especially if they were never going to see each other again. Nicknames were for people who were actually close. On top of that, Castiel was a religious name, and he didn’t want to lose touch with his faith. It was the exact same reason why Samandriel and Balthazar had never gotten a nickname in the monastery, even though they had been close to Castiel, close enough to guarantee nicknames, normally.

 

“Okay, Castiel,” Dean said, his voice blank like he didn’t even care but still respecting Castiel’s choice. “Did you think about our offer yet?”

 

“I did think about it,” Castiel replied. “I just don’t know yet. I mean… it’s a lot to take in. I don’t even know why you got _me_ out, and not someone else instead. You must know who I am affiliated with, why I am in prison, so why did you decide to let me out? I think that’s a question that should be answered first. I need to know where I stand, and where you stand on that idea.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I definitely know who you went to prison for. I don’t think anyone who has heard your name _doesn’t_ know about you. I mean, you are kind of famous now, even though someone else is running your movement now – and they are doing it rather successfully, not to talk you down of course.”  


“I knew I left the movement in capable hands, Dean, I picked my ‘next in line’ carefully.” Castiel knew he sounded stuck up but he didn’t care. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

 

“Yeah, but I was getting there, dude. I mean, _everyone_ knew about your case. And when the laws were repealed, you know, a lot of people stood up of you, and wanted you out of prison. Priests, and monks, and actual secular people… but the court hearing on that is still going on. I figured that you deserved a break, and I asked Sam to look into it. Sam is the one with all the law skills, I just have breaking and entering skills. And I know how to avoid guards, and you know, the whole shebang.” Castiel was almost spellbound. It was interesting to see this point of view, and it was good to hear that people actually took a stand in his favour.

 

Dean took a few more bites of his food, and then continued. “So Sam looked into it. He had been working in your prison for quite a while now, because we had planned more of these ‘breakouts’, and all of them were successful, by the way. So, Sam started to talk to you, and you apparently enjoyed the conversations. I didn’t know that he introduced me as well, but that’s beside the point. He didn’t manage to find a lot of information, but through what you told him and what he could find on the case, he decided that you were, in fact, innocent. So, when we met up again for our monthly discussion on who we were going to bust out next, Sam brought you up as a potential. You were a high-profile prisoner, though, so it was all a bit more intricate than a normal break-in would be. We decided to break out three others, so that it would be more of a normal breakout, instead of just ‘abducting’ you. It was just dumb luck that Adam was chosen as Sam’s replacement, and we decided to use that. Adam is not the brightest of people, and that worked in our favour, seeing that you’re here now.”

 

Castiel sat in stunned silence, and didn’t even notice the other conversations going on. He could only focus on Dean. Dean, who had just told him that _he_ was the focus of the group, not the other three.

 

“B..but… I’m not even special!”

 

Dean huffed. “Of course you’re not special, but I just told you that both Sam and I took an interest in you. A special interest in you, so that makes you _special to us_. Look, we’ve done this before, and it was basically just lucky that you were in here. If you had been in any other prison, we would not have been able to get you out as easily. You have only served three years of your sentence, so you should be really goddamn glad that we got you out.”

 

Castiel took a deep breath. “I’m really not that special, Dean. You shouldn’t have freed me, I don’t _deserve_ to be here and most of all I don’t deserve to be–”

 

Dean put his hand over Castiel’s mouth to shut him up. “Stop it. You don’t think you deserve to be saved? Fine by me. But please don’t annoy me with it. I don’t want to hear it. I just went through all this fucking trouble. Keep your complaints to yourself, sir.” Dean’s voice softened. “Look, Castiel, what you think is your own business. But please, _please_ , don’t do this. I’d like it if you would at least accept that you deserve to be in the fresh air again. You can remain imprisoned in your head, and that is fine. Think about it, at least.”

 

Castiel nodded. He felt like Dean sort of understood him, especially after making the distinction of emotional and physical imprisonment, but this was all sprung on him, and Castiel wasn’t known for his amazing improvisation skills or his quick thinking. He was better of making long term plans and planning in general.

Dinner went over quite well, and after, two of the prisoners left immediately. Sam quietly said goodbye to the both of them and pointed them in the right direction for the main road. The other prisoner was also staying, and Dean and Sam sat down near them to light a fire and keep the warmth up.

 

“So, we want to leave tomorrow. Have you reached your decision yet, Castiel, Victor?” Dean kept a high interest in them, and of course he wanted them to talk though their decisions.

 

“I don’t know yet,” Victor said. “I’m leaning towards leaving, but I just have to know where I am and where my family is at. They’d want to take me in, and they have enough money to help me disappear for a while.”

 

“And you, Castiel?” Sam asked, his voice kind. Apparently the friendship they forged in prison would still be working outside of it.

 

Castiel was quiet for a moment. He _wanted_ to reach a decision, but he really didn’t know what to do. “On the one hand, I want to go home. They’d… probably help me. But I don’t know what they will do, so it’s dangerous. Everyone knows what happened, and when I left, they weren’t accepting at all. On the other hand, I don’t know if travelling with you guys is safe, and I also don’t know if I can stand travelling for a long time. Just now, the trip on horseback from prison to here was taxing on me.”

 

“You’ll get over that, Castiel,” Dean reassured. “You’ll just get more muscle in your thighs from riding more, I guess. And we would be able to stop more often if you needed us to, really.”

 

“Yes, but… what would I do? I’m a monk, I’m not good for anything except religious worship and reading a lot.”

 

“Don’t underestimate that, Castiel,” Sam said. “Our camp is growing, and there are a lot of small children. You could help educate them, even if you never taught before. You could help _me_ educate them. The community would love it. You could help the community by being there as their go-to person for matters of faith. There are so many questions about religion that I can’t answer with just what I’ve read… I think you would be useful, and I think you would like it because you can _feel_ useful.”

 

Castiel thought about it. “I don’t think I can just decide like that. I mean, there is so much in favour of staying with you, but it’s also different from what I am used to, and _different_ so far has not been good at all, so I don’t know what to think, really.”

 

“Well, let’s all sleep on our decisions, then,” Dean said. “We have two smaller tents, so Castiel and Victor, you could both take one. Sam and me will be sleeping in the bigger one, so any issues during the night, come to us. I’ll leave the fire burning for now, but we’ll be up in a few hours when the sun rises again, so don’t take too long falling asleep and being distracted by the light of the fire.”

 

Both Castiel and Victor nodded, and they quickly left to their respective tents. Castiel was tired of being woken up, so he fell asleep within seconds, too tired to even think about his strange surroundings and the decision hanging over his head. It would all just have to wait until the next morning now. There was no time to think about it, and subconsciously, Castiel had already made his decision when he first met Dean through the window with the awkward sign writing. He would never want to leave the two brothers again, in fact. His dreams were filled with adventure and exciting new things, but when he woke up, he wouldn’t remember any of them.

 

 


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another one because it took me a week. Hopefully, I'll be able to do two or three chapters next week. We'll see.

#  [[Chapter 5]]

“Your wish for virtual perfection seems inane

But try and you will evolve

Your paragon possessed your inner self to no avail

No more waiting, no debating”

~ _Edge of the Blade_ \- Epica

 

The following morning, Dean woke up early again. The sun wasn’t up yet, and he definitely hadn’t gotten in his four hours of sleep, but he would have to get over that fact. More important was that they were going to hear if Castiel and Victor were going to stay with them. Dean didn’t hold out much hope for Victor, but Castiel sounded like he didn’t know where else to go, and that would have to count for something at least. Dean didn’t want to push Castiel into accepting, but at the same time he would love to have a priest (or a monk, whatever – someone religious) to talk to sometimes. Especially with what they did, religious people tended to have different views of the matters, and those would help Dean and Sam in their considerations. Also, Sam seemed to like Castiel, and Dean didn’t want Sam to lose another friend because of him.

 

Dean stretched and quietly got up to avoid waking Sam before his time. When he got out of the tent, he quickly went about his morning business, and then went over to Impala, his beautiful black mare.

 

“Hey girl,” he whispered. “How are you doing? Did you like carrying Castiel yesterday? He really didn’t know how to ride, did he?” Impala nickered and pushed her head into Dean’s shoulder. Dean smiled. Impala was one of the few luxuries he could afford, but she was the best companion he could wish for, apart from Sam. He stroked her shoulder, and just let himself relax for a while.

 

Meanwhile, Castiel was also slowly waking up. Being on an uncomfortable bed had brought back memories of the monastery, and it seemed his body had not yet forgotten to get up at an early hour for the morning prayers. He saw that the sun wasn’t yet up, but he estimated that it would be up soon, anyway, so he got up and quietly got dressed. He sighed when he saw the clothes weren’t clean any more, and they didn’t smell very good, either, but they would have to do since he didn’t have anything else. He squared his shoulders and stepped outside of his tent. He quickly went about his normal morning business (minus shower, of course), and then went to sit over in quiet contemplation. Now that he was out of prison, would he still have to say his daily prayers? He didn’t feel absolved in the least, but he did feel that he had partially forgiven himself, and that his perspectives had shifted slightly in prison. Castiel took a deep breath, and then lost himself in prayer.

 

An hour or so later the rest of the camp seemed to wake up, and it started Castiel from his prayers and the meditative state they seemed to get him in. Victor and Sam were loud, and Dean seemed to appear from somewhere too. Castiel slowly got up and brushed the soil from his pants. He had managed to lose track of time _and_ place while he was busy, but now, everything returned. He needed to make a decision soon, and he still didn’t know. He had toyed with the idea of going to Bobby’s parish in Wyntherby, but he really didn’t know if Bobby would appreciate housing someone on the run from the law. He also didn’t want to bother the man, as he had been very kind to them before. Castiel didn’t want to be a nuisance, and coming by unannounced would definitely be classified as being a nuisance. Castiel sighed once more, and went over to where the other three were gathered already and were trying to get a fire started. Sam looked up as he heard Castiel approached, and smiled.

 

“Good morning, Castiel,” he said warmly. “Have breakfast with us.”

 

Castiel sat down again next to Dean, and was glad that Sam didn’t mention the impending decision. Victor did, however.

 

“So, I think that after breakfast I’ll leave,” he said conversationally. “I mean, I’m more than ninety percent sure that my family will take me in, and otherwise I’ll just be on the run. I might run into you guys again or something, but I’d rather not stay with you yet while I think I can have a future somewhere else.”

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I get that. I think I’d do that too if I could still escape this life.”

 

Castiel mulled over Victor’s choice of words. _While he thinks he can have a future somewhere else_. Was that keeping Castiel from making a decision? He was very unsure about being able to building a future for himself anywhere, so that might also go for building a future with Bobby, or with Sam and Dean. It was just that he didn’t think he _deserved_ that future. He wasn’t worth it.

Dean cleared his throat and looked at Castiel. “So have you yet decided?” he asked despite the angry look Sam sent him.

 

“I… I thought about it, but… I don’t know. Yet.” Castiel looked down to his folded hands in his lap, and felt his cheeks colour. They really did expect him to have a decision soon, and he didn’t know what to do. He was the indecisive person who was going to hold them back, and he just didn’t know if he could do that.

 

“Dean, leave him alone for a moment. He has had his whole world turned upside down last night. You can’t just expect him to make a split decision on this,” Sam said, his tone scolding.

 

Dean held his hands up in a mocking gesture of surrender. “Okay, okay.” He muttered something after, and Sam actually hit him for that. Castiel was sure he didn’t want to hear it.

 

Uncomfortable silence followed while Dean cooked and Sam provided them all with tea. Castiel felt awful for ruining the whole conversation, especially when Sam plopped down next to him.

“Don’t mind Dean, okay?” Sam whispered. “He’s being an asshole. He hasn’t slept properly the last few days, and he really wants to get going so that he might get some sleep tonight. He’s not that bad normally.” Sam accepted a bowl of stew from Dean, and Castiel did the same when Dean handed it to him. “But Castiel, do you need us to help you with your decision?”

 

The offer was very tempting, and Castiel knew he needed Sam’s input on this. He trusted Sam implicitly, and even though he disliked Dean, he also trusted him at the same time. He knew they wanted what was best for _him_ , not for them, and that was also why they rescued him from prison. Still, it was hard to wrap his head around that, and he wasn’t even taking into account that his life would be irrevocably changed after this anyway. “I’d like that, I think,” Castiel admitted then. “I just… Can we not involve Dean in this?”

 

“Of course, Castiel,” Sam nodded. “That’s no problem. I think he doesn’t actually want to be involved anyway, so that only makes it a whole lot easier. So, what are your thoughts?”

 

“I keep thinking that I could go to one of the first parishes I helped in the movement,” Castiel said. “I think Bobby would welcome me with open arms, and wouldn’t object. But then again, I would be a problem for him, because I should still be in prison. So I would be a nuisance, and I don’t want to be a nuisance for him. I might go look for Samandriel, who has taken over the movement, but that would mean going back to the monastery I am from, and that’s… actually not an option at all. I’d be back in prison before I knew it.”

 

Sam flinched. “That doesn’t really sound preferable. I know you are still doubting if you want to join us then, but can you tell me why?”

 

“Mostly the travelling… not knowing what I’ll be doing or where I’m going…”

 

“So the insecurity of it?” Sam summarised.

 

“Yes, basically.” Castiel looked downwards again. “I just… my life has been stable for a very long time and it doesn’t feel right not knowing where I’ll be going, or what my future is going to be like.”

 

Sam looked at Castiel. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft and soothing. “When Dean decided that this was going to be his career path, I wasn’t happy either. I think you’ll be able to adapt, just as I did. You should look at it as if you’re going to be taking your home on a journey. That will make it a bit easier.” Sam looked thoughtful for a second, and then added: “Maybe it did help that Dean and I didn’t really have a home any more. You know, if family and friends basically are your home, it’s easier to travel knowing that your home is always close to you.”

 

Castiel thought about that for a second and then nodded. “I think I would like to think of you as my friends and family. My parents died quite some years back, and I don’t have any other family that I know of.” Suddenly he felt more confident that this would be a good thing. “I might try it, though.”

 

“Hmm?” Dean said, poking his face in the conversation as well. “What are you guys talking about? Victor has left already, by the way. He was anxious to get on the road, so I let him go.”

 

“Castiel is trying to decide if he wants to leave or wants to stay,” Sam said. “Also, good for Victor. I don’t know if I’d have wanted him in our camp. I’m unsure if he would have fit in very well.”

 

“Will you tell me a bit more about the camp, after?” Castiel asked suddenly. He definitely needed more information, but for now he was fine with getting only the bare facts and basing his decision on that.

 

“Sure,” Dean said before Sam could get in a word edgewise. “We are basically one big family. I think there’s about fifty people in our camp now? It’s mainly the wives and children who stay in the camp permanently, and some of the men who are doing the teaching and researching. Most of the men would be involved with the actual liberations. There’s a special tent for school, and one for people doing research. We try to stay in the same place for a longer time, which is also why we don’t tell you guys who exactly we are and where we are based, for obvious reasons. We can’t have anyone selling us out.”

 

“So if I decide to join you, what would you suggest I do in your organisation?” Castiel carefully avoided asking about the brothers’ last names or where they were staying. He had already made his decision by now – he really wanted to stay with them – but he wondered how much they would tell him of their own volition.

 

“Like I said last night, you could definitely be a teacher alongside Sammy here,” Dean continued talking like Sam wasn’t even there anymore, and it was clear that Dean was the older brother. Sam shot long-suffering looks over at Dean, but Dean ignored them. “I think it would be good if you joined him, actually. Might make the whole school idea a bit more diverse, instead of just talking about laws.” Dean chuckled. “And you said you were religious. I mean, we don’t have any priests in our midst, but quite a few of our members are still religious. They have questions, and they would love them to be answered. It’s like… we can’t answer every question, even though Sam and mine combined knowledge is quite extensive. We don’t know that much about religion. And you do.”

 

“And if you wanted to,” Sam butted in, “you could always just do some research alongside. You have inside knowledge now, and even though you don’t know a lot, you can help us predict how prisoners will feel. Your judgement will also be different because of your faith, and you’ll be able to help us determine who is worth all the trouble to get saved and who isn’t. I truly think that you will have enough opportunities with us, and you will probably feel at home really soon, too. Especially if Dean just leaves you be for the first few days.”

 

Dean threw Sam a dirty look. “Except if you want me to help you settle in or get about or anything. Even if you wanted to learn how to ride on horseback for a prolonged period of time, you know. I don’t think I’d mind helping you with that.”

 

“And we forgot the most important role!” Sam said.

 

“What? Be your best friend?” Dean mocked.

 

Castiel laughed out loud now. “I don’t know, Dean. Maybe I don’t want to lose Sam as a friend, have you thought about that? And also if the camp contains about 50 people and a few additional tents, I might be able to find my own way about.”

 

Dean broke out into a smile as well, and Sam looked relieved. Of course Sam had expected that Castiel would stay with them but Dean had still had his doubts.

 

“So you will join us, even though the way to the camp is still a day’s ride away? That means a day on horseback, mind you.” Dean sounded like he was teasing, but Castiel took it seriously anyway.

 

“I think that would be my main objection there. But I’ll go with you, at least for now. I might change my opinion once we arrive, you know.”

 

Sam and Dean laughed at that.

 

“Well,” Dean said. “Your first task as a part of our organisation is to help us to take down the tents and saddle the horses. We’ll help you. It will be done soon, and then we’ll be off to the next location.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 6

#  [[Chapter 6]]

“We embrace judgment day

We embrace new inventions

Find your grace in defeat

We embrace new intentions

Forced on us by decree”

~ _Universal Death Squad_ – Epica

 

They rode for a day and Castiel was even more than sore by the time they reached their destination. This was the second day of riding so much, and his body wasn’t used to it at all. When they finally saw a camp, Castiel couldn’t do anything but let out a sigh in relief. He heard Dean chuckle to his left, and went to turn in the saddle. Dean stopped him, though.

 

“Don’t turn. You’ll only hurt more if you fall off.”

 

“Yeah, Dean. How come Castiel is allowed to ride Impala, and I’m not even allowed to touch her?” Sam asked.

 

“Because Castiel doesn’t have any experience with horses, and I can guide Impala easier because she trusts me?” Dean answered, his sentence ending in a question mark as if wondering why Sam was even asking.

 

“What is so special about Impala, then?” Castiel asked, intrigued.

 

“Impala is Dean’s horse,” Sam said. “He’s very possessive of her, and no one is allowed to touch her or come within like fifty metres of her. He’ll actually chase you off if you try to feed her.”

 

“Don’t mock me for this, Sam,” Dean grumbled. “She’s dear to me, that’s all.”

 

“I’m also dear to you, Dean, and everyone can touch me.”

 

Dean stared at Sam at that, and Castiel laughed.

 

“God,” Dean said, teeth gritted. “I can’t say anything here, can I?”

 

Castiel just listened to the bantering between the two brothers. He was just quietly observing and wondering how the two could be so comfortable with each other and themselves. To him, it seemed weird that they were so very trusting between themselves. It stopped his thoughts for a second, and then realisation dawned on Castiel. He was wary of trusting people since Balthazar. It was him. Dean and Sam had a completely normal relationship for two brothers who had been together for such a long time. They _had_ to trust each other, and otherwise their whole organisation wouldn’t be getting anywhere. Castiel knew he had some obvious issues, but he didn’t think that issues with trust would be a part of that. He thought it would all be low-key issues he would slowly get himself over, like the fact that he had trouble connecting to people and that he loved to be on his own.

 

“Castiel?”

 

“Hmm?” Castiel looked up and saw Sam and Dean stare at him with equal curiosity in their eyes.

 

“Are you okay, man?” Dean asked. “We have basically been talking to you about the camp, and you didn’t really seem… present.”

 

“I was just… thinking,” Castiel finished lamely. It had been true, but _just thinking_ would not warrant drifting away like that.

 

Dean scoffed, but Castiel was quicker. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I know I have got some issues I need to work out, and I was thinking about that, and how it might influence our interactions.”

 

“Well, whatever you want to do, Castiel,” Sam said.

 

“Try not to get them tangled up in our jobs, though. We can’t have you zoning out like that if we get you in front of a classroom or if you’re going on liberation missions.”

 

Castiel looked at Dean with a cold look in his eyes. “I don’t think that will be a concern of yours. I will not be going on any liberation missions, and I don’t think I want to start teaching right away.”

 

Dean looked away and shrugged. He looked a little hurt, though, but Castiel didn’t understand that. Dean hadn’t been very kind to him, so he didn’t see why he had to act as if everything was just fine towards him. Castiel wasn’t _fine_ , not in the least, so he deserved to express that.

 

Sam smoothed it over quickly, though, by pointing out that they were very close to the camp now. “I think it’s best we dismount now. We don’t want to startle anyone, and full on riding into the camp is the best way to get anyone to leap into the worst case scenario.”

 

Both Sam and Dean slid fluidly from the saddle, but Castiel remained seated.

 

“Uh… Can someone help me down?” he asked when they apparently didn’t register that he wasn’t down yet.

 

“Oh, sorry,” Dean said, suddenly kind again. “I’m sorry, I’m not used to people who don’t know yet how to ride. You just slide your foot out of the stirrup, and then you swing that leg over the horse’s back, and then you get your other foot out of the stirrup, and then you can just slide down.”

 

What Castiel did was more like fall to the ground, but all in all he thought it was pretty good for the first time. Dean didn’t even laugh at him this time around, just grasped Impala’s reins and led her and his own horse back to the camp. Castiel walked next to Sam but they didn’t feel like they needed to talk at all. The silence was comfortable, and Castiel thought he might even be too nervous to talk too much now. He didn’t know what to expect, if people were going to be friendly or not, and it made him feel apprehensive about the whole situation.

 

“Don’t worry,” Sam suddenly said. “Dean will threaten them all into liking you if they don’t immediately fall onto their knees demonstrating their love for you.”

 

“I will do no such thing,” Dean grumbled from their other side. “I’m sure they will like you, though. Some of the people are very particular, but all of them are fair and will judge you based on how you act and your character instead of on whatever they might have heard about you.”

 

“That’s something Dean beat into them,” Sam stage-whispered and laughed when Dean grumbled even more now.

 

“So Dean is basically the leader?” Castiel asked. He had not yet gotten the information, and hierarchical structure seemed like a useful thing to know _before_ getting into the camp.

 

“Basically, yeah,” Dean answered. “Officially, Rufus is still the boss, but unofficially, he has been doing less and less work, and he’s talking about retiring and all that. He’s a good man, but his age is catching up on him. It’s all taking its toll, and he’s getting to be a grumpy bastard now without killing people over it or accidentally cussing everyone out. I think retirement will be good for him. Then he doesn’t have to keep himself from insulting everyone.”

 

Sam snorted. “As if he does that now. No, but it’s true. Rufus is the actual boss still, so we’ll introduce you to him first, and he will have to officially approve you.” Sam saw Castiel flinch. “It’s not like that. It’s all official bureaucratic stuff, which is stupid because we don’t actually follow any rules at all. You have already been accepted, and it’s all just a formality now.”

 

Castiel relaxed a bit more, but then he was actually led into the camp by Sam, as Dean was looking after the horses. Sam stopped for a second to shout to Dean that he should join them soon, but then they walked on. The camp wasn’t big, but it had a reasonable size for the amount of people in it. The tents were placed in a large circle, with some other tents just outside of the circle. It looked like it could become Castiel’s home if he was absolutely honest. There was a large group of people gathered near the campfire, and they were all looking at Sam and him with big eyes and open mouths. The people, mostly women and children as Dean had said, were whispering between themselves.

 

Castiel couldn’t relax any more. Were they talking about him? And why? He knew he was a newcomer, but what that enough to warrant gossip already? Did they already know who he was?

Castiel was still worrying when they entered a large tent on the left. Inside, it was calm and quiet, and there was only one man within it. He was dark-skinned and looked like he had been through quite a lot already in his life. The man looked at him as if he was debating what would be the best way to kill Castiel, and it honestly frightened him.

 

“Where is Dean, Samuel?” the man suddenly asked. The man’s voice was deeper than Castiel had expected.

 

Sam jumped and quickly answered. “Dean is taking care of the horses we brought back with us. He’ll be here soon, I think.”

 

“Well boy, you better go fetch him. I’d like to talk to the new recruit on my own, please.”

 

“Yes, sir!” Sam scrambled to get out of the tent as quickly as possible, and he left Castiel alone and without defences. And without a name to put to the face.

 

“What’s your name?” the man asked after a few seconds of silence. The way he commanded the room was frankly frightening.

 

“My name is Castiel, sir,” Castiel answered quietly. He didn’t even dare to speak up.

 

“Ah, you are the famous Castiel. I’m Rufus. And you don’t have to be afraid of me. I don’t do anything, and I just want to know more about you. Did Sam and Dean tell you why you were freed?”

 

“Yes, kind of.” Castiel thought about it for a second. “I mean, I think they told me everything, but I’m not sure if I believe that I’m worth it.”

 

“You’ll learn that you are worth it while you are here. I’m glad you decided to join us, Castiel,” Rufus said, his voice warmer. “I hope you’ll find your home with us, and decide to stay with us until you are taken from us by the Almighty.”

 

“I think I’d like that too, sir.”

 

“Good. Did the two boys also tell you about what you could do for us?”

 

“Yes, they mentioned teaching, acting as a priest, and joining the movement.”

 

Rufus nodded approvingly. “Yeah, those boys can do something when they want it. Have you made your decision yet?”  


“No, sir,” Castiel replied. “I’m… I don’t feel comfortable with any of them. I’d like to settle first before making a decision. I do think that I can handle some people coming by to ask me any questions of faith or issues they have for a few days a week.”

 

“So you’d like to help people with matters of belief right away?”  


“Maybe not right away, but tomorrow would be doable.”

 

“Good, good. We’ll talk about the other roles in a week or so. I think that was basically it, Castiel.”

 

Rufus’s approval burnt brightly through Castiel’s veins, and he realised how long it had been since he had last felt genuinely welcome somewhere. Somehow, this large and imposing man had managed to do that in just under five minutes.

 

“May I ask one other question, though, sir?” Castiel asked. There was one thing on his mind that hadn’t been settled yet. “Or actually, two.”

 

“Feel free to, boy.”

 

“Do the people here know who I am? Or… do they just…”

 

“Are you worried about gossip?” Rufus asked. “You really shouldn’t be. No one knows who you are and what you’ve done. And if they know, they’ll keep it to themselves. We don’t blabber about each other’s pasts here.”

 

Castiel heaved a sigh in relief. “That’s good to know,” he said. “I’m… I’m still trying to come to terms with it and I really don’t want other people in on that process. I feel like that won’t work out altogether that well for me.”

 

“You got some issues? Welcome to the club. Everyone here has issues, so really, if you take your time to work through them, I applaud your efforts, and I won’t judge if you have your difficulties in it.”

 

“Thank you, sir,” Castiel said. He felt genuinely thankful for getting a blank slate here and not having to come out for his past sins.

 

“Now, what was your second question?”  


“Oh,” Castiel said. He had kind of forgotten about his second question in the light of Rufus’s revelation just before. “Oh, yes. Where will I be staying?”

 

“You are practical. I like it. Dean will be going with you to find you a permanent tent. You’ll get your own, since you don’t have a wife or a husband, and no children as far as we know. That will all be settled as soon as those stupid eggheads finally show up and give me the rundown of what has happened. You can stay in for that if you want, or you could go explore and find the mess hall tent, and get your scrawny ass something to eat. I don’t think Sam and Dean have stopped on their way to actually give you something to eat, right?”

 

“They… didn’t, no. Uh… we did eat some bread and drank some water while we were riding, though.”

 

Rufus shook his head. “One day…” He sighed. “Okay, you are dismissed. Please go find some food and maybe mingle if you feel up to it. You can pick a new name if you want, or you could stick with your previous name. Dean will come find you once he’s done here.”

 

“I’d like to keep my name, sir, just so that you know,” Castiel said.

 

“Okay, good. Well, I’ll see you around, Castiel.”

 

Castiel took it for the clear dismissal it was, and got out of the tent. He saw Dean and Sam approach, and they stopped just before him.

 

“Hey, how’d it go?” Dean asked.

 

“I think it went okay. I mean, Rufus didn’t kill me, right?”

 

Dean laughed. “Yeah, I can see that. You going to get food now?”

 

Castiel nodded, and Dean and Sam told him to sit down and enjoy the meal before waving and entering the tent, and then Castiel was on his own again. He decided to go look for that meal and just see where he would end up.

 

Half an hour later Dean found Castiel talking to Charlie, one of the few women in the camp who didn’t agree with having to stay in the camp.

 

“Hey Charlie, Castiel,” Dean greeted, and then sat down next to them with his own bowl of food. “How are you all?”

 

“Annoyed, mainly,” Charlie answered. Castiel frowned at her, and she winked back.

 

Dean laughed. “Yes, I’m back, and no, you are still not allowed to leave. Maybe next year, though. I think Castiel will be able to put in a good word for you once he has seen you. He’s already best buds with Rufus, so that would probably work very well.”

 

“Ahhh,” Charlie whined. “It’s just not fair to judge people for their gender, you know. I’m still better at sneaking than you are, and nothing you say will change that.”

 

They bantered for a few minutes, and when Dean had finished his food, he turned to Castiel. “So, you ready to be introduced to your tent?”

 

Castiel nodded. “Yes, I’m very sore, and I would like to just relax for a few minutes.”

 

“You didn’t think I was very relaxing?” Charlie said, mocking hurt and annoyance. Castiel nodded seriously.

 

“You were very stress-inducing, indeed.”

 

Charlie laughed at that. “Can I follow you, or do you need some time on your own now, Castiel?”

 

“I’d prefer to be on my own, if you don’t mind.” Castiel was mindful of Charlie’s opinions and ideas, but she was very bright and bubbly, and to be honest, it tired him. “Or you know, I’d prefer to get Dean to show me where to go and then maybe come back later to join you at whatever you do at night at the campfires.” Castiel got up and Dean quickly followed him.

 

Charlie laughed and waved. “I’ll see you later, Castiel. Nice talking to you!”

 

“That’s mutual, Charlie. See you!”

 

Dean also waved to Charlie, and then he led Castiel to one of the quieter corners of the camp.

“I set up a tent for you in a quieter part of the camp. I know you enjoy books and reading, and I guessed that you would like to have some peace for your prayers, so this is probably the best side.”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said. “That’s very considerate, and you are right. I need to focus on the prayers, and the quiet will definitely help with that.”

 

“It’s not a problem,” Dean said, looking at his feet. “If you need anything, I will be near the campfire. My tent is two tents down from yours. Feel free to come in after knocking.”

 

Castiel smiled. “Thank you. I can’t guarantee that I will actually be okay with just barging in, but thanks again. It means a lot to me.”

 

Dean lifted his head to look at Castiel and smiled back. “Still, no problem.” He then seemed to remember something. “Oh, and don’t feel awkward or embarrassed if you fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, okay? We won’t judge if you aren’t at the campfires tonight. You’ve had so much happen, and I can imagine that you’re dead on your feet right now. And tomorrow there will be a new day, and whenever you feel like it, you can go get food. The cooks are up at the crack of dawn so there’s food as soon as the sun starts to rise, basically.”

 

Castiel looked at Dean, and swallowed. This man had done way too much for him already, and he had this vague sense that it wouldn’t end here. “Thanks again.” It felt awkward to leave on that note, so Castiel felt the need to explicitly express that he was ending the conversation. “I… I’ll go pray now, so…”

 

Dean seemed to get the hint, and quickly straightened up. “Oh, er, yeah, of course. I’ll see you later. Bye, Castiel.”

 

“Goodbye, Dean.”

 

Castiel looked at Dean’s retreating back and replayed the conversation. Did he do anything to get Dean to feel awkward at all? He just didn’t understand why Dean turned into such a mess. He seemed very put together earlier.

 

Castiel exhaled and pushed all those thoughts from his mind before entering his tent. It wasn’t large, but it would do. At least the bed looked a bit more comfortable, and there was an actual pillow. Castiel already knew that he would sleep a whole lot better tonight than he did the night before. But first, he would pray and thank God for his good fortune.

 

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm away for the weekend so have some more chapters.  
> Also, here it is. The start of the E-rating.

#  [[Chapter 7]]

“Walls are built to keep us safe

Until they’re crashing down

Worlds apart we were the same

Until you hit the ground”

~ _Angel_ – Theory of a Deadman

 

The next morning, Castiel woke up feeling well-rested, and a little more positive about his stay in the camp. He got up, stretched and got dressed in the fresh clothes Dean had left him the day before, and then decided to stay in the tent for some quiet contemplation before going out into the camp to get breakfast.

 

After half an hour, Castiel began to feel hungry, and he decided that enough was enough. Food was a priority now, and he had the rest of the day to contemplate his goals in life and his wrongdoings. He got up again, and stepped outside of his tent. The sun was up now, and the rays of light warmed Castiel’s face. The whole camp looked a lot brighter in the sunlight. He smiled to himself and told himself to enjoy that day, at least.

 

He saw Charlie’s bright red hair before he recognised anyone else, so after getting his food he went over to where she was seated and slit down on the bench next to her.

 

“Good morning, Charlie,” he greeted with a slight smile on his face.

 

“Hi, Castiel,” Charlie replied, looking up from her meal. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“I did, actually. I didn’t know what to expect, but a good night’s sleep apparently wasn’t it.”

 

Charlie chuckled. “I get that. The first night I was here, I slept terribly. I just expected that it would turn out to be a dream after I woke up, I guess.” She shrugged. “You learn to live with it. One day, you wake up and you are actually relaxed, and you’re not afraid of everything being fake.”

 

“I’m looking forward to that day.” Castiel knew that it wasn’t prison, but he still wasn’t fully convinced that it was all real. It just hadn’t settled in yet. He started on his breakfast and they enjoyed their food in silence for a few minutes. Castiel was almost done and wanted to go back to his tent to relax afterwards. He was silently looking forward to that. He really needed to settle in, even though he had told Rufus that he would be fine and would be able to answer some questions people had. He really didn’t feel like he was ready to talk to other people besides Charlie.

 

Castiel got up after saying goodbye to Charlie, and was promptly walked into by a very frazzled looking Dean. Dean managed to steady Castiel before he fell, but it seemed to take him a few seconds before he recognised Castiel. When he did, though, he immediately started talking.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Castiel,” he said, the apology clearly a heartfelt one. “I was just looking for you, so eh… if you could come with me for a second? We need to talk about a slight… situation.”

 

Castiel was worried already, and he quickly disposed of his plate before following Dean to Dean’s tent. Dean obviously noted Castiel’s worry, and immediately addressed the issue.

 

“We’re not deserting you, or kicking you out, Castiel.” Dean tried to sound soothing, but he sounded very stressed, and that didn’t actually help Castiel’s worry in the least. “It’s… a housing problem of sorts, actually, and it’s ridiculous.”

 

Castiel looked at Dean with disbelief in his eyes. _That_ statement was supposed to help him stop worrying about whatever Dean was going to announce?

 

Dean noticed Castiel’s look and ducked his head. “I’m sorry. I’m not good at this at all. I just… We just had word that a new family will be arriving today, and they will need to have a quiet tent because the wife is on the verge of actually bringing her second child into the world. And we don’t want them to stress too much, you know. It’s just…”

 

“I am in a tent that would be a perfect fit and I’ve only arrived yesterday.” Castiel nodded. “I get it. I’m being kicked out.”

 

“No, no, no,” Dean said, emphasizing what he was saying by shaking his head. “You are not being kicked out. I told you that already, didn’t I? It’s just… I’m asking you if you want to give up your tent to the new family, and then you can stay in my tent if you want to. If you don’t mind sharing with me, that is. I… I will be on my best behaviour, and I’ll try not to wake you up with my snoring, and it’s just… I’d like the family to be very comfortable, as they are close friends.” Dean saw Castiel’s face, and quickly amended his last statement. “And you will be one of my closest friends, probably, if you’d accept that, and I just… wanted to talk to you before instead of just kicking you out like I could have done.”

 

Castiel didn’t know what to say. It was both cruel and very kind at the same time. Dean wanted him to know beforehand, but Castiel was still being kicked out of his tent, the tent he’d only had for one night. He didn’t have any emotional attachment to the camp or the tent yet, but he really liked the quiet corner and the fact that he was out of the way for most of the other people in the camp. It gave him a sense of privacy. Dean’s tent was close to his, still in the quieter corner of the camp, but it was more in the way than Castiel would have liked. He did understand, though, that he didn’t actually have that much of a choice in the matter. Dean would be reassigning his tent anyway, and that was the cruel part of it all. Even though Dean said that it wasn’t like Castiel was being kicked out, it _felt_ like that. He had felt welcome in his own tent, something that would help him settle in society again after spending years on his own in prison. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to share his tent – he _did_ want to share – he just didn’t feel ready to face other people. Especially people with young children. Who knew what their parents knew. Now he would have to share a tent with the second-in-command, who was probably a very busy man, and Castiel would lose his precious privacy.

 

“I know you probably won’t like it, but the family will be moved towards a new tent as soon as we have acquired one. You were very lucky, Castiel.” Dean looked at Castiel, and Castiel noticed that Dean’s eyes were pleading with him now. “I’m really sorry and I wish it was all different. Please accept, though. My tent is the best offer you could get now, actually. I could have stuck you in with Sam, and that would be a horror because there will be beans on the menu for tonight, and Sam is very… flatulent.”

 

Castiel laughed despite himself. “I’m glad for that then. It’s… unexpected, is all.” He took a deep breath. “I mean, of course I get that you want to move me, but… Ah, you know what. Never mind what I just said. Just ignore it. I wanted to say that I’m religious, and you could have expected me to just give up my tent, anyway. I was just worried about… how I’d be perceived, I guess. And that I might not feel ready to be sociable at all times. However, I’d always give up my tent for them.”

 

Dean smiled for real now. “I hoped for that, Castiel, but I can’t always be a good judge of character, you know.”

 

Castiel smiled back. “So… do I just move to your tent, then? I wanted to go and meditate, but I guess I could do that in your tent as well.”

 

Dean looked flustered. “I… uh, yeah, sure. Why not. I’ll just…” He pointed over his shoulder and then hastily turned and left to his tent. Castiel raised an eyebrow, but let it slide almost immediately. What Dean was up to and why he was being so sketchy was his own business, and Castiel didn’t have anything to do with that.

 

The only problem was that Castiel didn’t have anything with him, but following Dean now would be very awkward, so Castiel went back to the main part of the camp, where Charlie found him quickly.

 

“Hey now,” she said. “What did Dean to deserve that long face?”

 

“I’m going to be sleeping in Dean’s tent for a few nights and I just… wasn’t prepared to give up my newfound privacy, I guess.”

 

“What? Why?” Charlie asked. Her voice was filled with concern on his behalf.

 

“I’m… Well, there is a new family arriving and there isn’t enough space, and since I’m the newest member of the clan, I’m giving up my tent for the family with the baby on the way.” Castiel thought that was a very succinct summary of the whole point, but he thought that there might be something else behind it as well. Dean had acted a little nervous, and there were enough people Castiel could shack up with, probably.

 

“Was that it, though?” Charlie asked, clearly thinking the same as Castiel was. “I mean, was that all you discussed? Seems weird. You could have been paired off with literally anyone else in the camp since you are religious and you have sworn an oath of celibacy.” Castiel nodded. “Yes, so I just don’t get why Dean would get you to sleep in his tent instead of with me, for instance. I mean, there are some other reasons why you could sleep in my tent, but…” Charlie suddenly looked as if she’d said a bit too much and put her hands in front of her mouth, stopping herself from talking.

 

Castiel wanted to let it slide, but the way Charlie acted now made him very curious. “What, Charlie? You can tell me anything. I’m a man of the church, remember? I’m not supposed to gossip at all. And I’m literally not allowed to be judgmental.”

 

“As if that kept you from judging before.” Charlie looked mildly uncomfortable. “It’s just… personal, is all. I’m not sure how you’d react to it, and…” She took a deep breath. “What do you think about people who are interested in… people of their own gender?”

 

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t have an opinion on it, I guess. I mean, my branch of faith obviously doesn’t condone it, but I think that love is love and people should just be left alone over it.” He saw Charlie’s face light up, and knew what this is about. He lowered his voice before he voiced his assumption, though, not wanting to be wrong or accidentally out her out loud to everyone. “You are not heterosexual, are you?”

 

She laughed. “Yeah, I’m kind of gay,” Charlie said. “And by that I mean that I don’t care at all for men in any way except for the great conversation some of them make.”

 

“That’s fair enough,” Castiel replied. “I won’t judge, you know. That’s one of the few things that the church and I don’t share an opinion on. Or well, actually, anything concerning females, I suppose. The church has rather… outdated opinions on anything women do, and I just don’t agree. And love is love, which is the other point.”

 

“So, have I just found another non-heterosexual person?” Charlie asked, her voice giddy with enthusiasm. Castiel had to temper that, though.

 

“I don’t know yet.”

 

Charlie looked shocked for a moment and then nodded in understanding.

“Of course, you are religious and spent most of your life in a monastery. You haven’t had time to actively explore.”

 

“Well, I’ve never actually felt sexual or romantic attraction yet. I’ve met plenty of people, and I thought about it sometimes, but… there wasn’t anything.”

 

“You’re married to God, though, aren’t you?” Charlie asked, now curious.

 

“No, I’m really not, Charlie,” Castiel replied, laughing. “You are confusing me with some nuns. Same sex marriage is a no-go in church, and God is still seen as a male figure… so that doesn’t work out.”

 

Charlie actually laughed, too, but then switched back to her serious face. “So, why are you not doing your relaxing thing in Dean’s tent, now, by the way? I thought you said that you were going to do that.”

 

“Yes… I was.” Castiel felt uncomfortable and probably also looked it.

 

“Oh boy,” Charlie said. “Really, what happened between you? Did he try to kiss you or something?”

 

Castiel blushed furiously, and shook his head. “He just… he just seemed very put out, somehow, when I asked him if I could go and meditate in the tent.”

 

“Oh my God, Dean Winchester has something to hiiiiiideee,” Charlie sing-songed. She was scarily upbeat now. “Please, let’s go and find out. I love getting his secrets out of him.”

 

Castiel felt apprehensive. “I… Charlie, I don’t think that’s such a good idea, really. Maybe it was that he had to clean, or that he just needed some time on his own. How would you feel if someone suddenly invaded your space?”

 

“Oh, I’d be ecstatic.” She looked positively manic now. “No really, something is up with Dean. And I will go and find out what it is.” She saw Castiel’s expression, and then quickly backpedalled. “I mean, I will go find out soon, but not now.”

 

“I’m sorry for being such a killjoy, Charlie,” Castiel said, feeling like he had just trampled her dog or something.

 

“No, no, it’s fine, Castiel,” Charlie said. “You want some peace and quiet, and if I go bother Dean, _you_ will also be disturbed. I’ll ambush him after dinner or something.” She waved him off. “Go do your thing, I have to go talk about new strategies anyway. See you later!”

 

Castiel waved, and then left for Dean’s tent. He already felt like he was intruding, and he wasn’t even actually in the tent yet. He reached the tent, and pushed the flap aside. He had made sure to make a lot of noise in his approach of the tent. He couldn’t knock on the flap of the tent with the same effect as knocking on a door, but he tried the next best thing. He cleared his throat loudly, and then entered the tent. He looked around. Of course the tent was a tent, but it looked more like a home than his own tent did. It was clear that Dean had been travelling for quite some time, and had made the most of the small space that was his. Dean’s tent was larger, and was fancy as far as tents went. He had a rug spread out over the floor, and then Castiel’s gaze slid over to Dean’s bed but then quickly averted his eyes again, and scrambled out of the tent again, making a lot more noise than necessary.

 

Never before had he seen such a… display of male flesh. Dean was _naked_ on that bed, and Castiel was fighting a lost battle trying to keep the blush from his face. He _felt_ himself go red, and scrubbed his face with a hand, and then tried to clean his eyes to get the sight from his retinas. Dean _naked_ on that bed, his member hard and flushed, and _how had Castiel missed the noises Dean was making at all?_ Now that he was outside he could actually hear them, and the embarrassment only rose. This was awkward. Dean had been… masturbating, and Castiel had walked in on that, _and Dean had looked good with his dick in his hand and one hand playing with his nipples_ and Castiel really had to stop thinking about this before he broke his vow of celibacy.

 

Not that he was aroused, he thought, but this was awkward and it was the first time he had even felt something close to arousal at all. And it was just Dean doing – _do not think about it, Castiel_ , he mentally admonished himself. He removed his hands from his face, and saw that he was shaking. Okay, so it wasn’t just embarrassment that he felt. He was also actually shocked about this, and he didn’t know how to deal with this. He couldn’t go to Charlie or Sam over this. They wouldn’t judge him, but they would make fun of Dean for Castiel walking in on him _and not realising that that just had happened, judging by the sounds that were still coming from inside the tent_. Castiel didn’t want Dean to suffer from something he had done (namely walking into the tent kind of unannounced). And Dean… Castiel also couldn’t go tell Dean, right? That would complicate the situation even more. Castiel didn’t know what to do, and he couldn’t turn to anyone right now, so he just sat outside of the tent, meditating until Dean would be done.

Or at least, that’s what he tried to do. Dean proved to be too distracting to actually fall into the relaxed sphere Castiel so desperately tried to reach now. When the sounds finally quietened down, Castiel exhaled slowly and tried to regain control over his breath and the redness in his face. It didn’t seem to abate at all, and Castiel didn’t like it.

A few minutes later, he just decided to walk back a bit and announce his arrival even louder. He couldn’t avoid this forever, and he really wanted the quiet of the tent to finally get into his meditation and prayers.

 

“Hello Dean,” he announced when he entered, and looked straight at Dean. Dean looked flushed, but the colour was slowly draining from his face, and he was scrabbling for a blanket. Castiel wanted to look down and see if he was still hard, but he didn’t think Dean was. Dean was, however, still _very naked_. Or at least, he was bared to the cold air in the tent, and his lower half was now covered by a blanket. “Should I leave? I’ve been waiting to enter the tent for quite some time, now.” Too late, Castiel realised that he shouldn’t have said that. He blushed again and cursed himself. His colour had just gone down, and now it was back up again? This was horribly embarrassing.

 

The colour drained even further from Dean’s face. Castiel opened his mouth to speak but Dean was quicker.

 

“I… you… Were you…” Dean didn’t manage any full sentences, but he managed to convey the general feeling.

 

“I’m… sorry. I should have left.”

 

“You were watching me the whole time?” Dean asked. His embarrassment seemed to have been replaced by anger and disappointment. It was quiet for a moment. Castiel just didn’t know how to approach it.

 

“Did you watch me, Castiel?” Dean demanded when Castiel still didn’t reply.

 

Castiel finally found his voice back. “I… I walked in here and you were evidently _busy_ , and I left immediately but… I couldn’t really go anywhere, and… it’s just… I didn’t _watch_ you, I just… I was outside of the tent except for the few seconds…”

 

Dean softened a little in the face of the embarrassed wreck that was Castiel now. “I apologise, Castiel. It was… uncalled for, really. Especially because I knew you would want to return to the tent, soon.”

 

“No, I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel said. “I should have paid attention, and I shouldn’t have entered and–”

 

“No, Castiel.” Dean sounded firm, even though he still looked embarrassed. “It’s my fault. You and I share this tent, so it should be a safe space for you as well, and I shouldn’t have done that. That’s the end of the discussion.”

 

Castiel nodded meekly and accepted that. He had slowly come closer to Dean during their conversation, and now he was in front of Dean. “I still feel as if…”

 

Dean slapped a hand in front of Castiel’s mouth, and grimaced. “Oh god, don’t say anything. Please. Just… let it go, okay?”

 

Castiel tried to open his mouth, but he couldn’t for Dean’s hand, and when Dean noticed that he was trying to say something, he removed his hand. Castiel licked his lips and tasted something salty on them. He almost went to ask Dean what it was when Dean was already looking at him with a shocked expression on his face, and he was frantically wiping his hand on the blanket in his lap.

 

“Oh _damn_ ,” Dean whispered, his tone conveying clear mortification. “I couldn’t have made it more awkward, could I?”

 

Castiel looked at Dean, the question clear on his face. Dean’s face reddened, and he averted his gaze from Castiel’s lips. “I… my… my…” Dean stuttered, and then finally got up the courage to speak again. “My semen was on that hand and I just… I just smeared it on your lips, and oh _god_ I am _so_ sorry, it seems like everything is going wrong right now and I’m sorry this is so very awkward, and I won’t masturbate again and then this won’t happen again and I won’t embarrass myself by doing these stupid things and feeling stupid because of it as a result and–”

 

“Dean,” Castiel interjected. He needed to take action here because Dean was clearly so flustered that he couldn’t  “This is even more awkward, but I will just go and wash my face, and after I’ve done that, I will step out of the tent and you can get dressed. After you get dressed, you’ll come out, and I’ll go into the tent and meditate and pray. You can always come in when I’m doing that as long as you are quiet around me. That’s no problem.” Castiel swallowed. “And we might have to… think of something, like a schedule or something, to work around your need for sexual gratification.”

 

“Don’t you need that, then?” Dean asked, and then looked away in mortification. The question had clearly just flapped out of his mouth, and he hadn’t even thought about it.

 

“Dean,” Castiel said, his voice conveying the patience he felt was actually fraying now. “I’m a monk. I’ve lived in celibacy since I was about five years old. I don’t have a sexual drive _at all_ , so I think you’ll be safe in that regard.”

 

“But what if you decide you want to explore?” Dean asked, and this time it seemed to be purely a curious question, one borne from genuine interest rather than something that would only benefit him (namely Dean not walking into Castiel as Castiel had just done to him).

 

Castiel smiled. “That will be something we’ll have to address once and if it happens. I don’t think it will, though.” He shrugged at Dean’s raised eyebrow. “Charlie also seemed kind of convinced that I was weird, but I just never felt interested in anyone. She suggested that I was married to God instead, and I think I might stick with that, indeed.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Typical Charlie, yes,” he said. “Go wash you face, Castiel. I want to get dressed. It’s cold.”

 

Castiel walked towards the basin of water in the corner of the room, but couldn’t help to taste a bit more of Dean’s semen while he was wetting one of the towels. It was a distinctively salty but slightly bitter in taste, and Castiel found himself enjoying it. He shouldn’t, but he did. With that thought, he quickly cleaned his face, and then wrung the towel and threw it to Dean.

 

“Here, now you can get clean, too. I’ll wait outside for you, so… whenever you’re ready.” Castiel left the tent, taking great care to close the flap, and sat down on the forest floor to wait for Dean.

 

It didn’t take long for Dean to appear. He looked better and less flustered than he had in the tent, but there was still an embarrassed air around him. Castiel chuckled and got up again.

 

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m feeling more human and less awkward now.”

 

“Okay, good. I’ll go in and have some quiet time now, will you come get me for dinner if I’m not there yet?” Castiel asked.

 

“Of course. If you need me in between, I’ll be in the strategists’ tent, which is to the left of the fire from here. The big one which is just outside of the main circle.”

 

“Okay, thank you, Dean.” Castiel lifted the flap of the tent, and made to step inside. “Oh, Dean,” he called after the man in question. Dean turned around and looked at Castiel as if to ask what he wanted to say.

 

“We’ll talk about that schedule tonight, okay?”

 

“Sure, Castiel. I’ll see you at dinner!” With that, Dean left, and Castiel could finally have his peace, if his mind allowed for it. He would definitely try, at least. He knew Dean would occupy his thoughts for some time, but he rather hoped to feel genuine peace in the few hours he had to himself. He breathed in deeply, and started to slowly clear his mind from everything except the fact that he was welcome in the camp, and the feeling it was accompanied by: the feeling of an actual _home_. In spite of Dean being an asshole (if Castiel was honest), and sometimes being too kind, the camp could become his home, and Castiel wanted to hold on to that feeling very much.


	9. Chapter 8

#  [[Chapter 8]]

“My cyanide in paradise

That someone’s always you”

~ _Falling like the Fahrenheit_ \- Kamelot

 

After the whole debacle with Dean it was awkward between Dean and Castiel for a while, but as Castiel settled down more in the rhythm of the camp, and Castiel actually began contributing to the camp society, it became less obvious. It took them a while to get over it, and the peace they had made was still fragile, but it was there nonetheless. They still had their awkward moments – Dean seemed to wake up with a hard-on every morning, which still confused Castiel – but they worked around it. There was also the matter of getting dressed and undressing. Castiel had no shame in that whatsoever. His body was his body, and it wasn’t anything to be ashamed about. Dean, on the other hand, was very secretive, and would turn around and try to hide as many parts of his body from Castiel as he could. Castiel already knew that Dean had a few interesting tattoos on his body – he had already spotted one over his heart, one on his right shoulder, and one on his wrist and Castiel would bet that those weren’t all of Dean’s tattoos yet – and that the man had scars all over his body. Castiel didn’t get why he would hide from _Castiel_ though. Not only were they both male, and thus had the same body parts, Castiel was a monk, and he would never act on his desires. Dean seemed to get that, but he was still unsure and would still hide himself from Castiel.

 

Besides those awkward moments between the two of them, they were getting along better and better. The family that had caused Castiel to move to Dean’s tent was still staying in Castiel’s previous tent. Not because there were no new tents, but because Castiel and Dean actually enjoyed the other’s company, and didn’t want to live separately any more. With the improvement in their relationship, Castiel was able to settle down more and more, and it didn’t take him very long before he was in front of Rufus once more and telling the man that he was ready to teach the children, and that he would be talking to people about matters of faith in the evenings. When Rufus asked him if he also wanted to join the actual rescue mission, Castiel declined. He didn’t want to be too involved, in case something happened, but he agreed to sometimes judge cases that were causing a divide in the camp with his differing view of the world.

 

Castiel started to enjoy himself more and more, and he even started attending the evening campfire talks. It would just be people talking amongst themselves, but he got to know new people, and Castiel started to feel more comfortable in his own skin. Some people were open about how they had gotten in the camp, and would tell Castiel all about it, but others still wanted to keep it to themselves. Rufus offered a clean slate to anyone, and most people took it. Some people just didn’t mind owning up to their previous sins as much as others. Castiel didn’t mind if people told him or if they remained silent. He would enjoy talking to them anyway.

 

Most often, the people who actually started anew – new name and all – would ask him questions about religion, and about absolving sins. They wanted their god to accept them as they were now, and Castiel would talk to those people longest. Often, their journey had been perilous, and even though Castiel never pried for any details, he knew that they were not only questioning their religion, but also themselves. He identified with those people, and he tried to help them to the best of his abilities – which he thought were not enough, but apparently everyone disagreed with him on that point. He tried to bring about a more peaceful camp by keeping people apart when they started to fight by being the independent referee who would make all parties see sense, and he would settle disputes with Rufus on his side as well.

 

Castiel started to feel like the camp was actually his home the moment he was first asked to join two people in matrimony. He wasn’t actually allowed to do that, so the union wouldn’t be recognised by any church, but the two men he joined in marriage didn’t care about that. They were married before a monk, and that monk had blessed their marriage before their god, and they had been happy. The two men, Simon and Joe, had thanked him many times, and they were still grateful that Castiel didn’t care that they were both male. Castiel had shrugged when they said that, and repeated what he’d told Charlie: he didn’t think religion had any reason to meddle with what was love between two human beings. The gender of the two human beings should not be such a big deal as it was made out to be.

 

After the marriage, Rufus had organised a big feast. Weddings were not a big thing in the camp, and it was the first time that there was a homosexual wedded couple in the camp, so celebrations were in order. The feast went on until late in the night, early in the morning for some people, and Castiel was thanked by most people in the camp. He felt celebrated himself, and was elated at the end of the night. When Dean and Castiel finally returned to their tent, together, in the early hours of the morning, Castiel still couldn’t shut up about how welcome and good he had felt that day, and Dean had smiled at him the whole time. _Dean_ made him feel welcome that night, and it was the best thing that had happened to him in quite a long time.

 

He was lucky that that feast was one of the first weeks he stayed in the camp. It cultivated happy memories for him, and made that he forgot about how the rescue missions were just going on. Just a week after, Dean told Castiel that he would be leaving on one of the missions in a few hours, and that was when it all crashed for Castiel. That was reality. It wasn’t just a small village where he lived, with tents instead of houses, it was a mission he lived in. And that mission would continue regardless of his feelings on it.

 

When Dean left, Castiel threw himself into his teaching and even organised information evenings for people with questions in the format of lectures that addressed one question per evening. It was uncalled for, Castiel thought, to feel so bad when the person you share your tent with leaves for a few days. He slept fitfully at best at night, and constantly worried about the man. Charlie tried to cheer him up, but it didn’t really work. When Dean returned, Castiel felt a part of him return as well, and he knew that the friendship he and Dean had forged was a strong one. He also thought there was something more to it than friendship, but he didn’t want to linger on that any longer than he actually had to. He felt at home now and he didn’t want to jeopardise that feeling.

 ***

The return of Sam and Dean stirred another round of celebrations – they had managed to free some twelve people in one night, and that was a new record. Nothing had gone wrong, and no one had decided to join their initiative, but no one cared about that. Sam and Dean were back, and they set a new record – that was what was important. The celebrations carried on until late in the night, but Castiel didn’t feel much like celebration. He was tired of his emotional reactions to Dean, and just wanted to sleep. He hoped that Dean would join him soon, so that he could finally sleep through the night, but it seemed like his wish would not be granted that night.

When Dean finally stumbled back into the tent, it was him accompanied by a woman who was giggling way too loud, and they fell on Dean’s bed together. Castiel swallowed, and turned around so that his back was to the rather loud couple on Dean’s bed. They went on to kiss, and made loud slurping noises while they were at it. The worst thing was that Dean didn’t seem to know that Castiel was even in the room, and that it was very awkward for him, if not to mention painful. He was actually _hurt_ by Dean’s display of masculinity.

 

Castiel drew in a shaky breath, and pulled on his clothes under his blanket. He quietly got up, and gathered up his blanket and pillow, and left the tent. As he exited, he looked back and saw the wide expanse of Dean’s back, his lovely, bared back, and the writhing young blonde lady underneath him. They were both naked, and Castiel just couldn’t deal with it any more. He let the flap fall close, not even caring if it was properly closed or not, or if people could look into the tent. He felt rejected and cold, and he didn’t know where he wanted to go. Sam had a girlfriend and they were finally serious, and had moved into one tent together, so they were probably celebrating as well. He hadn’t made that many friends yet in the camp, even though everyone talked to him all the time. It was just different. Friends and people to talk to were not the same, and so Castiel had limited options of where to go. He then thought of Charlie. She had gone to her tent earlier in the evening, but had said something about celebrating on her own in the strategists’ tent, so Castiel set out to go there. He hoped that she was still there, because he didn’t know which tent was hers, and he definitely didn’t want to go about opening random tents to see if Charlie was in there.

 

Thankfully, that was the only moment of the night that Castiel was actually in luck. Charlie was still in the tent, and she looked up when she heard footsteps approach. She actually did a double take when she saw Castiel entering the tent.

 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” she asked, her voice soft as appropriate for the time of the night it was. She then looked at him closer. “Are you okay, Castiel? What happened?” She sounded concerned, but Castiel could only shake his head.

 

“The fearless leader, or second-in-command, or whatever he is supposed to be, brought back someone to the tent. He… he didn’t seem to care that I was there at all, and he… he knows what I think about meaningless sex and one night stands. We… we talked about it before, and he has always… he always tried to keep it from me. And now…” Castiel sniffed. He felt ill all of a sudden, and he just wanted to cry himself to sleep.

 

Charlie rushed forward and pulled him in towards a hug. “Shhh, Castiel,” she said. “Don’t worry, you’ll be alright. It’s not bad to cry about this, so please let it go, okay? Don’t feel bad about it at all.”

 

With that, Castiel actually felt tears run down his cheeks, and he couldn’t hold back the sobs any more. “It’s just th-that I thought… that he would be… m-more con-considerate, a-and–”

 

“Castiel, you don’t have to talk about it right now, okay?” Charlie said, carding her fingers through his hair. “Let’s go back to my tent. We’ll go to sleep, and then when you wake in the morning, you can think about it, and then we will talk about it if you want to. Not if you don’t feel like talking about it, okay?”

 

Castiel nodded. He felt that was most of what he was capable of at the moment. He knew he was unsteady on his feet and that he was shaking from top to bottom, but he would get through this. He couldn’t have Dean do this to him, and he couldn’t deal with it right now. He knew that Charlie was right, and he needed to cry it out for now, and then sleep on it, and face all of the ensuing problems in the morning. It was difficult to get up again from the crumpled heap of human being that he had collapsed into when before Charlie had hugged him, but she helped him get to his feet, and together they managed to get fairly quickly to Charlie’s tent.

 

She helped him set up his bed for the night – even though it was improvised and not nearly as comfortable as the bed that was waiting for him in his tent. Even the _thought_ of Dean made him cry again, and Charlie just took him into her arms and soothed him. He appreciated it a lot. He needed the human comfort now.

 

In the end they decided to just put Castiel’s bed directly next to Charlie’s so that they could curl up for comfort together if they felt the inclination to do so, and Castiel was sure that that would be what he would end up doing throughout the night. Charlie and Castiel changed into their night clothes, said their goodnights, and then crawled into bed together. It should have been weird, but it wasn’t. It was just comfortable and comforting, which was exactly what Castiel needed.

Charlie let him cry on for as long as he wanted, but when he felt like he had been crying for hours at a time, and no longer with a valid reason at all, she pulled him closer, and they snuggled up together.

 

“Let’s try to sleep, okay?” she whispered, and Castiel quietly agreed. He dried his tears and settled into the bed and Charlie’s body, and tried to calm his breathing enough that Charlie could sleep at least. He wasn’t so sure that he would be able to sleep at all, and he just wanted Charlie to get through the night now. She cared about him, but Castiel cared about her as well, and he wouldn’t take well to her not being able to sleep because he had been tossing and turning and _crying_ all night. He felt horrible, but that was the way it had to be. He would just have to meditate his way through the tears and the pain, and then think about it all in the morning, when the woman was gone from their tent, and Castiel could finally go in to sleep in peace because he was way too tired. That, coincidentally, was one of Castiel’s final thoughts while awake. His last was that he wished that Charlie wasn’t so very kind to him all the time.


	10. Chapter 9

#  [[Chapter 9]]

“He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life

He prayed for both but was denied”

~ _Hand of Sorrow_ – Within Temptation

 

When Castiel woke the next morning, he didn’t feel any better in the least. His eyes were crusted together and his head felt heavy. Charlie was already up and puttering about in the tent, and when she noticed that Castiel was waking, she grabbed a wet cloth and gave it to him.

 

“Here, this might help to feel at least a bit more human now.”

 

Castiel accepted it gratefully, and cleaned his face. It did help, and he felt a little better, but then he remembered why he was here, and he had to clench his fists to keep his emotions in check. Charlie noticed, and threw him a sympathetic look.

 

“I’ll go and get you some breakfast,” she said. “I think you don’t really feel like going out and getting breakfast.”

 

Castiel nodded. He didn’t feel like communicating with anyone, and Charlie just might be the exception to that. He wasn’t sure if he could handle being around anyone today, unless they were Charlie, and he just didn’t want to risk blowing up in the middle of the camp where everyone could see him. Castiel was known and respected as a quiet but happy person, and this whole debacle could easily ruin that whole reputation, and… he just couldn’t handle it.

 

He was still staring at his hands and thinking about how miserable he felt when Charlie returned with food for him. She sat down next to him and handed him his food. Mercifully, she didn’t start talking to him until he had actually gotten through his meal. When he put down his spoon and placed the empty bowl on the floor, she started talking.

 

“So, Castiel. I know that last night had something to do with Dean and I know you might not want to talk about it, but I think we should. You completely crashed down, and I’ve never seen you like that. I’m worried about you, and if you have some kind of issue with Dean not respecting your privacy or the rules you set up, I think I have the right to kick his ass about that.” She looked expectantly at Castiel, who had gone back to staring at his hands.

 

“It is about Dean,” Castiel started hesitantly. “I mean, I told you yesterday that it was… weird, what he did or didn’t do and I just… I flipped out and I couldn’t handle it. It is partially my fault, and…”  


“That’s where I’m going to stop you, Castiel,” Charlie interrupted. “It’s never your fault if other people violate your rules. I know you have some issues with that since whatever Freeley exactly did, but in this case, I think Dean might have been completely wrong. Can you… tell me what happened? Or at least why you are upset still?”

 

“Okay.” Castiel took a deep breath. “So, the first time Dean and I started to live together, basically, we had an awkward moment already, and we thought we got over that, really. It resulted in rules, though. We had to do that, it was too awkward to just enter the tent and see someone naked on the bed, you know. Especially for me. I’ve never had any inclination like that before, and for me it is just weird if other people do that while in my line of view.” He chuckled awkwardly. “Anyway, so we sat down to talk about this. I think it was the second most embarrassing thing I ever did. We decided that Dean would have like, designated time in which I wasn’t in the tent, and that other times, he just wouldn’t… touch himself. For me, this was a vital part of our living together, since one of those instances was enough for me already.”

 

“Wait,” Charlie said. “You walked in on Dean masturbating and there were no consequences?”

 

Castiel thought back to the taste of Dean’s semen on his lips. “What exactly do you mean by consequences?”

 

“Like, him being angry at you, throwing something at you, chasing you with a dirty hand-” here Charlie grimaced “- or you know… that kind of stuff.”

 

“No, not really. I… I just… kind of accidentally told him that I had seen him.” Castiel blushed. “It was… not very uhm…”  


“It was weird,” Charlie surmised, and Castiel nodded. “So you made up rules about when he could masturbate and when he would not, and he followed them?”

 

“Yes. We were trying to live together, and there was no other spot for me at the time, so he felt like he had to.”

 

Charlie looked sceptical, but accepted it. “But yesterday was different? I mean, you got through this whole bit quite easily, so I’m guessing that’s not really the problem.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Castiel thought how he was going to phrase this. “Dean has… brought people back to the tent before. I didn’t exactly like his behaviour, but he warned me in advance every time, and I could just spend the night in the strategists’ tent, or with Sam. It was not a problem at all. We communicated, and I was prepared. Yesterday though…” Castiel trailed off. He really didn’t know how he was supposed to say this, but he was actually upset over this and words seemed to fail him. Phrasing how Castiel felt that Dean had _betrayed_ him by sleeping with the first willing body he saw, and without communicating at that. It felt horrible, and he just… he didn’t want to talk about Dean that way to one of Dean’s best friends. Even though that best friend was also Castiel’s only friend at the moment.

 

“He did it without talking to you beforehand?” Charlie guessed.

 

Castiel nodded. “It felt so wrong, and they pretended I wasn’t even there. Or they didn’t notice I was there. It just…” He took a deep breath, and then continued with a lowered voice. “It just _hurt_ , Charlie. It hurt so much to have him betray my trust on the night he’s first back. I was looking forward to talking to him about what had happened, but now… now I just feel kind of sick, and I don’t want to talk to him any more at all. I feel like such a child, like I’m so naïve for trusting him on this.” He swallowed back the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

 

Charlie was there, though. “You’re not naïve for trusting him, Castiel. That was natural. You were living together, sharing a small space, and you _had_ to trust each other. He actually betrayed your trust, so you are completely right if you don’t want to talk to him in the upcoming days. I can go into your tent and get your clothes and other belongings, and I’ll make sure that you don’t have to see Dean if you don’t want to, okay?”

 

Castiel nodded in assent, and dropped onto the bed once more. “I just don’t know what do, Charlie.”

 

“Well, what you are going to do today is read and talk to me, and try and have fun. We’ll see what we’re going to do tomorrow when we get there, okay?”

 

Castiel nodded. “Will you get my books for me?”

 

“Of course,” Charlie said. “They are in your tent, right? I’ll get them when I go to get your clothes and stuff. Do you need anything else?”

 

“I don’t think so,” Castiel replied. “What will you do if you run into Dean? Will you tell him… about this?” Castiel was suddenly nervous that Charlie would view Dean as a better friend and would just tell Dean about how Castiel had completely broken down, and that they would laugh about it together.

 

“I wouldn’t tell him, Castiel. You told me this in confidence, and I don’t like passing on that kind of information without informing you – or when the situation can only be solved with that kind of information. If you want to, I will never tell Dean about this.”

 

“Just not now would be okay, too, Charlie. I’m just not ready to deal with Dean.”

 

She smiled at him. “Don’t worry about it, please. You can try to meditate if you want to, maybe it will help you feel a little better.”

 

“I think I’ll do that,” Castiel whispered. He was already feeling better because Charlie had basically promised him that she wouldn’t tell Dean, and she would also help him avoid Dean as much as possible. He thought he might love Charlie a lot for that, and his appreciation for her had also grown. She would have to talk to Dean without letting slip that Castiel was staying with her, and if she told him, she would have to tell Dean that Castiel didn’t want to see him right now. He was slightly worried about Dean’s reaction on that statement, but felt that he was relaxed enough to at least try his hand at meditation. He cleared his mind, and tried not to think of anything and not to worry. He hadn’t prayed in a few days, he had been too distraught, but he did meditate daily, so even the worries he had about not being faithful to his religion were easily pushed to the side. Castiel viewed his meditation as an extended prayer of sorts. He always felt closer to God when he was meditating than when he was praying, simply because meditation was opening his full being to the religious experience.

 

By the time Charlie returned, Castiel had managed to relax very thoroughly, and he finally felt connected to God again. He was happier, and he felt lighter than he had before. When he returned to his body again, he saw Charlie stare at him with open affection in her eyes.

 

“Hey Charlie.”

 

“Hi Castiel.”

 

Then they just smiled at each other while Charlie gave Castiel his clothes and the books that had been in tent he shared with Dean.

 

“Did you see Dean?” Castiel asked despite himself. “Or was he gone from the tent?”  


“I saw him,” Charlie said. She sounded like she was walking around a ticking time bomb, though, but Castiel didn’t pay that any attention in favour of hearing more about Dean. Charlie seemed doubtful, but Castiel managed to convince her to tell him about it though he couldn’t for the life of him remember how exactly. It probably had something to do with the sad face he pulled when she tried to tell him off.

 

“He seemed… lost,” Charlie finally said. “It’s weird, he’s never been like that. He immediately asked after you, since it looked like you had left in the middle of the night. He feels bad, and wants to apologise.” Charlie looked at Castiel, her face expressionless. “I told him to fuck off for now, and keep away from you, and that you were not going to be staying in Dean’s tent for a few nights. I told him that you needed some time before you could maybe start accepting apologies, and that Dean had better prepare something good for you.”

 

The fact that Dean apparently felt bad, too, cheered Castiel up for a bit. He wouldn’t be better in just a few days, but maybe he would be able to accept Dean’s apology sooner now. The whole thing had been horrible, and he wanted to work through it as soon as possible, but he also understood that in order to do that, Castiel needed to settle his own issues first.

 

“Are you okay, Castiel?” Charlie asked, concern clear in her voice.

 

“Yes. I might need some time, but I’ll be fine. I’ll manage. I don’t think I will be crying again any time soon.”

 

Charlie laughed at that. “But seriously. I told Rufus you weren’t feeling well and couldn’t teach, or talk to people, and that you wouldn’t be joining any campfires for the next few days at least, so you are actually free. I do need to do my job, though, and even though I can take part of the day off to care for you, we’ll need someone else in here to ‘care’ for you while I’m not here. I told Rufus that it wasn’t bad like that, but he insisted.” She shrugged. “A lot of people volunteered, but I picked Anna. I don’t know if you’ve met her yet, but she’s quite religious, and she cared a lot about you. She’s still single, but loves the children, and so she also wants to start teaching once her education is finished. I thought you might be able to talk about some stuff, at least.”

 

Castiel didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t actually expected to get any time off at all, and had already resigned himself to teaching while feeling miserable, but he felt a lot better now that he knew that he didn’t have to do that. He wasn’t sure about Anna, though. He didn’t know her, and he felt apprehensive in including another person in the lie that Charlie and him were trying to keep afloat. It must have shown on his face.

 

“Castiel, stop worrying. Whatever it is you are worried about, just drop it. You just came out of a great meditation session and you are back in that weird headspace already.”

 

“I just… what about Anna?”

 

“What about her, Castiel?”  


“What does she know? You must have told her I’m not actually, physically ill.”

 

“I did.”

 

Castiel sighed. Charlie wasn’t very forthcoming with details and he didn’t know if he liked that very much. “What did you tell her, Charlie?”

 

“I told her you were recovering from a very severe headache, almost like a migraine, and that it had struck hard. That you weren’t feeling up to mingling yet, and that you were very tired all of the time.”

 

“That’s a blatant lie, Charlie.”

 

“I know. Would you rather I told her about your heartbreak, or the fact that you are basically having a long distance fight with Dean?”  


Castiel shook his head. He didn’t want to involve anyone else, not even Sam, and he just… deflated. “I know you mean well, Charlie, but sometimes I can kill you for the lies you tell all the time. I’m still having difficulties with that.”

 

“You might want to get over that,” Charlie said cheerily. “I might have told Dean that you were staying over at my girlfriend’s tent instead of mine, and I also told him that he should leave again soon.”

 

“You did… You have a girlfriend?” Castiel didn’t know which of the two statements he needed to address first, so he picked the girlfriend one. It seemed the easy way out as that wasn’t about him and Dean.

 

“Yes, I do!” Charlie announced proudly. “Her name is Gilda, and she’s amazing. We’ve been keeping it under wraps, though. Not like we’re afraid of the reactions people will have, but more like… We wanted to be sure first. You are the first person who knows about us, so you better keep it a secret too. And treasure the fact that Dean doesn’t know this yet.”

 

Castiel smiled broadly. “I’m happy for you, Charlie. I hope it will last. Am I not imposing, then? Would you not rather spend time with her?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “She’s out on a prisoner run, so I don’t have anything else to do, I guess.”

 

“The other… issue.” Castiel hesitated. “Why did you tell Dean that he should leave again?”  


“So that you can have your own tent, you silly. If he’s gone, you can move into his tent again, and be on your own and not feel guilty.”

 

Castiel was baffled. Did Charlie think that was how his mind worked? In this case, she was absolutely, completely _wrong_. “I… I will also feel guilty if I take his tent while he is gone, Charlie,” Castiel admitted quietly. “I don’t want my own tent if that would mean that Dean is never there.”

 

“So the magic was in the sharing?”

 

“I think so, yes. We were becoming good friends before… before the incident.”

 

Charlie looked at him with narrowed eyes, but then let it slide. “I’m going to have to go do my job soon, but Anna will be here like, any moment. She’s also a redhead, just… different from me. Like, more serious, and less bubbly, and I’ll be going now.”

 

The transition from describing Anna to her goodbye was natural and Castiel waved goodbye. He couldn’t expect Charlie to always be there for him, even though she tried to. He hoped that he would like Anna.

 

 


	11. Chapter 10

#  [[Chapter 10]]

“Don’t worry about a thing,

‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,

‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

~ _Three Little Birds_ – Bob Marley

 

Castiel did like Anna, as it turned out. Charlie had made an excellent judgement of character, and Castiel found himself thinking less and less about Dean, which he still wasn’t sure was good or not. Anyway, he enjoyed his days with Anna greatly. They just clicked, and talked about anything and anyone without a second thought. Anna was the fourth person he opened up to about his past, and what exactly had transpired. She didn’t judge him, just quietly asked him if he agreed with the verdict, and if he had made peace with it. Anna was judgemental sometimes – mainly concerning same sex couples, on which topic she completely agreed with the religious view – and Castiel couldn’t always unite her behaviour and thoughts. It didn’t really matter, though, because they _liked_ each other, and Castiel was teaching Anna more and more about the church.

 

When Anna heard that he was still celibate and didn’t want to do anything until marriage, she got a glint in her eyes, and looked at him calculatingly. It was as if she was trying to gouge how much he was worth, or how quickly she could get him to do what she wanted. Not that he minded. He thought that he could actually be together with Anna and break some of the rules set by the rules of his faith, but he didn’t mention that to her.

 

One day, when they were talking about the celibacy issue, and Castiel told her that he had never felt the urge to break celibacy at all, she just stared at him in disbelief.

 

“Never?” she asked. “Not once? Not one teensy tiny moment where you just went, _If I could just_ …?”

 

“No,” Castiel said, even though he was now re-evaluating his thoughts on that. He might have… but that wouldn’t even be like Anna meant, and he wasn’t close to breaking his vows, it was just that… _Dean_. That was it. It was just Dean who might tempt him into breaking them, and breaking celibacy. But Castiel wouldn’t because he was stronger than that, and because it _just wouldn’t work_.

 

Anna had come closer. “Are you sure, Castiel?”

 

He swallowed. “Yes.”

 

“Not even now?” she asked, and her breath ghosted over his lips. Castiel realised that she was going to kiss him, and he tried to backpedal. He didn’t know if he wanted to kiss her. He enjoyed her company, certainly, but it was just… was that love? Was that something he would maybe in the future would want to break his vows over? He didn’t know yet. _But_ , he reasoned with himself, _there was this saying ‘Don’t knock it till you try it’, right?_ So he just had to try it, and _then_ he would be able to draw a conclusion.

 

“I might be.” Castiel sounded blank to himself, but Anna apparently took it as permission to kiss him. The kiss was light, just the press of two sets of lips together, but when Anna broke the kiss, she looked radiant, and Castiel didn’t want to break that. He enjoyed seeing her happy, he now realised. There might be more between them than he had originally suspected before. It wasn’t just good conversation and being close friends. There might be some sort of love just underneath the surface, and Castiel wouldn’t let that go to waste, so he went in for another kiss, this time somewhat longer, but just as chaste as the previous one had been.

 

When they broke this kiss to breathe, they just looked at each other for several minutes. Castiel didn’t know if there was a script they had to follow or if this had complicated their relationship, but he’d just have to find out. They kept staring some more, and then Anna broke the silence.

 

“Does this mean that we are together now?” She sounded hopeful, and Castiel didn’t want to bash her hopes. They might have a beautiful future in front of them still, and if they didn’t try it, they would never know if they were going to work out.

 

“I think so.” Castiel saw the uncertainty on Anna’s face and quickly amended his answer. “Yes.”

Her face lit up and she kissed Castiel again. He reciprocated, but the kiss didn’t become any dirtier than any of those before.

 

That was of course exactly when Charlie returned from the strategists’ tent, and she audibly gasped in the entrance of the tent, and then quickly turned to leave again. Castiel broke the kiss off, however.

 

“I’m sorry, Anna,” he said, apology clear in his voice. “I told Charlie I would be spending time with her preparing my next set of lectures and the class projects for school, as I’m going to return to teaching next week. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

She looked as if she really wanted to object, but didn’t. “It’s fine. You do realise this was the last time I was ‘booked’ to help you, right?”

 

“I do,” Castiel said. “Shall we meet up tomorrow to just go do something? I’d like to go out to the campfires again. It’s been a bit too much, just being cooped up in here the last few days.”

 

Anna smiled, and her smile looked genuine. “I’d like that.”

 

“I’ll pick you up after dinner somewhere?”

 

“Yes. My tent is in the corner with all the families, on the right and the second from the pink one.”

 

Castiel laughed and pecked her on the cheek. “I’ll see you then,” he said, and Anna took that as her cue to leave. Castiel was still smiling when Charlie came back into the tent and sat down heavily next to Castiel.

 

“So, you and Anna?” she asked. She didn’t seem very thrilled, like Castiel was, but that might have something to do with the fact that she had just had a long shift, and it was the last few days before Gilda would be returning.

 

“What about me and Anna?” Castiel returned, knowing full well what Charlie was driving at, but wanting to drag it out some more.

 

“Are the two of you together now?”

 

“It appears we are, yes.” Castiel laughed. “It was actually not even something I expected, to be honest.”  


“Does it feel right, though?” Charlie asked concerned. “I didn’t see it coming, and I have a gift of predicting relationships in this camp. I might be questioning your legitimacy here, Castiel. I didn’t expect it, and I don’t think anyone else in the camp would say that it was clear from the beginning. Tell me about it.”

 

“I’ve never asked about you and Gilda.”

 

“That’s _different_ , Castiel.”

 

“How is it different, Charlie?” Castiel asked, suddenly angry and hurt. “Why are you questioning this? Am I not _allowed_ to be in a relationship?”

 

Charlie looked taken aback. “I… I… of course you are. It’s just that… Well… you are a monk, and we kind of thought that this wasn’t in the books for you.”

 

Charlie was still stuttering her way through the sentence, but Castiel had gotten up. “I think I might have to find another tent to sleep in tonight,” Castiel said, voice cold. Charlie actually shrank back at that, and grabbed Castiel’s wrist.

 

“No, I’m so sorry. It’s just that… it’s unexpected, is all.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s the whole truth, Charlie.”

 

“I know it is not, Castiel, but the part I’m not telling you is not something I can just tell you. It would be talking about other people’s secrets and I thought we had agreed on not doing that. Unless you have changed your mind?”

 

Castiel shook his head. He knew he was unreasonably angry at Charlie, but he couldn’t get past the fact that she wasn’t telling him everything, and that she said that she wasn’t telling him everything. The gaps in his knowledge made him irritable.

 

“Can we try to talk about Anna, though?” Charlie asked, her voice small. “I’d like to know about the girl who stole my best friend’s heart for the first time in his life.”

 

Castiel took pity on her and sat down again. “She’s kind and she wants to learn everything. She’s so driven, and I admire that,” he said. “She wants to be a teacher, and I know you told me this, but did you know that she already has taught before? She just wants to get back into it, and she wants to have a better world view. She loves the quiet just like me, and she thinks that her faith is important.” He winced then, though, and looked at Charlie. “She doesn’t agree with my view that all love is love, though, and disapproved of me marrying same sex couples. She absolutely hates that. But she does understand why I do it, so she won’t stop me if I will take up more same sex marriages. So, no worries, I can still marry you and Gilda if you want me to.”

 

Charlie smiled at that, but it seemed rather forced. “When did the two of you become a couple?”  


“Actually, just today.” Castiel sighed. “It was just before you walked in. I think that if you had been home earlier it wouldn’t have happened. My mind kept interfering, and it was awkward… I mean, it all started because of my celibacy, and she seemed to be challenging my celibacy, and then she asked if I had never ever in my life felt any kind of attraction towards anyone. She seemed to imply that I might break my vows for her, or for anyone else. I thought I might have some more time to ease myself into the idea of breaking my vows, but Anna seemed pretty sure that she could get me to give them up real quick.”

 

“She seems like a nice girl,” Charlie said. “I just… Be aware of the fact that Anna might want to charm her way into you breaking your vows. If you don’t want that, then please stand by that decision and let Anna know that you aren’t planning on any actual intercourse. You might still be able to do other stuff, of course, if you want to, but I think she should know that you won’t be doing any sexual stuff.”

 

Castiel nodded. “That… that was going to be one of the things I am going to tell her about tomorrow. I mean, I come with issues, I’m not a perfect human being, and she has the right to know about that, and about why I might react to certain things the way I do.”

 

“Did you tell her about Balthazar?” Charlie asked.

 

“I did,” Castiel admitted. “Not in detail, just the general story though.”

 

“That might have made her aware of some of your issues already, though.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean that every time you tell me that story, you flinch when you mention Balthazar, so there are obviously issues there. I’m guessing trust, because you feel betrayed and you thought you could trust him. You’re also worried about your own judgements now, because your judgement of character was off about Balthazar, or at least that’s what you think. I think Balthazar was just a prick who didn’t deserve your trust and loyalty in the first place. Which brings me to my last point. You’re obviously still blaming yourself, and you can’t get past that. And that’s a big thing. I mean, you could probably build up your relationship with Anna and try to trust her, but when she breaks that trust, it will be harder. The guilt, though. The guilt is following you anywhere you go, and you seem to only be adding to that with everything you do. It’s seriously harmful now, Castiel, and you don’t even _see_ it.”

 

Charlie exhaled, and took a deep breath to continue, but Castiel stopped her.

 

“Okay, I get it. You should have done something with psychology though, not war strategies.”

 

“Actually, psychology is very useful in planning war strategies,” Charlie quipped, and smiled. “Back on the topic of Anna, though. Be careful around her, and mind your own limits. If you don’t want to do something, she shouldn’t be forcing you into it, and that also goes the other way around, of course. If she doesn’t want to do something you won’t force her. And I have a final tip slash trick for you, okay? Communication is the key, so please, for the love of all that is holy, _break it off_ if you can’t talk about anything, especially the stuff you have clashing opinions on.”

 

“I’ll take that into account,” Castiel said. “Was that all the relationship stuff you wanted to discuss? I’d like to go over the lesson plans now.”


	12. Chapter 11

#  [[Chapter 11]]

“Birds flying high

You know how I feel

Sun in the sky

You know how I feel

Reeds driftin' on by

You know how I feel”

~ _Feeling Good_ \- Muse

 

The next few weeks passed in the same manner as they had before the Dean debacle (as Castiel was still calling it in his head). He worked in the classroom, now often accompanied by Anna, who was magical with most of the children, and in the evening he continued giving lectures on the main themes in the questions asked by the people interested in worship and faith. Castiel started to love life again, and he also started thinking about meeting up with Dean to talk about everything, but he didn’t seem to be able to actually get to the point where he’s comfortable enough to do so. Dean appeared to have taken Charlie’s advice, too, and he was gone more often than not. Castiel didn’t miss Dean as much though, because Anna was taking up quite a lot of his time. They weren’t sharing a tent, but Charlie and Gilda had taken to sharing a tent, and Castiel had permanently moved into Charlie’s. It was all fine, and Castiel was happy again.

 

Then one evening, when Dean returned, he brought home a few prisoners, and one stray that they had found on their way back to the camp. They hadn’t liberated the stray – the stray had broken out of prison on his own. Castiel didn’t hear about it until later, because of no longer sharing a tent with Dean.

 

Castiel was walking aimlessly through the camp, his lecture had ended and Anna was babysitting one of the little ones while their parents were for once having a night off. Castiel hadn’t been invited to help out. He didn’t mind, as it had been quite some time since he’d last had a night to himself. He settled near the campfire, and was startled when someone sat down next to him and actually talked to him.

 

“I didn’t expect to see you ever again, Castiel.”

 

Castiel looked up in alarm, and then recognised the face. “Balthazar,” he whispered. He wanted to get up and leave, but he couldn’t. He was frozen on the spot, unable to move. Oh, how he wanted to run. He didn’t feel like confronting Balthazar and he didn’t feel like confronting his feelings on the matter either.

 

“I heard you had a pretty redhead for yourself now.”

 

Castiel flinched, and he started to feel angry. Balthazar has no reason to be at the camp, and even less reason to be bothering him of all people.

 

“How is she in bed, Castiel? Is she any good for a roll in the hay?”

 

Balthazar’s words cut through to Castiel, enough to break through his stupor. “Don’t talk to me, Balthazar,” Castiel hissed, and then got up and left. But he underestimated Balthazar’s persistence - the man grabbed his wrist. They were standing just outside of the bright circle of light from the campfires, anyone could overhear them. Castiel didn’t want this to be how everyone found out about his story, but he didn’t want to talk to Balthazar somewhere secluded either. Castiel tried to shake Balthazar’s hand from his wrist, but the man wouldn’t let go.

 

“Let go of me,” Castiel ordered, louder and clearer. He heard his voice ring, and saw several heads turn in his general direction. He knew this was a good thing. Castiel was a well-respected member of the camp, and Balthazar had only just arrived, and probably hadn’t even introduced himself to anyone yet. So it was a virtual stranger who was harassing the monk who had brought religious instruction; married people in this camp and made members of the community happy. Castiel wasn’t even curious about whose side they would pick, but he was slightly afraid that they would pick a side too late.

 

Balthazar still didsn’t do anything but talk. “You need to hear me out, Castiel. We’re both free now, and we could do so much together…”

 

“Let go of me!” Castiel’s voice swelled. “I don’t need to listen to you, and I definitely don’t think that it’s good to work together at all. Just leave.”

 

“Is this man bothering you, Castiel?” Castiel finally managed to look up from his wrist and his attempt to free himself to see Dean approach from behind Balthazar. He had his arms crossed over his chest and looked livid. He was glad that Dean was there. Dean, whom he hadn’t seen in a few months, but who hadn’t been off his mind very often.

 

“Of course I’m not bothering him,” Balthazar said. Castiel realised that his wrist was finally free, and he started rubbing it gently. Balthazar had a very strong grip, and the skin was already bruising where he had held onto Castiel.

 

“I wasn’t asking _you_ for your opinion,” Dean said, his voice cold and distant. “Castiel, are you okay?”

 

Castiel couldn’t do much more than nod. He was speechless. Why would Dean come to his rescue at all? They weren’t actually talking, and it felt weird to have Dean help him while they they hadn’t even seen each other in a few months. When Castiel didn’t say anything else, Dean took Balthazar roughly by his upper arm and steered him towards Rufus’s tent. Castiel followed, even though he didn’t think he would be very useful. It was just that he might be able to clear up some of the lies Balthazar was telling.

 

“Well,” Dean said while presenting Balthazar before Rufus. “This man was why I was called away in the middle of the meeting. He was harassing Castiel.”

 

“Hm…” Rufus said. “Let’s hear from him, then. What’s your name?”

 

“Sebastian,” Balthazar said. Castiel made a small noise of complaint, and Dean immediately looked at him.

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s a lie, Mr Freeley,” Rufus said. Castiel was shocked that Rufus knew about him and didn’t know where he had gotten his information from. It was true, and it shouldn’t have mattered at all. Balthazar just looked mildly embarrassed for being called out on his lie, but didn’t make any other allegations. Rufus continued, “So will you be telling us the truth from now on? We know quite a bit more about you than you know about us, anyway, so there’s no reason you wouldn’t be telling us the truth.”

 

Balthazar scoffed. “Your little breaking and entering crew are nothing more than a whole lot of annoying ants.” Dean’s hand tightened on Balthazar’s bicep and Balthazar winced.

 

“That doesn’t matter in this whole debate, Mr Freeley.” Rufus’s voice was calm and steady, and while Dean was slowly working himself up, Balthazar seemed to calm down more and more. “This is just a formal matter, really. We will be handing you back over to the prison wardens in a matter of hours. It’s just… do we need to add some more to your lifelong prison sentence, or will that be it.”

 

Balthazar did look alarmed at that, and visibly shrank in on himself.

 

“So if I ask you a question, will you answer it?” Rufus asked. Balthazar just nodded. “Use your words, man, don’t just nod.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“I stumbled across your little caravan and decided to follow you.”

 

“Did you talk to anyone on that trip?”

 

“Do you mean, did I ask if I could follow you?” Balthazar asked, and then scoffed. “Of course not. Why would I.”

 

“So you are trespassing here. Did you register with us?”

 

“No. I just wanted to find Castiel. I heard him talk about Castiel.” _Him_ being Dean, who flushed.

 

“Why did you harass Castiel if you just wanted to talk?”

 

“I didn’t harass Castiel.”

 

“I think Castiel sees it differently. ‘Just talking’ doesn’t involve keeping someone captive against their wishes.”

 

“I still didn’t harass Castiel.”

 

Rufus sighed. “We can argue about this, but let’s say it was harassment. Why?”

 

“I wanted to talk to him.”

 

“And Castiel clearly didn’t want to talk to you. Wasn’t that enough warning?”

 

“ _I just wanted to talk to him_.”

 

Rufus huffed again, and then motioned for Dean to let Balthazar go after tossing him some shackles. Dean shackled Balthazar up, Dean’s face a dark storm cloud, and made sure that Balthazar couldn’t leave the tent. In fact, he couldn’t even move more than a few centimetres, and Castiel saw the grim satisfaction on Dean’s face.

 

“Castiel, I think you and Dean need to talk about a few things, and neither of you are needed here. Mr Freeley is going nowhere without my say. I will take him to meet his prison guards.” It was as clear a dismissal as they were going to get from Rufus, but Castiel was worried about the _talking with Dean_ bit. Rufus clearly saw it on his face, and added: “You are going to talk _now_ , somewhere in private. I can’t stand this whole thing between the two of you. There’s too much tension between you. Fight it out if you have to, but please have it resolved tomorrow.”

 

Both Dean and Castiel nodded and left the tent. They didn’t look at each other, but to the forest floor instead, and by unspoken agreement they shunned Dean’s tent in favour of going into the forest itself. They wouldn’t be overheard in the forest, and it was private enough for the both of them to feel at least a bit more comfortable. Not that that would help.

 

The both of them were quiet for some time, and then Dean started talking.

 

“I’m sorry, Castiel. I… it was uncalled for. I knew that you were… I knew you didn’t like it and I still went ahead and brought Lisa back.” Dean lifted his head and actually looked at Castiel. “I’m so sorry, and I felt so unbelievably bad after…”

 

Castiel didn’t know what to say. “I… I’m sorry, too. I overreacted, and I was hurt. I’m sorry for taking away your best friend, though.”

 

Dean laughed. “Charlie isn’t my only friend. I’ve hogged Sam all the time, so…”

 

“That’s different, Dean. He’s your brother.”

 

“No, it’s not really different. You don’t have any family, and you only had Charlie to go to.”

 

“Still, Dean…”

 

“No, Castiel,” Dean was suddenly angry. “This is all on me. I ruined our rules, I ruined our friendship, and now I’ve ruined it even further by not noticing fucking _Balthazar_ had been trailing behind us. He was actually close to threatening you, Castiel, he hurt your wrist – what else might he have tried?  It was _dangerous_ , and if Patrick hadn’t gone into a meeting he had no reason being in to warn us that someone was threatening you, Balthazar would probably just have dragged you away.”

 

“No, you listen, Dean,” Castiel replied, the same aggression in his voice. He wasn’t used to being aggressive, but Dean was getting his nerves, and he had to get this off his chest. “It has been the _worst_ time, when you weren’t there. My best friend was gone, and I only had Charlie without you and Sam, and it was so damn _hard_ to deal with everything without you. I couldn’t sleep without you around, I worried about you constantly. And then… I just expected you to at least _try_ on the first night. Maybe we would’ve just talked, and I wouldn’t have cared for the world. I already had to share you with the world the entire time, and I was _selfish_ for just wanting to talk to you. And then you came back… I just couldn’t deal with it. I just couldn’t. I felt _cheated_ , Dean. Cheated out of time with you.”

 

Both of them are quiet after that, and Castiel can actually feel the change in atmosphere. It was more loaded, and Dean was not so much quiet as contemplative. It felt a lot better, though. _Castiel_ felt better. He had spoken through his fears, and now he felt lighter. He hadn’t told Dean about how he had been crying when he had found Charlie, or how he’d cried basically through the whole night, but that was not really relevant.

 

“I… I’m really sorry, Castiel,” Dean said. His voice had taken on a softer note, and Castiel felt comforted by that tone. He wanted to wrap Dean up in his arms, and that reminded Castiel of the one thing he hadn’t told Dean yet: Anna.  


“I accept your apology if you accept mine, Dean. We were both out of line, and we should have talked about it before. We should have been mature and worked through it instead of running in the exact opposite direction.”

 

“Wise words, Castiel. Let’s consider this dealt with, then. We can always return to it later, but we should let it rest for now.”

 

“We aren’t going to actually fight each other, are we?” Castiel asked.

 

“No, of course not. It was just… Rufus noticed that I was more distant and that we weren’t talking as much, and he asked me about it. He… mentioned you quite often and how well you are dealing with everything, and I just flinched every time he spoke about you. Of course he noticed something was wrong between us.” Dean shrugged. “According to him, the quickest way to get through an argument is by a physical fight, but I just don’t agree with him in that respect. I think that talking works. I just… I have difficulties with expressing that, sometimes.” Dean sighed. “Oh, the irony.”

 

Castiel chuckled. “We’re good now, though.” He leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder and slowly exhaled. “I can actually feel the stress leaving my body.”

 

Dean put his arm around Castiel’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” Dean sounded actually nervous, and Castiel looked up at Dean. Their faces were only centimetres apart, and Castiel felt his heart rate pick up. He was so close to Dean, and it was just unfair how beautiful the man was. Dean was actually leaning in, and their lips were almost touching when Castiel quickly withdrew. He sucked in a deep breath, and tried to calm his heart down. He got up to his feet and started pacing.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean,” he muttered. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry. I… I just…”

 

Dean got up as well, and he looked flustered but worried. “What’s wrong, Castiel? Please talk to me about it. That might help, and… we probably need to communicate more.”

 

Castiel turned around to face Dean, and looked at the man. He was beautiful, more beautiful than Anna would ever be to him, but he couldn’t betray her.

 

“I’m in a relationship with Anna.”


	13. Chapter 12

#  [[Chapter 12]]

“If I were sorry

I’d give you all the glory

if I were sorry”

~ _If I Were Sorry_ \- Frans

 

Dean looked at Castiel with shock clear on his face.

 

“Y-you are together with _Anna_?” he spluttered disbelievingly. “How? When? Why?”

 

“I’ve… We’ve been a couple for a few weeks now. It uh… it happened after… _that_. Charlie didn’t want to leave me alone and she convinced Rufus that I was ill, and Anna came in to ‘care for me’, supposedly. And we talked a lot. About books, about our faith… and it just clicked, I suppose. It just… started. And then it just was.”

 

Dean averted his gaze, but Castiel caught the hurt etched into his face.

 

“Are you not happy for me, Dean?”

 

“I don’t know, Castiel,” Dean whispered. “I… I just thought that it would be different this time around. Maybe I would be better for you, and care for you more, and… but you are with Anna now, and so… it all… doesn’t matter.” He sounded heartbroken, but when Castiel moved in to hug him, Dean moved away. “I don’t think we should touch. It feels inappropriate somehow.”

 

Castiel nodded slowly. “Can we be friends, then?” he asked. “I mean… there might be different expectations between us now.”

 

Dean shrugged. “I hope so, anyway. Where are you living now?”

 

“Charlie’s tent. She has moved in with Gilda, so it’s basically my tent now.”

 

Dean looked as if he were in a faraway land with his mind, so Castiel didn’t disturb him. He did, however, squeeze Dean’s shoulder.

 

“We’ll be okay, Dean. It will all be okay. We’ll just talk for now, and just try to be friends.”

 

Dean nodded, and then laughed. It sounded forced, but Castiel couldn’t care right now.

 

“Let’s go back to the camp, and then talk about all of this tomorrow. Maybe… when I have a clearer mind, and when I’m not as angry at that asshole, I’ll be better at accepting this.”

 

“Good idea,” Castiel agreed. “Balthazar has kind of tired me out, too, so I’d prefer to go back and head to bed.”

 

They smiled at each other, and it didn’t feel completely natural yet, but they would get there.

 

***

 

The next morning, Castiel woke up early. His mind was jumbled, and his dreams had been all over the place and were filled with people arguing over who deserved Castiel, and who didn’t, and he mainly remembered that there were also a few people actually fighting about him. It was weird and they made him feel off-kilter. He almost forgot about Balthazar and Dean because of his dreams.

 

As soon as he saw Anna, though, guilt reared its ugly head, and Castiel couldn’t meet her gaze. She was happy and bubbly and the epitome of everything he would have wanted in life if he’d had a normal life. But Castiel didn’t have a normal life. He was a monk, and he still felt he had to adhere to the rules of his monastery, even if he wasn’t officially a member of said monastery any longer. He was still a monk – it was just the way he worked. It was all he knew.

 

Castiel shook the heavy feelings from his mind and concentrated on teaching the children in the camp. He genuinely enjoyed teaching the children something they didn’t know yet, and he loved the bond they built during their time in ‘school’, and how interactions with them didn’t feel weird outside of school times. He loved the little ones and he wouldn’t jeopardise their education over his personal life.

 

All in all, Castiel got through the day unscathed, and even managed to put in an hour of work answering questions from people in the camp. It always seemed like once he’d answered every question, someone would come up with a new theme, and would just start thinking of other questions. It amused Castiel, and it kept him busy, so he kept indulging them. Even though some of the people in the camp knew the questions weren’t as good as they were in the beginning, they still tried to put some effort into an academic debate of sorts over religion.

 

Anna tried to talk to him afterwards, but the dreams had left Castiel with a vague sense of displeasure, and he quickly shook her off with the excuse that he was going to go to bed because he hadn’t slept well the night before.

 

Castiel followed through with the plan of going to bed, but once he was undressed and actually in bed, he started thinking about what was wrong about the whole situation. He had a bad feeling about it, and Castiel didn’t even know what exactly he meant with _it_. Just that he had a vague sense of a lot of stuff being wrong and not fitting. He thought about how happy Charlie and Gilda were, and how open they were about their relationship, and then he thought about how weird the relationship between Anna and him had felt lately. He hadn’t even told her about Balthazar and how Dean had helped him, and how they had talked for the first time in ages afterwards. He definitely hadn’t talked about the almost kiss.

 

Castiel realised he didn’t only feel guilty because he hadn’t told her, but also because he didn’t _care_ that he hadn’t told her yet. He had been avoiding her the last few days, and she definitely hadn’t helped at all in that department. He felt guilty because Anna was trying to push him into territory he didn’t want to be in, and he didn’t have to courage to tell her _no_. It was one of the reasons why he was avoiding her. He didn’t want to be alone with her, because he was too afraid that she would get him to do something he would regret.

 

Her pushing him wasn’t all that bad, but she had been suggesting that they take their relationship further. For her, that had meant some cuddling, but with less clothes on. Castiel didn’t have the heart to deny her, but he had felt uncomfortable the whole time, and the movement of Anna’s hips against his made him feel embarrassed, but he didn’t know how to communicate that. Castiel thought back to what Charlie had told him when she had found out about him and Anna, and how her first reaction was kind of off. She had already suspected that Anna wanted to take advantage of him somehow, and that she would just be using him for her own gains, whatever those might be. Castiel didn’t agree – Anna didn’t want sex for her own gains, but she did want Castiel to diverge from his holy path, and that was what her gain might be. He was uncomfortable though, and when he spent some time thinking about Charlie’s warning about needing to be clear, it became all clear to him. He didn’t have to muddle through this relationship any more. He just needed a sound reason to stop it, and talking openly was an issue they had. He never thought that Anna told him lies, but she definitely omitted stuff, which felt wrong somehow. Castiel knew he was a hypocrite in that respect, but… he couldn’t talk himself out of this anymore.

 

Somehow, it calmed Castiel down. He knew he had to break up with Anna, and that it would make him even happier. She had become a pushy, strong-willed girlfriend who didn’t really care for his wishes, and Castiel had realised that that wasn’t what he wanted, so he needed to break it off. As soon as possible. Just not right when he was trying to get to sleep. First sleep and then he would look to talk to Anna. The breakup could wait until in the morning or… Suddenly he felt hesitant. Maybe he shouldn’t… maybe he should give Anna some more time. He nodded to himself. Maybe next week or so.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there!

#  [[Chapter 13]]

“If I were sorry

it would be a different story”

~ _If I Were Sorry_ – Frans

 

The actual breakup was different from what Castiel had expected, or maybe of what he had hoped and construed it would be like. It was different, but it was a lot easier. When Anna came around the next afternoon, Castiel was seated on the bed, fully clothed, and with one of his religious texts in his hands. He wanted to show her that he was not going to fall for her ploys to get him naked and break his vows, and he also wanted to have an easy way to let her go.

 

“Hello, Castiel,” Anna said, and she went in for a kiss, which he dodged. He didn’t feel like any more intimacy now that he had made up his mind. She looked at him strangely, but Castiel just stared back at her as if he saw her for the first time.

 

“I was thinking we could do some preparation for tomorrow’s class,” Castiel said neutrally. It was clearly not what Anna was expecting, but she went with the flow. “I was thinking on doing some reading on the mentions of homosexuality in the church’s texts, and to show the children that it is okay to love someone of your own gender.”

 

Anna looked at him as if he had grown a second head, and when Castiel answered her gaze with his own challenging one, she started talking.

 

“You want to introduce children, five to ten year olds, to sin?” Her voice was cold, but that was as much as Castiel suspected.

 

“It’s not _sin_ , Anna,” Castiel said. His voice was already growing in volume, and he didn’t even have to pretend that he was angry. “It’s love. How can you still not understand that love is a driving force for people to become a couple, and that that is _exactly_ the same for same sex couples? I’m also wondering where exactly you got from that it was a sin, because _I have been studying these religious texts extensively and it’s never mentioned at all_.”

 

“Castiel!” Anna said. Her voice was also rising. “I just don’t get it! Why would you _think_ that it is NOT a sin?”

 

“Simply because it isn’t, Anna! Do you hate the same sex couples in the camp?” Castiel was slightly afraid of the answer, and also of the ease with which he was riling Anna up.

 

“YES!” she yelled. “THEY ARE ABOMINATIONS, CASTIEL, HOW DO YOU NOT GET THAT?”

 

“Well,” Castiel said steadily. “Then I think we’ll have to break this relationship up.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t have you insult my best friends, after all.”

 

Anna stared at him and her jaw fell open. “ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THAT FILTH?”

 

“Anna, I’d kindly ask you to leave my tent and stop insulting my friends.”

 

“ANSWER ME, CASTIEL!”

 

“They are not filth, Anna, but yes. I’m friends with them. They are better friends than you were ever a lover, and especially considering you were pushing me to limits I didn’t want to cross yet, if at all. We were always going to break up, Anna, but if we can’t find any common ground on this, then there is certainly no hope for us as a couple.”

 

She stared at for a few more seconds, and then stormed out of the tent, directly into the couple that stood kissing in front of the tent – Charlie and Gilda. Anna shoved them to the side, effectively breaking them up, and stomped away angrily. Charlie and Gilda entered the tent smiling, but that smile quickly faded when they saw Castiel crumple on the floor.

 

“Hey, Castiel, what’s wrong?” Charlie asked, Gilda hovering uncertainly over her shoulder.

 

“Is… is it bad that I don’t feel guilty at all for breaking up with Anna?” Castiel asked, his voice smaller than ever.

 

“I don’t know,” Gilda said. “Maybe you should sleep on it, and then re-evaluate?”

 

Castiel’s laugh was hollow. “And you think I’ll still be alive tomorrow morning? Did you see her face? She’s going to kill me.”

 

“No, she won’t,” Charlie said resolutely. “I’m going to talk to Rufus. I think half of the camp heard Anna screaming about how filthy same sex couples were, so I’m going to look into having her… forced to leave the camp on grounds of discrimination. We are one big family, after all. Can’t have people not accepting all of us.”

 

“And if half of the camp isn’t enough, I think just the three of us will be able to get her banned,” Gilda added. “I’ll stay here with you, though, while Charlie goes to Rufus. You _have_ to tell me about the positive religious passages that talk about same sex couples.”

 

Castiel managed a weak smile, and actually went through his research in that respect while Charlie was gone. It didn’t take long for her to return, though, and she was wearing a huge grin.

 

“It was even better than I thought,” she started. “So Anna was there already, and she was talking to Rufus about how sinful his camp was, and how she didn’t understand that he was permitting ‘the gays’ to infiltrate and to use their propaganda on the children. It was hilarious. Can you imagine Rufus getting up, and just… looking down at her, and then calmly say, ‘Did you just insult me?’ No? I can imagine, but that was exactly what happened. Apparently Rufus is bisexual. No biggie right? But Anna was actually cowering in a corner by then. So I basically only had to deliver the final blow, and maaaaan, that was fun.”

 

Charlie quickly came up for breath and then resumed talking at full speed. “I just cleared my throat and started talking about how I heard her screaming all over, and I just felt that it was unfair, because she didn’t know how it was, et cetera et cetera… and then she has the gall to suggest it was all a setup, and that Gilda and I were waiting for her to run out?” Charlie was almost wheezing with laughter by now. “I mean… it would have been a great performance, but I don’t think you knew how Anna was going to react, and honestly, Gilda and I were just coming in to visit you, and we didn’t know Anna would be there. We could also have walked in holding hands, and that wouldn’t have made any difference.

 

“Anyway, I defended my point, she defended hers, but Rufus was on my side, of course. Then Anna said she wanted Sam and Dean in as well, because they also had jurisdiction and they were being excluded. So I went to find Dean and Sam and I wasn’t allowed to tell them anything because Rufus had to do that, but I was red in the face from keeping in my laughter so I think they already had a vague idea that it was something that they were not to take too seriously. So, Sam and Dean come into the tent as well, Rufus filled them in on the situation, and then they were asked to speak to join one of the sides of the debate. Dean was fastest, and he was on my side, of course, even though Anna was looking at him like she wanted to devour him alive. In the sexy way, not the ‘I-hate-you’ way. And Sam… Sam just shrugged and said that whatever choice he made, the decision was already made. So, Rufus decided that basically her having to leave the camp was a good idea, and she’ll be dropped off at the nearest village in the morning. That was it.”

 

Castiel’s head was reeling but he understood the verdict. Not only had he broken up with his girlfriend, he had also managed to get said girlfriend banished from the camp. He never knew he had it in him.

 

Castiel couldn’t explain why exactly he felt so sad but he was glad to have Charlie and Gilda and Dean and Sam around. When it came to Anna’s expulsion from the camp, it turned out that most of the camp disliked her ideas. The few that didn’t mind or agreed with her ideas were quiet and just didn’t speak up about it. Castiel was glad for it because his guilt was skyrocketing even without them or anyone else for that matter blaming him for what happened to Anna.

 

“Oh, Castiel,” Charlie suddenly piped up, breaking Castiel’s reverie. “You have a letter, and Rufus asked me to give it to you. He also warned me that I should keep an eye on you while you were reading it. He specifically added that you should not judge before you got to the end of it.”

 

Castiel looked at Charlie with apprehension in his eyes, but she smiled encouragingly when she handed it over.

 

“It was something about forgiveness and starting to forgive yourself. Don’t panic, okay?” Charlie said. Castiel and Charlie were alone for now, but Castiel knew for a fact that Dean would be coming over later, and that Sam would probably join them too. He sighed when he unfolded the letter, and then started reading.

_Dear Castiel,_

_Don’t panic when you get this. I asked Rufus if I could do this, and he approved of it. I just wanted you to know that I still feel bad about everything I’ve done. I didn’t want to bring it up before, but Dean was quite forceful in interrupting us, and now that I have thought about it, I think he was right. I wasn’t feeling okay at all, and I might have projected that on you._

_I want to tell you that I feel sorry that I forced you to take up the consequences of my actions, and I wish it had been different. I wish I hadn’t done what I did, but that’s too late. Can’t change that now, can I? Most I can do is hope for your forgiveness. I think you are still blaming yourself, and you really shouldn’t do that. I’m serious, Castiel. Stop it._

_Also, get rid of Anna, please. I think you’re proud of yourself for getting together with someone, but she’s the literal worst. I know what she’s done, she’s been in prison with me, and it’s not pretty. It’s worse than what I did, and she would probably have gotten more than a life sentence if they had unearthed all the details. It’s horrible, Castiel. You will be better off without her. She has escaped, just like I did, but she doesn’t deserve it. Especially if she continues her streak._

_Anyway, that’s that, I think. Don’t feel bad for me, I deserve to be in prison, and I understand that. I’ll go back, and I’ll feel just a bit lighter for the fact that I have at least told you this. Once again, I hope you’ll forgive me and yourself – it’s not your fault, Castiel, and it was never your fault. I did stuff wrong, and I take responsibility for me and my stupid actions. Accept that. I know I won’t see you again, and I accept that._

_Be well, Castiel, and try to love your life once more._

_Balthazar_

_P.S.: Okay I just thought of this and I had to include it, hope you act on it. All those looks, and that protectiveness… Go get him, tiger. He loves you too._

 

Castiel didn’t know how to react. He was angry that Balthazar had written to him and still tried to push his point. He was relieved that Balthazar didn’t seem to be angry. He was confused over the last part – even though he kind of suspected what it was about.

 

All in all, he had mixed feelings about it, literally, and when Charlie looked at him with an expectant look on her face, he sighed.

 

“I don’t know what to tell you, Charlie,” Castiel said.

 

“Tell me what’s in the letter?”

 

“It’s… from Balthazar,” Castiel finally said. “He… he asked me to forgive him, or try to forgive myself, at least. And he says some… disturbing stuff about Anna. He’s apologising about everything.”

 

“But you still feel guilty about it?”

 

“Of course I do, Charlie,” Castiel snapped. “It’s quite hard to forgive yourself when your actions led to a paedophile… to Balathazar doing what he did, you know.”

 

Charlie winced. “I get that, but _you_ didn’t do it. Give me the letter, I want to read it too.”

 

“Please… ignore the P.S. Charlie,” Casiel said, and he blushed. “It’s rather personal, and I’m not sure what to do with it.”

 

“And you don’t want me reading it either to help you with it?”

 

“I’d rather not, Charlie,” Castiel said. “Please.”

 

She nodded her assent, and then started reading. She hummed and made some weird noises in her throat while reading but when she was finished, she had a smile on her face.

 

“Castiel, really. Why are you angry at the poor man?” She asked.

 

“The fact that he wrote to me?” Castiel shrugged. “It’s hard to get over, is all.”

 

“He’s trying to get you to forgive him, and you’re not even trying. You are not trying at all, and you _haven’t_ been trying in the last few years, you know. You should just try it. And if it doesn’t work, well, then you just read this letter again, and then you decide that Balthazar is actually taking responsibility in this letter, so you can stop being so hard on yourself.”

 

Castiel looked at Charlie. “I don’t… I don’t think I _can_. I have been hard on myself for the past… no, my whole _life_ , I can’t just drop it because the person who got me into trouble is now saying that it’s not my fault. My brain just doesn’t work that way. It didn’t come with an off switch.”

 

“I know,” Charlie said softly. “Oh, Castiel, I know. You think you are the only one with problems, but that’s not true at all. _Everyone_ here has problems, and most of us try to get past that to live their new lives. I told you this the first night you were here. Now we’re months further, almost a year even, and you are still stuck with exactly the same issues. You told me that you were working on it, and I know I said I’d help if you wanted to, but you never came to me for help. We could have talked about this, about these issues, and at least helped you see what exactly your issues are.”

 

Castiel turned away from her. “I know you want to help, Charlie, but… it’s my burden to bear.”

 

“Oh stop that, Castiel,” another voice added, and Castiel looked over his shoulder to see Dean, who had just stepped into the tent. “We all know that you are worth way more than you think you are.”

 

Castiel smiled weakly but didn’t move at all, just clutched his knees to his chest and burrowed deeper into the blankets on his bed. Both Charlie and Dean looked at him in concern but Castiel just shook his head.

 

Charlie quickly filled him in on the letter, and Dean bristled at it at first, but then relaxed.

 

“So Balthazar is finally owning up to his crimes and he’s asking Castiel to forgive himself, and maybe also forgive Balthazar in the long run, right?” Dean asked.

 

“That’s about it, yeah. Balthazar also asked him to break up with Anna, but that’s not really that relevant any more,” Charlie answered. Castiel let them talk on and on about the letter without paying any attention to it. He just didn’t care any more. He wished he would just be left alone so that he could wallow in misery and then lock it far away and try to forget about it. With them around and them forcing him to talk about his feelings, Castiel didn’t know if he could even try to get past his issues.

 

Charlie left soon after, and Castiel was just in the tent with Dean now. He felt nervous as this was the first time he and Dean were in the same location with just the two of them since he had broken up with Anna. He didn’t know what to do.

“Castiel, what did Balthazar mean by his P.S.?” Dean asked, Castiel’s mattress dipping in with Dean’s weight. Castiel flushed.

 

“You were not supposed to read that,” Castiel whispered. “It was personal, and you should have asked to read the letter in the first place. It’s rude to not have asked.”

 

Dean acquiesced and dropped it. Castiel didn’t really know why Balthazar put his P.S. in anyway. The only reasons he could possibly think up was that it was because Balthazar wanted to screw with his head, or because what he wrote in the P.S. was true. Castiel didn’t know if it was or wasn’t a common occurrence for Dean to be so protective, or what looks he was talking about. Castiel didn’t want to think about it, anyway. His last and only relationship had been a disaster, or close to one, and he wasn’t ready to think about a new one, however much he actually wanted said relationship. He just couldn’t, and he didn’t want to talk to Dean about it.

 

In the end, Dean was better company than Charlie. Castiel knew that Dean also wanted to talk about the issues Balthazar addressed, but he was polite about it, and mostly kept his silence. There was one moment where he did try to raise a point, and Castiel was sort of glad for that. The silence had begun to feel rather oppressive, and a new type of tension was setting in.

 

“Castiel, did you know that Balthazar was in the same prison as Anna had been in?”

 

“No, I didn’t know which prison Balthazar was in at all, because we were sentenced separately and we weren’t allowed to talk. Not that I would have wanted to talk to Balthazar, but you get the idea. And Anna never talked to me about anything personal like that. She just… I never figured out if she just rolled into it, or if she was freed by you and decided to join.”

 

“Do you _want_ to know?”  


Castiel took a deep breath. “I think I have to know now. Balthazar’s letter will be haunting my mind as it is, but the part about Anna has me really worried, and I just keep thinking of stuff that is worse than paedophilia. I just… can’t imagine anything worse, basically.”

 

“Oh, Anna was definitely worse. She impersonated nuns all the time, and talked to married couples as a kind of counselling. Most of the couples she visited had just become parents for the first time, and they were struggling with the whole idea of parenthood, and how to juggle life and a child and a relationship and family… You know, the whole jazz. She would talk to them for hours, and then she’d leave and come back the next week to talk to the wife and the husband separately. She’d talk to the wife first, and then send her to a little café close by to relax for about an hour while she’d help their husband.” Dean winced. “She didn’t help them, really. She just got the husbands to fuck her, and then she would kill the husband. And if that wasn’t enough, she’d steal the baby, and leave the corpse of the baby on the widow’s doorstep a week later.”

 

Castiel swallowed. “I didn’t… I didn’t think she would be that bad. She seems so normal though…”  


“That was her whole trademark idea, though,” Dean said grimly. “When the wives told the investigators that Anna had been there, Anna could just smile prettily and say that everything had been fine when she left to get the husband’s wife, and the investigators would believe her.”

 

“How did she get caught, then?” Castiel asked, curiosity winning over disgust.

 

“One investigator took an interest in the fact that there were a lot of wives describing Anna after the murder of their husbands, and that there was a certain plan she always seemed to follow. He managed to get a couple to play bait for Anna, and they witnessed witness what Anna was going to do. He stopped her just in time, and there was enough evidence for a very solid case against her. She was in for life apparently, but she managed to escape, and she hid in a village until she saw us, and then she decided to tag along with us.” Dean took a deep breath. “Rufus found her diary, in which she detailed everything, basically. It is standard procedure since the last person who got left behind hid some spies in the camp before leaving.” Dean looked down, and licked his lips. “I regret it, her staying near you at all. I think you were going to be her next victim, but you were taking too long. Her modus operandi has changed radically. She can’t kill children here, but having people commit suicide wouldn’t be… rare here. She would have strangled you after sex.”

 

Castiel shuddered. “How do you know?”

 

“She wrote about it,” Dean whispered. “She wrote about it in her diary, and we… Sam and I suspected that something was wrong with her. She had been writing about you for a long time, possibly since you came into the camp for the first time. They were all fantasies of how she was going to seduce you. She would have taken sick pleasure in getting you to break your celibacy vows, and then getting to kill you. She was so very much bad news… I’m glad it’s all over now.”

 

Castiel nodded. “I can second that opinion.”

 

Dean gave him a weak smile, and put his arms around himself. “Anna always gave me the shivers, and you… you actually being with her… that was horrible.” Dean sniffed. “I was always concerned about you… I knew she had a special interest in you, but it was… _horror_ to actually see the two of you together. It always made me wonder when would be the last time I saw you. I just… I had such a bad feeling about her, and it doesn’t even feel good to be right about that.”

 

Castiel felt bad for Dean, and scooted over to the far edge of his bed. He held the blankets up and motioned for Dean to join him under them. When Dean did, Castiel put his arms around Dean.

 

“I get that you were concerned, especially if you knew what Anna wanted to do. Can you let go of that guilt and concern?”

 

“Now that Anna is gone, like, completely out of the picture, I think I can,” Dean mumbled into Castiel’s chest. “Does that mean that you will try to let go of all the frustration you hold against Balthazar?”

 

Castiel sighed. “I think I’m going to try at least. I owe him that, and it has… diminished the last few years. It was more like a constant simmer rather than the boiling rage I experienced in the beginning.”

 

Dean smiled into Castiel’s chest, and it made his chest feel a little tighter. Castiel liked holding Dean. Dean was pleasantly warm, and it made Castiel feel tingly to hold him. He wished this all didn’t have to end, and that they could remain in the cuddly position forever, but Castiel knew it couldn’t be like that. They couldn’t be together like that as long as Castiel was still a monk. He closed his eyes and relaxed as Dean managed to drape an arm over Castiel’s waist. This was what peace felt like, and whatever Dean and he were to each other, friends or more, it didn’t matter in that time. They were just at peace.

 


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there, and I think I'll finish posting tomorrow :)

#  [[Chapter 14]]

“Keep searching for your destiny

And you will find all that will set you free

Keep searching for your legacy

And you will find all answers undoubtedly

Keep looking forward endlessly

To evolve and unite the world to become one piece”

~ _Ascension – Dream State Armageddon_ – Epica

 

The next morning, Castiel woke up warm and happy but confused. He didn’t know where he was, and it took him some time before he realised that he was in his own tent, and that the source of his warmth was Dean, who was plastered to his side and had somehow managed to wriggle his arms around Castiel during the night. Castiel smiled at Dean, and revelled in how the man looked when he was all relaxed and not worried about anything. It was rare, and Castiel couldn’t remember if he had ever seen Dean like this before. A burst of happiness made its way through his chest and he couldn’t keep back the happy laughter that wanted to leave his lips. He was just really happy, and they weren’t even together. This was just friends cuddling and falling asleep after one of the friends had gone through a majorly bad breakup with his (now ex-)girlfriend and the other had had some very disturbing information on said ex-girlfriend. It was weird, but it was _them_ , and it made Castiel inexplicably happy.

 

He felt Dean stir against him, and looked at him while Dean groggily opened his eyes.

“Good morning, Dean.”

 

“Ghu- what?”

 

Castiel now laughed openly. Dean was beautiful, and Castiel got to see that, got to see him vulnerable and relaxed and…

 

“Why am I in your bed?” Dean asked. He seemed to have woken up more fully now, and an adorable frown adorned his face.

 

“We appear to have fallen asleep together after last night.”

 

Dean groaned. “I’m sorry for whatever I have done.”

 

“You haven’t done a thing, except cuddle me, but I assume that is acceptable.”

 

Dean yawned widely. “Well, at least I slept through the night without kicking you in the face or one of us falling out of the bed, so I’ll count that as a win.” He untangled their legs and let go of Castiel, and then stepped out of bed. “I’m sorry to leave you like this but I… I have to take care of this.” Dean gestured towards his crotch, and Castiel tried not to look but failed miserably, and started blushing fiercely.

 

“Y-yes, Dean,” Castiel stuttered. “Of course. I mean, yeah.”

 

Dean smiled down at Castiel and touched his shoulder for a second. “I’ll be back after all of the strategy meetings I have today, okay?”

 

Castiel nodded, and then Dean left, holding his hands in front of his crotch. Castiel laughed as soon as Dean was out of the tent, but made sure that he couldn’t hear him by muffling his laughter with a pillow. Castiel was glad that they were back on the strange level of friendship they had been floating on before the incident with Lisa. He was also happy to note that he wasn’t angry with Balthazar or Dean any more. He even thought that he might be able to discuss some stuff about the whole Balthazar deal with Charlie today if she came past. But first he would take care of his morning rituals, then get some breakfast, and then he would go and try to meditate again for the first time in weeks. His prayers had been taken care of daily, but he hadn’t felt at ease enough to immerse himself into opening up completely. Now he felt better, and knowing that Dean would return made him less stressed too. Castiel was a bit concerned that Dean would have jumped out of the bed in the morning because he didn’t want to be that close to Castiel. He hadn’t, not for that reason, so Castiel counted that as a win, and it was the positivity that made him want to take his time to meditate.

 

When Charlie returned later on the day, she saw a smiling Castiel, and she was momentarily stunned.

 

“What did I miss yesterday?” She asked suspiciously.

 

“Nothing, really,” Castiel replied. “I just… I realised that I have been very stupid. Dean told me about what Anna had done, and it freaked me out, but it made me feel a lot better, too. Now I can put one of the points in Balthazar’s letter to rest. Anna was a monster. Did you know she was actually planning on having… using me for sex, and then strangling me?”

 

Charlie opened her mouth, but nothing came out, so Castiel took that as a no.

“So, yeah, I think I can let Anna go, and I… weirdly enough, I feel good about it? I’m… lighter. I feel less guilty, I think.”

 

Charlie smiled. “That’s a step in the right direction for sure, Castiel.”

 

“I know. I might also be ready to talk about my anger issues, and my trust issues, and all of the guilt. Just… I don’t know how much I can take now.”

 

“That’s fine,” Charlie said. “We’ll take it at your pace, and we can just stop whenever you want to. What do you want to discuss?”

 

“I think we need to start with my anger because I feel like I can actually talk about that now.”

Castiel took a deep breath. “I mean… I’ve been angry at Balthazar for a long time, and… I was angry because he tried to contact me. When he was physically here, he went after me, and it was scary, even though he had been my best friend once. So when he decided to write me a letter, and… when I read that letter, my very first reaction was to be angry at him again. It felt logical. I didn’t want to talk to him but he still did it anyway, so I… I was angry.”

 

“So your anger was mainly directed at the communication part? Not at actually seeing Balthazar?”

 

“I think so. I… I didn’t think I’d see Balthazar again, so I was mainly shocked that he was there, and that might have… pushed any other feelings away?” Castiel sounded unsure, and he _was_ unsure. He couldn’t really remember anything but the shock that had completely frozen his system. Maybe not just the shock, but also a bit of fear.

 

“Okay,” Charlie said. “That’s clear, then. And you are trying to get past that?”

 

“I actually realised this morning that I was already over that,” Castiel said sheepishly. “It’s… weird, I don’t think I can explain it, but Dean said something to me yesterday, about how he could let go of issues once they weren’t pressing or present anymore, and I think that might be helping me too. I mean, I know Balthazar is in prison, and I have been angry at him for a long time, but it won’t hurt him even though I wanted it to hurt. I’m also not helping anyone by being angry. It… I think that is why I’m so calm about it now. I still have deeper feelings, but the ones on the forefront of my mind have been calmed down a bit now.”

 

Charlie nodded. “That’s one issue almost down already.” Then she snorted as she realised something. “Dean talked about his feelings with you? How did you get him to do that? He’s allergic to feelings!”

 

“I don’t know.” Castiel shrugged. “We were just talking, and it came up and he didn’t shy away from it.”

 

“I think you should be doing these counselling sessions with Dean too, then.”

 

“Why?” Castiel looked at Charlie enquiringly. “Simply because he opens up to me?”

 

“No, I mean, yes. Not only because he opens up to you. You feel obviously comfortable with him, just like with me. I just think that Dean made a start with it yesterday, and if you talk through it with him, it might make it easier to also discuss it with me.”

 

Castiel mulled that over. “I think you might be right. Dean and I don’t talk a lot, though. It’s mainly just… sitting in silence.”

 

“Sitting in silence and then Dean not leaving your tent for the night, yes.”

 

Castiel flushed. “I…”

 

Charlie took pity on him. “It’s not a bad thing. I know you are just friends, Castiel. Dean seems to feel the need to tell me that every time he comes out of your tent all flushed and with bright eyes. It’s just… I like teasing him about it, and you are an easy target as well.”

 

“We are just friends,” Castiel said quietly. “Last night, we were talking and Dean was cold, so we cuddled, and then we fell asleep.”

 

“Was it awkward in the morning? Most mornings with Dean are pretty awkward.”

 

“It wasn’t awkward at all,” Castiel said. His voice was still low, but he felt the words resonate within himself. “It was very comfortable.”

 

Charlie just stared at him while Castiel looked down to his lap again.

 

“Are you sure the two of you aren’t together?” Charlie asked after a few minutes of silence.

 

“I’m pretty sure I’d know if we were, Charlie.”

 

She sighed. “It’s just… you sound just like me when you talk about Dean. I talk about Gilda exactly the same, and we are… I mean, you know that we are in a committed relationship. Sometimes it is just weird to see that you aren’t yet, apparently.”

 

“It’s not that I don’t _want_ to,” Castiel said. “It’s just… It has been only been a few days since Anna, Charlie. It’s just weird. And I… I don’t feel ready to commit yet. Not to anyone, not even to Dean.”

 

“Have you told him this, Castiel?” Charlie asked quietly.

 

“No, there was no need.” Castiel looked Charlie in the eye. “Did you know that when Balthazar came into the camp, Rufus forced Dean and I to talk to each other?”

 

“No?”

 

“Well… I was still in a relationship with Anna, but being with Dean felt so comfortable, even after that massive fallout. We talked through what happened and it was fine. It was more than fine, it felt like _home_. And I just knew then… I knew there was more. It’s… it’s weird, I guess, and I’m not really over it, but…” Castiel trailed off and looked away.

 

“What?”  


“We were in the forest, and it was very quiet. We were sitting close together and I don’t know how it happened, but… we almost kissed. Then it was awkward, and I had to tell him about Anna. Everything was weird after, until… Well, not everything was awkward, but we were less… it was different. We were friends but we felt we had to pretend we weren’t more than that, both of us.”

 

Charlie looked like she didn’t know what to say. “So you told him to bugger off?”  


“I didn’t. I told him I couldn’t, because I was in a committed relationship with Anna, which Dean didn’t know about yet. And it was awkward, but it felt like the right decision at the time. Just letting it go, and not having to explain to Anna that I was one of the people she so very much hated.”

 

Charlie’s impression of a fish out of the water was spot on. “You knew that she didn’t support same sex couples and that was why you didn’t do anything with Dean?”

 

“No, Charlie,” Castiel gently scolded. “I was in a _relationship_. It didn’t matter who it would have been with, my moral compass says I can’t cheat on partners, even if it was just one kiss with Dean.” Castiel looked away. “I regret that very much now.”

 

“But you knew that she didn’t support same sex couples?”

 

“Yes, I did.”

 

“So you… the argument?”  


“Oh, that was very real,” Castiel said. “It was just… I steered her into that direction. Since that night with Dean, I knew Anna wasn’t who I wanted to be with. She was trying to force me to have sex with her, and I just… I didn’t feel comfortable with that any more. But I just… we would be discussing a controversial topic in school. I knew she would disagree, and that she would be angry. I would just mention that she insulted my friends, and then I would break it off. She made it easier, and you made the surprise but very well timed appearance, and it was more than enough.”

 

“So you… were doing it on purpose?”

 

“Not… really? Kind of though. That is probably why I felt so guilty about it.”

 

“Have you let go of that guilt somehow? You are using the past tense there.”

 

Castiel chuckled. “I did. Hearing that she was planning to kill me kind of took away any and all guilt I had for dropping her like a stone. If I had stayed with her, I would have been dead by now, so I basically think that I saved my own life.”

 

“Dean would have been there for you, though,” Charlie whispered.

 

“Yes, that is true,” Castiel amended. “But please let me just revel in my guilt-free conscience for a second here. Neither Dean nor I knew about Anna’s plans, nor did Dean know that I was planning to break up with her anyway.”

 

Charlie chuckled. “It’s good to know that you have each other’s backs. So… when did you realise that you were in love with Dean?”  


Castiel fell silent. Was he in love with Dean? Was that what the feeling was? Love? He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. He didn’t know.

‘I… You have… I haven’t thought about it yet.” An edge of panic appeared in his voice, and he wanted to look anywhere but Charlie. “I don’t know?”

 

“You don’t know if what you are feeling is love?” Charlie asked, and Castiel nodded. She got a dreamy look in her eyes. “It’s when you… when you feel happy when you think about them, and when you want to be near them all of the time. It’s when you fight, and you want to make it up immediately because you can’t stand the anger. It’s when you cry into your pillow at night because you are so happy, and when your heart tries to escape your body if they snuggle up with you. It’s waking up next to them and being ecstatic about being able to watch them sleep… It’s not wanting to leave them and always wanting to return to them. That’s love.”

 

What Charlie said fitted much of what Castiel had been experiencing. “Then… it must be love,” Castiel whispered, and Charlie hugged him.

 

“That doesn’t matter, Castiel,” she said. “It’s good to know, but if you don’t want a relationship with Dean right now, you don’t have to tell him that you feel that way. You can wait until you are ready, and then ease your way into a relationship. I know what Balthazar’s final note was about, Castiel, and Balthazar is completely right. Dean feels exactly the same, and you might know that already, but please, please don’t push yourself or Dean into the relationship without wanting to be there yet. Take all the time you need. It will make it all better on you.”

 

Castiel hugged Charlie back. “You are a great well of good advice, Charlie.”

 

Both of them laughed, and they spent the day just reading. Castiel felt more settled now than he had when he was with Anna, and the realisation that he _loved_ Dean, that he was _in love_ with Dean, had shook his world, but in the best way possible. It made his chest feel light, and his stomach felt as if a thousand butterflies were fluttering away inside of him. He was happy, ecstatic even, and the feeling wouldn’t budge at all. Castiel hoped it would stay for a long time.


	16. Chapter 15

#  [[Chapter 15]]

“Shine on silver from the sky into the night

Gaia shivers and I need your leading light”

~ _Moonlight_ – Kamelot

 

The next morning, Castiel woke with that same happy feeling in his chest. Dean had visited him the day before, and they had just talked. Castiel had told Dean about what Charlie’s idea of counselling, and Dean agreed quietly, like he was still unsure but didn’t want it to show to Castiel. They didn’t really talk after, just found peace in being together again. Castiel didn’t tell Dean about how the realisation that he had come to: that he was in love with Dean. After his talk with Charlie, Castiel had done some introspection, and had decided to face the challenge of telling Dean later, and try not to fret too much before he did. Dean was being sent away on another prison run anyway, and it was further away this time around. He would be gone closer to a month – and Castiel was mentally preparing himself for dealing with Dean’s prolonged absence. Dean wasn’t even gone yet.

 

Castiel groaned. His thoughts had successfully managed to get him down already and the day hadn’t really begun. He was going back to teaching today, and he didn’t want his own mood to affect the children. Going back to teaching would be difficult for Castiel, because of how much he had associated it with Anna. But finding out about Anna’s past and her most likely motives didn’t make him feel completely guilty for taking Anna away from the children. She hadn’t been a large part of the children’s lives, and so Castiel hoped few would miss her.

 

He started smiling. Now that he thought about it, he had a good day in front of him: the school and the amazing children he had the honour of teaching, and Dean would be coming over later. Happiness filled his chest again, and he managed to get through the day just a little bit easier.

The evening came just a bit too soon, and Dean and Castiel filled it too easily with light chatter and some more serious talk. They tried to talk through some of Castiel’s many regrets, but Castiel just kept going down the same roads and couldn’t break the circle. Dean put a soothing hand on Castiel’s forearm.

 

“We’ll get there, Castiel.”

 

Castiel sent back a watery smile, but accepted that Dean believed in him. Dean sighed and looked away.

 

“I do have to go to sleep soon,” Dean said with regret clear in his voice. Castiel really didn’t want Dean to leave but this was official camp business, and Dean couldn’t put that off because Castiel was being clingy.

 

“Will you stay with me?” Castiel said without thinking about it. He put the palm of his hand to his face, and looked down. “Just… just for tonight?”

 

Dean just gaped and barely managed a “What?”

 

Castiel fidgeted. Now he… he couldn’t hide it for much longer but he had to. He also needed to clarify what he’d just said.

 

“I mean… like… Will you sleep with me in the same bed tonight?” Castiel winced. That sounded even worse. “Last… last time, when we accidentally fell asleep… I never slept so well as I did that night.”

 

Dean was still speechless, but his face showed some of his thoughts. He looked hopeful and happy, and there was a soft emotion that shone through which Castiel didn’t even dare to guess and give a name for fear of getting his own hopes up.

 

“I’d… I’d like that,” Dean whispered. “Castiel…”

 

They were once again dangerously close to a romantic moment, and this time around Castiel didn’t want to stop it, not even accidentally. He knew he didn’t plan on revealing his love for Dean yet, but even without wanting a relationship… How was he to know if it would work out? Castiel chided himself and then concentrated on Dean again. Their faces were so close that the smallest of breezes could have pushed them together.

 

Then someone stumbled just outside of Castiel’s tent and cursed loudly, and the moment was gone. They seemed to come back to themselves and Dean scratched the back of his neck sheepishly while Castiel just looked away.

 

“We… I think we might need to talk about… this,” Castiel said shakily.

 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, his voice still breathy.

 

“After you return from that prison run?” Castiel asked, feeling uncomfortable. What if Dean said no? What if he wanted to discuss it all at that exact moment?  


“I… Yes. That would give the both of us some time to think about what we might want.”

 

“That’s… a good idea.” Castiel almost sighed in relief. He didn’t need any time to think, but he wanted to be with Dean and not spend his or their first month together wondering if Dean was going to return.

 

“Do you still want me to stay here?” Dean asked. “I can imagine that you have changed your mind about it now.”

 

Castiel shook his head. “That doesn’t change a thing. Just… don’t wake me up in the morning because you are masturbating, okay?”

 

Dean laughed softly. “I’ll try. Are you ready to go to bed? I feel like I could drop off any second now.”

 

Castiel smiled back at Dean. “Yes, let’s go to bed.”

 

The two of them quietly undressed, keeping their eyes strictly to themselves, and then got into the bed. Dean put his arms around Castiel and pulled him closer.

 

“Is… is this okay?” Dean asked. “Or is this just making everything more awkward?”

 

“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel answered. “Stop worrying and go to sleep.”

 

Dean hummed, and pulled Castiel even closer, and that was exactly how they fell asleep – closer together than they had been before.

 

***

 

The next morning was only slightly awkward. They had managed to push down the blankets during the night, and when Castiel woke up, he was shivering. He burrowed back into Dean’s warmth, and then felt Dean’s erection press against his leg. Castiel didn’t know what to do, so he wriggled away again and decided that the time was decent enough to actually get up. He got out of Dean’s arms, threw the blanket back over Dean (who was now snuggling up with the pillow instead of with Castiel), and got dressed.

 

When he deemed it time for Dean to wake up, he put his cold hands on Dean’s face, and moved the blanked over to the end of the bed. Dean woke up slowly, groaning, and tried to reach for the blanket, but Castiel didn’t let him.

 

“Ca-as,” Dean groaned. “Leave me be.”

 

Castiel blinked at the abbreviation of his name but decided that it was fine for now, at least, and ignored Dean’s attempts to go back to sleep.

 

“I’ve got coffee and breakfast for you, Dean.”

 

Even that didn’t get anything more out of Dean than groans and moans. “How early is it?”

 

“It’s not even early anymore. It’s like, 9-ish?” Castiel said. “I don’t know what time you are supposed to leave, but I can imagine that you’ll want to prepare some things still as you didn’t have the time to do so yesterday.”

 

Dean groaned once more, and then sat up. “Give me the coffee.”

 

“What do we say then?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Castiel, will you please give me the coffee?”

 

“Tone down the sarcasm next time, and you’ll be served even quicker.” Castiel handed Dean the cup of coffee, and also put the breakfast tray on the bed.

 

“Don’t get any crumbs in my bed,” he warned. “I’m going to see Charlie for a bit. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Castiel was trying to give Dean space for his morning business and the appreciative smile Castiel saw on Dean’s face made at least part of his day. He quickly left the tent in search of Charlie to talk to until half an hour was over.

 

When Castiel returned to the tent, he saw that Dean was already standing outside of it, and he looked like he had freshened himself up.

 

“I’ll have to go get packing. I’ll see you before I leave, right?” Dean asked.

 

“Of course. What time will you be leaving?”

 

“In two hours, I guess.”

 

Castiel nodded. “I’ll be there, then.” Once again, the two of them just smiled at each other, and then went their separate ways.

 

Castiel tried to meditate but he was nervous, unable to achieve the calm he needed. He did, however, send off a few quick prayers for Dean’s safety and the safety of the other members of his party. He prayed that Dean might return to him in one piece, and that their talks upon his return would go well.

 

When the time came for them to say their goodbyes, Castiel felt overemotional. He wasn’t going to cry, but it was a close call, and it was better because this time around he had a promise that they would be talking about their feelings once Dean returned. That was a good promise, and it would help him tide over the time when Dean wasn’t there to talk to.

 

Dean hadn’t yet gotten on his horse, Impala. Castiel smiled and patted her nose. He still liked her, still thought of her with fond memories. He could ride a horse now, but Impala had been the one to teach him, alongside with Dean. Dean cleared his throat to get Castiel’s attention.

 

“We need to leave soon. We really need to make it to our first check point on time, Castiel.”

 

They smiled at each other awkwardly, and then both of them went in for a hug at the same time.

“I’ll miss you, Dean,” Castiel whispered in Dean’s ear. Dean’s arms tightened around Castiel, and he nodded.

 

“I’ll miss you too. I’m looking forward to our talk.”

 

Castiel grinned. “Are you sure about that? You’ll have to talk about your feelings, you know.”

 

“I know. But it will be with you, and that is what makes the difference.” Dean kissed Castiel’s forehead, and then slowly let go of the other man. “I’ll see you in a month’s time.”

 

Castiel blushed. “I’ll see you then.”

 

Dean mounted Impala, and saluted Castiel, while the rest of the riders had already mounted their horses and set off. Dean stayed just a second longer to stare at Castiel and Castiel stared right back, before lifting his hand in a wave. With that, Dean turned around, and drove his heels into Impala’s flanks to get her moving quickly. Dean needed to catch up with the other riders, so Impala had to work just the tiniest bit harder than she normally had to.

 

Castiel stared at Dean’s retreating back, and then Charlie startled him.

“Sooo… are the two of you together now? It was just shy of a very disturbing public display of affection, Castiel.”

 

Castiel blushed. “We’re not together.”  


“Then why are you ogling his ass like it’s nobody’s business when everyone is standing next to you?”

 

Castiel’s face turned even more red. “I…”

 

Charlie laughed. “I was actually just kidding, but did I just stumble across some great big secret?”

 

“I’d rather not… talk about it.” Castiel felt uncomfortable and luckily Charlie picked up on that.

“We are so going to talk about this, Castiel. Let’s go to your tent and talk right now.”

 

Castiel followed her and Gilda meekly to his tent, and sat down on the still unmade bed. Charlie sat on his left side and Gilda on his right, and they crowded in.

 

“So, tell us everything about it!” Charlie said enthusiastically. “What did you do? What did you not do? How are you still not together after… that?”

 

“Charlie,” Gilda admonished. “Please. Let the man talk for himself.”

 

That shut Charlie up, and Castiel looked at the both of them before starting to talk. “There’s not a lot, really. It’s just that Dean and I have agreed to talk after he returns. He… There seems to be more. More than just friendship, I mean.”

 

“What spurred this decision? And why that frigging dirty hug with the ear whispering if you didn’t want people to think you’re a couple?”

 

“I… It was awkward again yesterday. We almost kissed _again_ , but some… some assbutt managed to fall just outside of the tent and killed the moment. And...” Castiel started blushing again. “I kind of asked Dean to sleep in my bed.”

 

“Ooohhhh,” Charlie said. “That’s juicy.”

 

“So, did you two talk about anything at all?” Gilda asked, ignoring Charlie. “I mean, Charlie is kind of right. You two looked very much like a couple just there.”

 

“We… we really didn’t. It’s just… comfortable, I guess. And we both act on it.”

 

“Does he know you love him yet?” Gilda wasn’t going to let it go, but at least Charlie knew that she had to be quiet now.

 

“I… I haven’t told him yet.” Castiel frowned. Maybe he _should_ have said something to Dean before he left, just in case something happened between now and them coming back.

 

“You don’t have to yet,” Gilda quickly assured him. “I was just wondering. He… he looks at you like you are his whole world, and you look back exactly the same… it’s so…”

 

“Romantic,” Charlie said.

 

“I like that,” Castiel admitted. “I would love to be romantically involved with Dean.”

 

Charlie and Gilda smiled at each other. “Well, if the two of you have agreed to talk, then that will probably be happening sooner rather than later. You’ll be fine, Castiel,” Charlie said, now more serious than before. “Just remember that Balthazar was right, and you’ll be alright.”

 

She and Gilda got up, patted him on the shoulders, and then left.

 

Castiel was left to his own devices for now, and he mulled Charlie’s words over. She seemed to know more about Dean which was only logical because they were best friends too. _Just remember that Balthazar was right_. Castiel clung to that little fact. He would need it in the coming month, to deal with Dean’s absence and to think about how to broach that specific topic with Dean.


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Only an epilogue (and an alternative end) to go :)

#  [[Chapter 16]]

“You cut me down to size

And opened up my eyes

Made me realize

What I could not see”

~ _Swallowed in the Sea_ – Coldplay

 

The month flew by. Everything was different this time around. Castiel knew that Dean was coming back to him, and he knew that Charlie and Gilda were there for him in the meantime. He knew that Dean wasn’t mad at him, and there was no weird girlfriend to take into account. During the month that Dean wasn’t in the camp, Castiel thought about how he would be confessing his love for Dean, and how Dean would react. With Charlie believing in Balthazar’s final note, it actually made sense to think that Dean would have a positive reaction, and that was exactly the thought that kept Castiel up on his feet the whole month.

 

Still, despite knowing that everything would probably be great, when the day came that Dean and Sam and the others were scheduled to get back, Castiel was a hot mess. He kept on making so many mistakes that Pamela and Missouri had to take over his classes, and even the children were worried about him. When Missouri sent him back to his tent, Castiel caught the eyes of several children who then proceeded to whisper to the child sitting next to them. It was off-putting, and Castiel didn’t know if he was happy that he was being sent home, but he was glad that someone was taking over and making sure that the children would be okay. Soon after getting to his tent, Charlie joined him, and she tried to soothe his frayed nerves.

 

“Castiel, it will be fine. You will be fine. Dean is going to come back today, and you’re going to fall into his arms and you’ll profess your undying love for him. He will look you straight in the eye and confess that he has felt exactly the same since you arrived and that he never wants to part from you again. Then you’ll kiss, do the do if you want to and feel up to it, and you’ll sort everything out and actually be a couple.”

 

Castiel chuckled weakly. “I don’t… I don’t think that’s how it will go, but I’ll indulge in your fantasy for now. Just… Would you… would you please go and ask him to come here?” Castiel asked, suddenly nervous. “I’m… I’m afraid of doing something I’d regret very much.”

 

“Such as? Kissing him in public?” Charlie asked. She was joking, of course, but Castiel still nodded.

 

“I’m really not ready for that yet. The public part, that is. So I’d like… I’d just like him and me to be alone for a few hours or something, to talk through everything and make sure that we are on the same page. That we both think that we are in a relationship.”

 

Charlie nodded. “I’ll make sure he gets here right away. Rufus will have to wait, or just… have to do with Sam’s report.”

 

“Thank you, Charlie,” Castiel said gratefully. “Now, if you don’t mind… I’d like to do some meditation before I actually go out of my mind with the nerves.”

 

“Of course, Castiel.” Charlie smiled. “Remember that everything will be okay. He’ll be here soon.” With that, she left the tent and Castiel was on his own once more. He took a deep breath, and shoved all of his worries aside to relax once more.

 

He was startled out of his meditation by the appearance of two green eyes in front of his own. He took a few minutes to come back to himself and then smiled.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

“Heya, Castiel,” Dean said, a smile gracing his features as well.

 

“How did it go?”

 

“Pretty well, considering.”

 

“Considering what?”

 

“First time, new place… we busted out more people than we normally do.” Dean shrugged. “There were a lot of factors. And…” Dean started blushing now. “And I just wanted to come home to you, so I… I wasn’t at my best, really.”

 

Castiel grinned. “I was sent home today because I was distracted and Missouri and Pamela apparently thought that I wasn’t able to handle the children any more today. They were right.”

 

They looked at each other, and then both looked away. The silence they shared was comfortable, and Castiel thought on how he should start off the topic they obviously wanted and needed to talk about. He decided to just jump in. Dean didn’t look like he was going to be talking any time soon, seemingly content to just gaze in Castiel’s eyes.

 

“So… we need to discuss _this_.” Castiel gestured at the two of them. “I have the feeling that this might be… uncomfortable. I know how you are when it comes to talking about feelings, Dean.”

 

“Yes, but still… I… We need to discuss it.”

 

Castiel smiled. “I think it’s… You have been wanting to kiss me, right?” Dean nodded, and Castiel moved closer to Dean. “I have been wanting to kiss you, too.”

 

They stared at each other for a few more seconds before Dean closed the distance between the two of them, and pressed their lips together. It was a soft, chaste kiss, but it felt a million times better than any of Castiel’s kisses with Anna had ever felt. It was… humble and loving and Castiel loved it. When they broke the kiss, Castiel held out his hand to Dean, and they got up together, only to move to the bed. They moved in for another kiss, just as soft as the previous one, but they both relaxed more into it. Dean moved his hand to Castiel’s head and cradled it softly as he guided Castiel into another kiss. They lay down on the bed, still keeping contact at all points. Castiel didn’t want to let Dean go any more, but they still hadn’t talked about it. It was obvious that Balthazar had been right, and that Charlie was right in supporting Balthazar in his statement, but Castiel is starting to feel all… antsy. He needed to talk about it and get it all sorted before the two of them went any further.

 

“Dean… Dean, stop, please,” Castiel said, trying to get Dean to separate from him for a few seconds at least. “I really love you but we need to know where we stand.”

 

Dean looked at Castiel, dumbstruck. “You… you love me?”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Of course I do, you... you assbutt. Why else would I be kissing you like there’s no tomorrow?”

 

“Curiosity?”

 

“Dean. I love you.”

 

Dean chuckled nervously. “I… Me too, Castiel.” He took a deep breath and kissed Castiel on the nose. “I love you too.”

 

Castiel smiled full out now, nose crinkling and gums showing, and he was pretty sure he knew where they stood.

 

“So… Dean Winchester, will you be my boyfriend?”

 

“Yes, I will be your boyfriend, Castiel…” Dean frowned. “I don’t think I remember your last name.”

 

“Novak. But you should call me Cas more often, Dean.”

 

“When did I call you Cas, then? I can’t remember ever calling you Cas, except for the first time we met. You told me that you didn’t do nicknames.”

 

Castiel laughed. “You are the exception. You worked hard for the right to call me Cas instead of my full religious name. So don’t throw it back in my face, okay?”

 

Dean laughed with him, and kissed him quickly on the lips. “So, what do you want to do now, now that you are officially my boyfriend?”

 

“I’d… I’d like to just sleep with you and cuddle, if that’s okay?” Castiel was still hesitant. He knew that Dean wasn’t like Anna, and he knew that Dean understood his issues, but it didn’t soothe all of his nerves. Underneath it all, Castiel would probably always remain a mess, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t work on it with Dean. He _wanted_ to work on it with Dean.

 

Dean hopped out of the bed and helped Castiel off it, as well, and then helped undress the man. When they were just in their underwear, they got back into the bed and burrowed under the covers. They curled up together, and just relaxed.

 

“I’ve been so stupid,” Dean whispered into Castiel’s hair. “I… I probably fell in love the minute I saw you, or the morning after we rescued you. I didn’t want to do anything, because you were a monk and you were upset and unsettled, and you didn’t think you’d ever feel at home again. You had so many issues, but you were still there, and I still fell in love. I just never did anything with it, until… until after Lisa. She had potential to be more, had it not been for you. You made life so much more difficult for me. Not because of the rules, but… because I loved you and you obviously didn’t love me back.”

 

Castiel snorted into Dean’s clavicle. “Oh, Dean… I didn’t realise that I was in love with you until a few days before you left, but there’s always been more between us. When I first walked into your tent… that was uncomfortable but not only because I saw you. It… It stirred something in me, something I hadn’t ever felt before, so I was afraid. I was scared out of my mind, and I didn’t know what to do. Same thing with Lisa. I felt horrible afterwards, and I felt clingy and stupid and… _selfish_. I just wanted you for myself. And never once did I realise throughout that exactly that feeling was love.”

 

“And… Anna, then?” Dean asked quietly.

 

“I… I think I liked her. She was aesthetically pleasing, and I think that drew me to her. I didn’t love her, which was probably also why I was able to leave her like I did. It’s… jarring, I think, to realise through Charlie and Gilda that you are in love with one of your best friends… that _that_ is what you feel, and that it’s so different from what I felt with Anna… Somehow, I’m glad for that, though. I’m glad that Anna was there, and that she was being stupid. She kind of brought us back together, didn’t she?”

 

“She did,” Dean breathed. “But that doesn’t mean that I like her. She also thwarted my first attempt at seducing you after Balthazar.”

 

Castiel actually laughed at that. “She did,” he agreed. “But then again, had I known that she was such a monster, I would have kissed you anyway.”

 

“Don’t neglect your faith for me, Castiel,” Dean said. His face was serious. “I mean, I might not always agree with it, but it is clearly an inherent part of you, and I don’t want you to just drop it because I might dislike it.”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel sighed. It was good to know that Dean respected him for who he was, and that he wouldn’t take his religion from him.

 

“Speaking of Balthazar, how did he know?”

 

“About what, Dean?”

 

“About… me liking you.”

 

“Astute observation? I don’t know, Dean, I didn’t really talk to him about you at all. He must have… seen something.” Castiel frowned. “Something like that protectiveness he mentioned in the letter. Although I think Charlie said that we were being very obvious, and that she wasn’t even shocked that Balthazar saw it in how we acted together. She also mentioned that she was quite shocked to find out we weren’t together?”

 

Dean laughed. “Yes, that is exactly how Charlie is. She knew, didn’t she? She knew before we did, and she didn’t even try to enlighten us.”

 

“Did you… did you confide in her about how you felt?” Castiel asked.

 

“I didn’t. Never talked about feelings to her, except when I was drunk, I think. And the morning after Lisa.”

 

“She might have gotten it out of you anyway. She did with me.”

 

Dean snorted. “Yup. Charlie is very good at reading people.”

 

“She said that she can apply psychology in the strategies,” Castiel said. “I remember saying the exact same to her, and that’s what she told me.”

 

Dean laughed again, and Castiel just looked at him. He couldn’t help it.

 

“You’re beautiful, Dean,” he whispered, and he saw a hint of a blush on Dean’s cheeks. It made him look even more beautiful, more radiant. That was his now, and Castiel couldn’t really believe it yet. He was with Dean, and everything was fine for once, and they were going to be amazing together.

 

“You look pretty good yourself, Cas,” Dean said. Dean’s use of his nickname made a fire glow in his belly. It made him so very happy to see Dean happy, and he didn’t want it to ever end. He kissed Dean on his cheek, and tried to burrow closer to Dean’s warmth. This was real. It was so very real.

 

Dean looked down to Castiel, and saw the happy smile on his face. Both Dean and Castiel were glowing, and it was so stupid how long it had taken before they had gotten together. Still, both Castiel and Dean knew that it would only be harder to tear them apart now. Dean going on prison runs and Castiel teaching… it would be a struggle, but it would be the best struggle for them. They would have to wait for each other, and that would make their love only grow stronger.

 

“I’m tired, Dean,” Castiel complained, smile still fixed on his face. He was warm and cosy and comfortable and he felt his eyes slip closed already.

 

“Then go to sleep, sweetheart,” Dean whispered. “I’ll be here in the morning, and we’ll face the morning when it comes. For now, don’t worry about a thing. Just relax, and close your eyes, and then drift off. You are safe here, and I’ll watch over you.”

 

Castiel smiled drowsily at that, and Dean pressed a soft kiss into Castiel’s hair. It was as if nothing had changed, while at the same time everything had changed. They were so much better now than they were before, and even though they had cuddled as friends and were now cuddling as lovers instead, there was no difference at all between the two. They were already happy together, and that was what counted.


	18. Epilogue

#  [[Epilogue]]

“A union in life, breathing silence together

Walking the stairs that have led us this way

Thinking of how to return to the page

Now that our times run out”

~ _Immortal Melancholy (Acoustic Version)_ – Epica

_One year later_

Castiel was stressed, and Gilda was trying to calm him down, but it didn’t really work. He knew that he was close to hyperventilating.

 

“Castiel!” Gilda scolded. “Stop that. It will be okay. Do I need to get Charlie for you?”  


Castiel shook his head, but remained pacing.

 

“Dude, seriously. Put on that suit, and get ready.”

 

“What if…”

 

“Castiel, what did I just say?” Gilda glared at him. “Stop that. And get the _hell_ in your suit before I kick you out of your own wedding.”

 

Castiel knew that she meant it, and hurriedly put on his suit. He was nervous, very nervous. Today, he and Dean would officially tie the knot, and it was… weird. When he started living in the monastery twenty or so years ago, he said that he never wanted to get married anyway, and here he was now. About half an hour from actually marrying the love of his life. And he was freaked out.

 

Gilda tugged on his tie, and that brought Castiel back to the present.

 

“Are you ready?” she asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Then why did you say yes when he asked you to marry him?”

 

“Because I love him,” Castiel whispered.

 

“And then why aren’t you ready to marry him? It’s all just a ring and that would be about it. Just other people witnessing that you love him, actually.”

 

“I know.”

 

Gilda smiled. “Are you ready?”

 

Castiel took a deep breath. “Yes.”

 

“There we go.” She led him out of the tent and to the middle of the camp, where everyone was seated. Gilda walked him up to the front, and Castiel looked at his feet carefully while stepping unto the platform erected just for the occasion. Rufus would be blessing their marriage, as Castiel couldn’t really marry himself off – and Castiel also had to resign his position in the church to actually get married to Dean. That was probably why Castiel felt so torn about this ceremony. On the one hand he was happy because he got to be with Dean forever, but on the other hand, his lifelong home was then definitely gone and only Dean would be his home after. Were something to happen to Dean, Castiel couldn’t just return to any monastery, married as he was.

 

The first part of the ceremony was performed without Dean. Castiel had to officially swear off his position in the monastery, and Dean wasn’t allowed to be there because he might influence Castiel’s answer. Rufus was quick about it. He knew how big of a deal this was to Castiel.

 

“Castiel Novak, are you fully cognisant of the fact that you are about to leave your monastery?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Are you influenced by anyone to leave the church?”

 

“I am not. This is my own choice.”

 

“Do you wish to leave the Maerthyr monastery fully and completely?”

 

“I do.”

 

“Then you are hereby cut loose from the Maerthyr monastery.”

 

Officially, a monk from the monastery would have to do this, but since none of them were invited over, and none of them wanted anything to do with Castiel, they figured that it was only a formality, really. Now that Castiel was not a monk any more, he would be free to marry Dean. Dean, who was now walking the aisle and slowly closing in on him. He looked stunning, of course, and Castiel suddenly knew what all those other people felt when they looked on the verge of fainting while they were getting married. Especially when they saw their future spouse walking towards them with a radiant smile on their faces. It was the best feeling ever.

 

Dean was staring straight at Castiel, and his smile really _was_ blinding. Castiel was thrown off a bit, but he was sure that his own face looked almost the same. Now that Dean was there, Castiel could let go of all the stress and nerves he’d felt before. Dean was there, and Dean wouldn’t leave him in front of the altar.

 

Well into their ceremony, Rufus asked if anyone objected to the marriage, and Castiel’s heart leapt into his throat when someone in the back actually stood up.

 

“Yes,” he called out. “I have objections. Those two asshats should have gotten married before!”

 

Castiel heard a weak chuckle next to him, and looked at Dean. He looked about as nervous as Castiel about this interruption, but Rufus handled it.

 

“You were supposed to write that into their guest book, not use it as an objection in the official ceremony, Benny,” Rufus scolded, and Benny said down again, still grinning.

 

“Now,” he continued. “Anyone have any _real_ objections to this marriage?”

 

No one answered, and Rufus continued the service. When they came to the part where they would be saying their vows, Castiel saw that Dean was starting to shake. Both said their _I do_ s though, and they slid the simple silver rings onto the other man’s ring finger. Castiel started to feel emotional.

 

“I pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the… groom.” Rufus stepped back, and Dean gripped Castiel’s hand even tighter. They pressed a simple kiss to the other’s lips, and decided to keep the actual filthy stuff to the wedding night. They smiled at each other and their rings, and hugged.

 

“It’s official now,” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. “You’re mine now forever, just as I’m yours.”

 

Castiel just smiled, speechless. He had a hard time not bursting out into happy tears, and Dean saw. He brushed his thumb over Castiel’s cheek. “We’ll be alright. Just the party, and then we can do whatever we want.”

 

Castiel gripped Dean’s hand, and together they took the few steps from the platform to unite them with the other people in the camp, who were all cheering loudly for the pair of them. It felt good, and Castiel finally felt at home.

 

***

 

When they left their party several hours later, Castiel was still giddy with his newfound wedded bliss. It was weird how much those vows changed him emotionally, and he was so happy that he could burst. He was glad that Dean was holding on to his hand, otherwise he might have floated away.

 

Dean looked away from Castiel for a second, but when he looked back, a blush was gracing his cheeks.

 

“We’ve been offered a tent in the middle of the forest because we just got married,” Dean said, flushing even further.

 

Castiel laughed. “For the marital night?”

 

“I think so, yes.”

 

“What are we waiting for, then?” Castiel asked, and Dean grinned.

 

“You are right. Let’s get our butts there.”

 

“Just the butts?” Castiel asked deadpan.

 

Dean now full out laughed, and pulled Castiel along. “Asshole.” Castiel started to open his mouth, but Dean put a hand over his mouth. “Don’t. I know it was terrible.”

 

They were still laughing when they got to the tent, but Castiel was starting to feel nervous. Dean and he hadn’t had sex before because Castiel was still holding on to his vows then, and even though it had been hard on the both of them, they had survived. Castiel hadn’t even seen Dean’s penis since that one time he walked in on Dean masturbating, but they had reached an understanding about the masturbation issue in the later stages of their relationship. Dean had been allowed to masturbate next to him because it was just weird to have them separate for that.

 

When they entered the tent, Dean picked up on Castiel’s nervousness, and put a calming hand on Castiel’s shoulder. He kissed Castiel softly. “Hey, it will be okay.”

 

He led Castiel to the bed and they lay down next to each other, just breathing for a few moments. Castiel let it calm him down, and curled up close to Dean. He knew that Dean was considerate, and that he knew that Castiel had never done anything like that. He needed to trust his husband.

 

Dean stroked Castiel’s hair, and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. “Do you want to, Castiel? Or should we just… not?”

 

“I don’t know,” Castiel mumbled. “I don’t know what to expect or what to do.”

 

Dean smiled gently. “We don’t have to go full out tonight. We have the rest of our lives for that, sweetheart.”

 

Castiel swallowed and nodded. “I think… we should just see.”

 

The gentle smile stayed on Dean’s lips. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it any more.”

Castiel nodded mutely as Dean silenced him with a kiss that started out chaste, but slowly turned more heated. Dean sat up in the kiss, and started to remove his jacket and waistcoat. Castiel broke the kiss to sit up as well, and they quietly removed their clothes. When they reconvened on the bed, fully naked, they just moved back in to cuddle and kiss leisurely. There was no hurry at all. They were bound together forever, and for now, the night was theirs. Throughout the kisses, Castiel slowly fully relaxed, and when Dean started deepening the kisses, he felt more ready.

The fire sparked again in his belly when Castiel felt Dean’s erection against his leg. This time, it wasn’t awkward. This time, it was welcome, and Castiel couldn’t help a soft sigh at the feeling of Dean wanting him. He felt loved, and it made him feel warm and very happy.

 

Dean moaned, and rutted against Castiel’s leg, and that was when Castiel noticed that he was getting hard, too. He felt like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, and stared at Dean. Dean, whose eyes were closed but looked blissed out. Dean, whom he loved so much that apparently his body was now on track with the whole sex thing too.

 

“Dean,” he sighed, and Dean’s eyes flew open as he felt Castiel move against him, as well.

 

“Cas,” Dean rasped. “Cas, Cas… I love you so much. Please… can I…?”

 

Castiel didn’t know what Dean meant, but he nodded anyway. He trusted his husband with his life. Dean reached for something on the floor, and then he had a bottle of something in his hand. He poured some out onto his hand, and then spread it over Castiel’s cock.

 

“Lube,” he cleared up for Castiel, who was still looking scared. “It’ll help.” He used his other hand to stroke Castiel’s shoulders and his cheeks, while also lubing up his own dick. “Relax, Castiel. This is all we are going to do tonight.”

 

Castiel swallowed. He could do this, this was Dean caring for him and helping him through it all. He just had to relax, and everything would be amazing.

 

Dean took both of their erections in his hand, and thrust them together. Castiel moaned at the feel of it, so soft, but so… There were no words for it, and Castiel felt close already.

 

“Dean…” he moaned, and Dean looked at him.

 

“You can let go, Castiel,” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. Castiel shivered, and felt his muscles clench up. He was so very… Semen spurted over his belly and Dean’s hand, and Castiel sagged against Dean. He was shaking, and Dean kept rewarding him with kisses while still jerking himself off.

 

“Cas,” Dean groaned, and then he came as well. The both of them came down slowly, and Dean smiled when he looked into Castiel’s eyes.

 

“Good?” he asked.

 

“Different from what I thought.”

 

“I wasn’t about to have actual penetrative sex with you on the first try, Castiel. That’s not how it works.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

They quickly cleaned themselves up with one of their shirts, and then cuddled up together again, now tired instead of keyed up.

 

“Goodnight, my dear husband,” Castiel said, yawning.

 

“Goodnight, my dearest Castiel,” Dean answered. He yawned just as wide, and it even cracked his jaw. “I’ll see you again in the morning.”

 

 

~ THE END

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are very welcome, this is the first time I've ever written something that goes over 20k :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to update once a week. This fic is complete, so I just need to remind myself to update it. The next update will probably be on Sunday.


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